This Day

Again, and again

2011-12-31T21:19:00.000-08:00

The New Year. And as tradition, I make a blog post, looking back at the list from last year and making a list for the next. Except I won't. Why? Because I am tired. I am abso-fucking-lutely tired from the past year. Do you know why? Because it sucked. It has been, in retrospect, one of the shittiest years of my life. It started so promising. I was actually, dare I say, happy at the start. The year was filled with promise. Thing were looking up. It actually felt that my life might have taken a turn such that every waking moment wasn't going to be filled with pain and suffering and heartache.

I should have known better.

Past precedent may not be indicative of future performance, but it sure as shit is a better bet than not. The year began to decline quickly, then just short of 5 months in it took a nosedive into an abyss of shit that my life has not climbed out of yet, and does not appear to in risk of rising above in the near future.

So here's what I'll do. I'll go over the old list.

Propose to my girl in a personal and creative fashion

Heh, the cruelest cut of all. At the time is seemed so certain we were going to get married. We were arriving at the point where it was something we both wanted. Then it all just...fell apart. Fell apart. It's like trying to pick up one too many things in your hands. One thing starts to slip, so you adjust to get it, which causes another to go, so you adjust again, then another slips, and so on and so on until everything falls from your fingers and you're left staring at your empty hands, wondering what happened. Everything seemed in control. Now you're got nothing to hold on to.

Make more blog posts that start with movie quotes

I tried. I doubt I succeeded. I haven't written much. Anything I write is bitching, no one wants to read it. I can tell by the lack of responses.

Play the new version of Dwarf Fortress

Didn't touch it. Movies were my escape this year.

Get my guitar out once a month

I touched it once.

REALLY start to work on losing weight, to perhaps look good in a tux

After I got dumped I reached a new high in weight. I've lost some, but it's still higher than it's been in the past decade or so. I've had to buy new clothes. I don't think I'm going to lose weight anytime soon. And it scares me, because I feel my lifespan shortening.

Finish the origami page-a-day calender from last year

Still sitting there, unfinished.

Succeed in doing some good science

I may have done that. Or at least started it.

REALLY submit a story for publication (am I repeating myself here?)

Did, a number of times. All rejections. Most pretty nasty rejections.

Finish the stack of books next to my bed

All but one. I don't know if I'll ever reach the point of mental stability where I'll be able to read The Road without wanting to kill myself. It's not about good or bad, the prose is heartbreakingly beautiful, but it's a depressing as fuck book and I can't handle that right now.

Take a trip with my girl

We were planning a trip to Chicago when she dumped me.

Take a chill pill

Not even close.

Take a number

I applied to 43 jobs. I think that counts.

Take a vacation before December

Does the day before and after Thanksgiving count? Cause those are the only other vacation days I took this year before December.

Take a moment

I got drunk the night I got dumped. I think that counts.

Work 8 hours without turning on my computer

Nope.

Eat a balanced breakfast

Nope.

Balance the books

Nope.

Book a flight

Actually did that.

Try to be happy

Does increasing my medication count?

Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail

Failed.

So what about a new list? I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to. I could put down pithy comments, or serious comments, or whatever, but it all boils down to one thing for me this year.

Try to make it through the year without killing myself

Perhaps it a bit melodramatic. It is, in fact. I've never been suicidal. But every time I fall into depression I feel myself trending in that direction just a little bit more, a little bit more. And my life keeps getting worse and worse and worse, and judging by my job situation it's not going to get any better. So maybe next time is the time I buy the gun. And the time after is the time I get the bullets. How many lives do I have left? Who knows. Who knows how many lives any of us have left.

Life. Sucks. So all I can try to resolve for this next year is to survive. It's all I got left.

I cannot hide what I am

2011-12-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

Don John: I cannot hide what I am: I must be sad when I have cause and smile at no man's jests, eat when I have stomach and wait for no man's leisure, sleep when I am drowsy and tend on no man's business, laugh when I am merry and claw no man in his humour.

Conrade: Yea, but you must not make the full show of this till you may do it without controlment. You have of late stood out against your brother, and he hath ta'en you newly into his grace; where it is impossible you should take true root but by the fair weather that you make yourself: it is needful that you frame the season for your own harvest.

Don John: I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace, in this, though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied but I am a plain-dealing villain. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking: in the meantime let me be that I am and seek not to alter me.

- Much Ado About Nothing

Tink, tink, tink

2011-12-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

Tink, tink, tink

Tink, tink, tink

Ssssshhht

Tink, tink, tink

Tonk...tonk...

Ssssshhht

Tink, tink, tink

Tink, tink, tink

Where I skate upon the thin edge of my sanity

2011-11-29T11:43:00.000-08:00

Do you know what the Golden Ratio is? The Golden Ratio. It's a mathematical precept where the ratio of a smaller number to a larger number is the same as the ratio of the larger number to the sum of the numbers. It manifests itself in a variety of places, such as the Fibonacci sequence (where the next number of the sequence is the sum of the previous two numbers, i.e. 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8...). It also manifests itself in architecture, such as in the construction of the Pyramids and the Parthenon. But even more so, the Golden Ratio is found in nature. For example, the graphical depiction of the Fibonacci spiral, which shows the Golden Ratio as boxes with a curve connecting the corners.

Is often correlated with the pattern of growth of Nautilaus shells.

Or the shape of the human ear.

The Golden Ratio is also found in the shape of a Pentagon/Pentagram. Here the colored segments are in Golden Ratio to each other.

And the human body maintains this aspect ratio.

People find the Golden Ratio everywhere. It constantly crops up in nature, and people use it in music, art, architecture, finance, etc.

The Golden Ratio is also a fractal.

A fractal is a mathematical equation that repeats itself on finer and finer scales. Think of it like this. You know when you look at the reflection of a mirror within a mirror you see the same thing repeated smaller and smaller? Like this:
No matter how small you get there's still a smaller version inside it? A fractal is the same thing but with mathematics. They tend to look pretty neat. And make good wallpapers.

Fractals are all over nature, where it becomes like the movie Pi. If you look, you are sure to find one. What does that mean? Who knows.

But all that is in my mind while I read this Cracked article about a guy who got beat near to death by some muggers, but as an unexpected result his brain was altered and now he essentially sees fractals. As in, when he looks at his hand, he sees the fractal shapes that make the hand. When he sees a cloud trail away, he sees the fractal spiral that makes that trail. I encourage everyone to read the story, I'm not doing the description justice. It's quite amazing.

Not only does he see fractals, he understands and has progressed the mathematics of fractals. The thing that has stuck with me from the article is that guy has found that Einsteins E=mc^2 equation is actually a fractal. And somehow this seems so very, very profound. I don't know why. I'm not a mathematician. I only know about these things on an intuitive sense. But it's something about the fact that one of the bedrock equations of physics now turns out to be a fractal. Fractals are found in nature a ton, but in physics? Now in physics.

So what does that mean? What is it about fractals? Repeating mathematical formulae, cropping up here and there and everything, in art, in nature, in physics. What does that mean for us? Are we just fractals? Are we just repeating mathematical formulae, replicating on infinite scales, through space and time? Everyone says history repeats itself, is human history a behavioral temporal fractal? If you crack the equation of the fractal, could you know the future?

I guess it's the same quantum equation people have been grappling with since fate and determination and mathematics intersected, but it's come through a lens of fractals. I don't know, I'm just rambling. A better man could make a story of this. Me, I'm just intrigued.

Enough

2011-08-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

I don't want to feel any more. I want my emotions burned out of me. I want the wick of my nerves lit, and as my nervous system flares the silhouette of my skeleton will strobe through my skin.

The hail has the cats startled, and the late night Saturday has me scared of the ghosts of Sunday afternoon as they walk along the street, and the stabs of random pain I can't seem to shake.

Sometimes I wonder what holds up the thin wall between my current self and the full goose bozo of a state institution. Clearly I'm the craziest person around, and the guilt of bringing such harmful words as these to eyes of my friends has risen past my knees. They are good people, they do not deserve such unkindness. But I have to get these words out. It's a compulsion as strong as addiction. Even so, as I type the keys I can hear the legions of internet commenters yell "cry more, emo kid" and I laugh, as if my pain makes me special. Somehow I don't think I left my 15 year old behind. You'd think I'd be able to exorcise that demon. All the words I write strike me as so much bad poetry written in the back of a mascara-stained notebook. But writing them makes me feel better. What is there to do with pain but keep on living?

Edit: and now after spending time organizing a folder of 80's pop music, I somehow feel better. Man those songs were upbeat. They may be fueled by cocaine mania, but they sure seemed happy about it.

Son of a fucking bitch

2011-08-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, at a certain level, I can accept having night terrors. It sucks, I want them to go away, but I can deal. I wake up screaming, shaking uncontrollably, then I calm down, go back to bed, and don't have to worry about that particular problem for the rest of the night.

Except lately when I've been woken up with night terrors it's taken me so long to calm back down that by the time I actually fall asleep again I get a second round of night terrors. That happened to me twice last night. That means three sets of night terrors.

That's not fucking fair, ok? That's salt in the wound. Foul: piling on. Unnecessary roughness. 15 yard penalty, first down.

Pointless waste of time

2011-08-05T15:30:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking about my life. Badumching. I've decided to go through my Netflix queue and find strange combinations, meaning two movies next to each other in the queue which seems odd or humorous. This is more to kill time than be actually interesting. Feel free to disregard.

Don't Drink the Water
Once Upon a Time in Mexico

The Fast Runner
Like Water for Chocolate
(I'm disgusting)

Dead Man
An Ideal Husband

Mrs. Henderson Presents
The Matador

The Weather Man
Lord of War
(sounds like a post-apocalyptic pulp novel)

The Majestic
Kinky Boots

Cry-Baby
Dracula 2000

Mini's First Time
Merry Christmas

Sexual Matrix
Babe
(what a twin bill that will make)

The Last Kiss
The Wedding Date
Dance With Death

Red Sun
Holy Mountain
(by Edgar Rice Burroughs)

A History of Violence
Blow Up

A Killer Within
The Dreamers
(another pulp novel)

Sex Sells
Masked and Anonymous
(Taco? Is that you?)

Sunshine
Under the Tuscan Sun

What a Way to Go
Lars and the Real Girl

Mona Lisa Smile
Paris, Je T'aime

Stir Crazy
Bukowski: Born In This

Eagle vs. Shark
The Chronicles of Riddick
(the next Riddick movie in the series will be...weird)

Gattaca
Frida
(I'll have the Gattaca Frida, with cheese)

Moon
Leave Her to Heaven
(sounds like a sappy chick flick)

Peeping Tom
Wanted
(for peeping, I'm guessing)

The Tenant
The Time Traveler
(short story, time traveler moves in next door, and he blasts his damn stereo)

And I've got Before Sunrise and Before Sunset next to each other, which makes sense, but I think I need to move After the Sunset after Before Sunset.

I think what we can take from this little exercise is that I have a very poor sense of humor.

Addendum: man, now I want to write a story called "The Weatherman, Lord of War" about a weatherman that, out of his ability to somewhat accurately predict the weather, holds sway over a Bartertown-esque post-apocalyptic settlement.

CotD: Bloodthirst edition

2011-07-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Again, apologies to Taco for stealing his format.

Coyote and I were talking and he was telling me about his movie idea where a bunch of nerds travel to California to kill Michael Bay. I wanted more directors to die. We further brainstormed. Then I came up with this idea.

fett: Easy video game tie in's. Oh man, a Doom like level where you wander around Skywalker Ranch murdering CGI villiansprites.

CoyoteExile: Want. A level where you kill everything that moves inside Platinum Dunes Studio. Robo-Bay boss fight at the end. Robo-Bay will of course be so overly complex you won't know which end is up.

fett: It'll be a fight in mid air, as he is suspended by helicopters, and when you come close everything goes into slow motion.

CoyoteExile: Random shit in the level like potted plants and water coolers will just explode for no reason.

fett: I want a level where you have to stalk and kill Francis Ford Coppola through his own vineyard armed with nothing but a compound hunting bow, a wine bottle and an mp3 player containing the One From the Heart soundtrack

CoyoteExile: Done!

CoyoteExile: A Brian de Palma level where it's just 1 20 minute cutscene with no cuts

fett: And, to be perfectly honest, a Spielberg level where you find him sitting on a golden throne sucking his own dick

CoyoteExile: Win

On the dread of night

2011-07-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write about something very personal, something I've shared with 3 people (who aren't doctors) on this Earth. I don't know why I'm suddenly going to expose something deeply personal not only to friends and casual acquaintances, but to the Internet at large. Maybe it's time. In any event, here goes.

I suffer from night terrors.

What are night terrors? Let us check Wikipedia.

A night terror, also known as a sleep terror or pavor nocturnus, is a parasomnia disorder that predominantly affects children, causing feelings of terror or dread. Night terrors should not be confused with nightmares, which are bad dreams that cause the feeling of horror or fear.

Night terrors are biologically distinct from dreams. Night terrors occur within 30 minutes to 1 hour after sleep, well before the REM cycle where dreams occur.

In my case, I can pinpoint the time when they started. It was in graduate school, though surprisingly not from graduate school. No, they are the result of the bat infestation I had in my second apartment. If any folks from graduate school are reading this, you may remember the episode at best as a crazy hijink, or at worst as a weird episode. Little did you know it had larger implications in my life. Over the course of six months, I discovered 5 bats in my apartment on separate occasions. I mean IN my apartment, not in the attic, though that's where they came from. I could hear them, like mice. We never found out where exactly they got in. The climax of the situation occurred when I woke up at 2 AM to find a bat circling the ceiling of my bedroom. It scared the shit out of me. Ever since then I have had a deep-seated phobia of bats. I can't watch one fly without having a panic attack, and even thinking about them now has my skin crawling.

Again, some people found the situation odd, some even envious because they thought it was cool. They didn't know what the situation did to me. After those incidents, I slept in my recliner in the living room with all the lights on, with the TV on, out of fear. For 6 months. After 6 months I managed to turn the lights out and turn the TV off, but still slept in the recliner. That lasted another 6 months. After that I managed to retrain myself to sleep lying horizontally on my futon in the living room. I say retrain because at the start just lying down on the couch would send me into a panic attack. That's how I slept the rest of my time in graduate school (about a year), sleeping on my futon in the living room. I never could go back to sleep in either of my bedrooms. The door to my back bedroom, where the flying incident occurred, was closed for about 2 years, I never went in that room. It effectively closed off a portion of my wardrobe that was in that closet that I couldn't get into. The night terrors started at shortly after the bats.

What else contributes to night terrors?

These night terrors can occur each night if the sufferer does not eat a proper diet, get the appropriate amount or quality of sleep (eg. Sleep apnea), is enduring stressful events in their life or if they remain untreated. In addition to night terrors, some adult night terror sufferers have many of the characteristics of depressed individuals including inhibition of aggression,[4] self-directed anger,[4] passivity,[5] anxiety, impaired memory,[6] and the ability to ignore pain.

Pretty much reads as a laundry list of my life, doesn't it.

What are night terrors like? I can only really describe what they are like to me. I go to bed. After tossing and turning anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours (I also have insomnia, as well as restless sleep and probably apnea), I manage to actually fall asleep. 30 minutes later I wake myself up screaming. And I don't mean yelling; I mean screaming at the absolute top of my lungs. I am lucky to have a well-insulated apartment because the downstairs neighbors have yet to complain. Most people that have heard of night terrors know about the screaming. What people don't get is why the screaming exists. It is because I wake in absolute...mortal...terror. And I'm not talking about the terror of a really scary movie, or the terror of narrowly missing a car crash. I wake up in the absolute highest fear that I am going to die that instant. It is the highest level of fear I have ever experienced. I wake up screaming, my heart racing, sometimes sweating, in dread that I am going to die the next second.

This happens to me every night.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, for a few years there my night terrors were under control with the use of medication. In fact, that was the original reason I started using antidepressants (first Prozac, then Lexapro). The fact that these drugs also helped fight my depression and anxiety were just happy byproducts, though they did not come without their price. Namely, the side effects killed my sex life, which was one of the (many) reasons my relationship failed. Nonetheless, the drugs worked. Instead of having night terrors every night, I would get them once every 6 months.

A few months back my fellowship ran out and my job status changed. I became an actual employee again, and I got real benefits again. Which is a good thing. Unfortunately, with the change in insurance I have to switch doctors. Which actually isn't a bad thing because I absolutely hated the pretentious fucking prick I was seeing at the health center, and now I get to see a real doctor. The unfortunate part is that to get into the good clinic in town takes time. My introductory appoint is scheduled for August 23. Because of this, I am off my medication. Not just my antidepressants, but my blood sugar medication as well. The effects of the antidepressants are gone, going through the withdrawal symptoms were fun, let me tell you. Plus, after being dumped by the woman I thought I was going to marry, the depression has come down on me like a hammer.

The night terrors have come back. Every night.

I guess I am writing this because I hate it. And I hate you. I can't tell you how many people, including my ex, would tell me they could just lie down and within 5 minutes be asleep, and then wake up in the morning feeling great. For them, going to sleep is a reward. For me, it is going to war. I can take hours to actually fall asleep, then soon afterward wake up feeling like my life is ending. After calming down I manage to fall asleep again, but wake up 2-10 times a night to go to the bathroom (a symptom of the diabetes). My ex would drink coffee before going to bed. If I drink anything within 4 hours of bed I'll be up all night pissing. Sometime around 6 in the morning, after my cat has woken me up, I'll actually be able to fall asleep and get RESTFUL sleep. This is why I sleep to 11 every day, because it is only after 6 AM that I can get restful sleep. I may sleep 9 hours a night, but only 4 or of 5 of it counts. And every morning I wake up feeling like someone has spent the night beating me with a bag of hammers.

Sleep is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be pleasurable. It's such a simple goddamn thing, like breathing or eating it's something that everyone does every fucking day. But every part of it fails for me. It'd be like someone having to work like a maniac at breathing, or beating their heart. It's for this reason I hate going to sleep each night, because it's not sleep, it's war. And you know what? It's not fair. It's not fair I have to go through this. It's not fair that I am denied a basic human function. And I'm pissed off. And that's what a blog is for. A placed to put your pissed off. So here it is, for all the Internet to see. It's here on the virtual shelf. I don't sleep, and I'm pissed off.

This just in

2011-07-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

Bruce Lee was awesome. Really...really awesome. His fighting style gave the impression of barely contained rage, and all his moves finished with a pose that indicated it required every ounce of his will to hold back his limbs, lest they fly from his body and pummel every living thing within a 10 mile radius into a fine mist. You and I need our muscles to make punches harder. He had to use his muscles to hold his punches back.

Guh-wa?

2011-06-20T15:43:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday I sent a somewhat bitter mess age to (but not necessarily at) Neil Gaimen via Twitter. I honestly didn't expect him to respond. He did.

So my post (they aren't tweets, goddamnit, I refuse to call them that) was as follows:

@neilhimself It must be easier (note: not easy) to write knowing someone somewhere will read it. Anonymity kills my drive.

His reply:

Each thing comes with it's own set of problems. Just write.

It's a fair point. I can't imagine the type of pressure he is under to consistently churn out quality material, given such a large reader base. And the advice is good for writers. The problem is: I'm not a writer. I'm not. I'm just a guy that occasionally has ideas.

Why do I feel these urges, to put down ideas in some form that resembles prose? I'll tell you why. It's the same screaming desire that causes some people have to children, or climb mountains or paint pictures. It's the desire to have some part of me remain immortal. For my name to carry on beyond myself into something tangible after my death. I'll never be athletic enough to accomplish some act of physicality that would be notable. I'm not good enough at my profession to be anything other than a footnote to science. The world of children is so unlikely as to be statistically impossible; in all likelihood I'll die alone. So I entertain these vain fantasies that somehow I'll put together a novel that will reach publication, and that some time after I am dead some person will go, "hey, have you heard of this book? It's not really well-known, but I like it."

But it's all such a damnable lie. I am not a special snowflake. I'm not, nor am I ever likely to be, a person of note. A person that makes a difference. I am just another one of the 115 billion human beings that has been born to this Earth, just another foot-soldier in the march towards entropy. Obviously I'm in good company. The vast majority of humanity joins me in simple anonymity.

So why bother? Why bother trying to write something? Even if I somehow scraped the words from under the sofa and behind the fridge and lumped them into a book, who would read it? The probability of publication is slim to none. The only eyes to see it would be those of my very close, and very tolerant, friends. So why bother? I have ideas, is there really any difference between letting them die in my head instead die in a file?

The urge to write comes, and thoughts like these kill it, and I don't know which is right? So I ask you: what's the bloody goddamn point?

Grasping at straws

2011-06-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Though things ended poorly, and much of my memories for the past two years are now cloaked in bitterness, there were good times there. Great times. Time that can change and outlook. I should endeavor to hold on to those. Life is deep pits and passing fits. It's hard enough to find bright points out there without retroactively erasing all that was once good. I will save them, incorporate them into me. They are mine. Not hers. They are mine.

Don't it drag on

2011-06-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

"Don't It Drag On"
- Christ Smither

Autumn's driving me crazy
I could cut my hair
I'm just a lazy man falling in love again
Too much time to spare
You know I got nothing to sell you
Takes me hours to say there ain't nothing to tell you
And when you don't call at all
You show me how well you know me now

Monday morning
It's all I can bear
Monday seemed seven days long last week
This one's only halfway there
Noontime crawls past Tuesday
Wednesday only gently abused me
We'll just slide on through
The rest don't get to me now

Send me no love
I know I'm cold
But the last young lady that leaned in here
Made me feel so old
I chased her all day till she lost me
Don't think I don't know what it cost me
To be a young man and suffer
Like a broken-down lover now

Yes it's crazy
I could cut my hair
I'm such a lazy man falling in love again
Too much time to spare
You know I got nothing to sell you
Takes me hours to say there ain't nothing to tell you
And when you don't call at all
You show how well you know me now

Top 5: Bronzing of the Top 5

2011-05-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Top 5 people I think should be canonized as a saint (as opposed to being canonized as something else?)

5. Celebrity chef Martin Yan

4. Fred "Mr." Rogers

3. My mother

2. Famed animator Hayao Miyazaki

1. My high school choir director, Dr. Bruce Gleason

The Numbers

2011-05-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

Facebook friends: 20
Facebook friends married: 15
Facebook friends with children: 10

Granted, some of these numbers are skewed since some Facebook friends are married to each, and share children, but still, I'm going to go wallow in self-pity for a while. Seems the thing to do on a lonely Friday night.

What the hell is wrong with me, part II

2011-05-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

Had another crazy dream last night. I was desperate to sell a China hutch out of an abandoned movie theater before I had to get to the penis-measuring contest held at a local high school. Contest to see who had the biggest penis, not a contest about measuring penises. There were hundreds of people, in teams of three. Why in teams, I have no idea. My teammates were a couple guys I knew in high school, but we were soon separated as I rushed to the bathroom; I didn't want a full bladder and the pee-pee dance to cause any shrinkage.

As the line moved briskly long, a man in a kilt and accordion was singing us penis-themed battle marches, which were jaunty and fun, especially when we all joined in. We passed green slate chalkboards with previous tallies of the best of each team that had already been measured. Lot of 8 and 10 inches (I definitely knew I was dreaming then). Then I discovered that the line emptied into a cafeteria for a free lunch before the measuring. The food was gourmet versions of normal cafeteria food. I kept spilling thing from my tray and was accosted by a surly cashier and that's the last thing I remember.

The craziest part? I have dreams like this all. the. time.

Dreams feel real while we're in them

2011-05-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.
- Inception

I read an article once that listed a few things that people talk about that other people plain don't want to hear about. How drunk you were last night, your kids, your band in high school. Also, your dreams.

I'm going to talk about my dream last night. It's my blog, tough.

I had a nested dream. It started out with one of my normal "holy fuck, what is going on?" dreams. I was trying to get to Taco's house to help him and his kid with some math problems. I had to travel through the backyard of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, who were living together. Not Mulder and Scully, but the actual actors. I was being followed and harassed by two scary hillbillies, who were very close to mugging me. I appealed to David Duchovny for aid. He verbally abused them, which did as much good as you might expect. Then Gillian Anderson got the big one in a headlock and messed him up a bit. It didn't really deter them. But then they found some dog poop from one of Gillian Anderson's dogs and decided that it'd be much more lucrative to sell it on eBay than mug me.

Eventually I get to Taco's house, which is a rustic, crumbling cabin, being squatted in by some Okies. I was just about to get started on the math problems, with Coyote hanging around as well, when I woke up.

I thought, "man, that was one weird dream" and then went on with doing some ordinary everyday tasks. Then I woke up again. Apparently, I had just dreamed that I woke up from the weird dream, and just kept on dreaming. I shook my head and went on with my day.

Then I woke up for real.

So I had a dream, within a dream, within a dream.

My head is a scary place.

Double quote time

2011-05-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Rummaging through papers on my desk today, I ran across a picture of me and my ex-girlfriend and a friends mother. It was a nice time, maybe one of the last nice times we had. I thought I had removed her from my life as much as possible. This picture jumped up on me.

I nearly lost it, right there in lab.

I was reminded of a post from Taco's blog. It started with a quote.

Running into you like this without warning
Is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, try to keep my food down.
It's quite an aftertaste that you've left
Now that you're not around.
-Crash Test Dummies, "I Think I'll Disappear Now"

I've never heard the song, but I know exactly how they feel.

Taco then gave me propers for starting blog posts with quotes.

I somehow held things together.

I tore up the picture and threw it in the trash.

Worlds in moments. Lifetimes in between jumbled papers. Memories still poisonous even after they have been shed.

You think I don't watch

2011-05-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy vs. Dracula

(on a side note, since my ex made me watch Buffy, and it directly lead to at least one "fight", it is now forever tainted and horrid in my eyes. And we never even finished it)

So, now that I am...sigh...single again, I've started back with my movie watching. Does this mean the return of the Three Movie Weekend? Probably not. I'm too lazy for that. But I would like to note a couple things.

I watched Cowboy Bebop: the Movie. I generally stay away from anime because, well, there is a LOT of horrible anime out there. So I only go for the classics. And anything Miyazaki does; that man is a fucking genius and should have a statue erected to him. But Cowboy Bebop: the Movie was pretty damn good. Decent enough story, really nice animation. Characters were....meh. But really good overall. It's piqued my interest in the series. Also, seriously fucking awesome music. Check out the opening title sequence and the closing title sequence.

I can see why people dig the Spike Spiegel character. His personality ain't great, but something about the way he's animated.

The other note: when you are feeling melancholy and lonely, watching Up can be downright devastating. Fucking Pixar and their uncanny ability to gut-punch you.

Don't read anything into this

2011-05-03T11:13:00.001-07:00

Had a thought yesterday.

Suicide takes a single moment of determination. Life with depression takes an unending series of moments of determination.

Pretty potent argument. Just a different perspective. Something to remember for future writing (writing? who does that).

Top 5: Delusion of the Top 5

2011-05-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Top 5 positive side effects of being single again

5. Increase in free cash now that I'm not buying every dinner

4. Having weekend evenings to myself

3. Being able to drink alone and indulge in my self-loathing without judgment, at least for a while

2. No guilt in ogling women, downloading porn or masturbating

1. Absolutely nothing

I am

2011-04-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

I am, that I am. Thou shalt say "I am" hath sent me unto you.
- The Ten Commandments

I am the most useless piece of shit to have ever whelped its way out of its mother's taint

I am a coiffed shitpile in an unkempt lawn

I am a cumstain on an abandoned mattress

I am the permanence of a fart in a hurricane

Top 5: Call-in of the Top 5

2011-04-21T17:20:00.001-07:00

As requested, Top 5 Tom Waits film performances (admittedly, I haven't seen them all)

5. Rumble Fish "The older you get you say, "Jesus, how much I got? I got thirty-five summers left." Think about it. Thirty-five summers. "

4. Dracula (but only for a deleted scene of him in an insane asylum)

3. Mystery Men

2. The Book of Eli

1. Down by Law

Top 5: Gravel of the Top 5

2011-04-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm making this post in lieu of stupid whiny self-pitying emo bullshit

Top 5 Tom Waits songs

5. "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" - Blue Valentine

4. "Clap Hands" - Rain Dogs

3. "Jitterbug Boy" - Small Change

2. "Please Call Me Baby" - Heart of Saturday Night

1. "Eggs and Sausage" - Nighthawks at the Diner

Honorable mentions: Blue Valentine, Little Trip to Heaven, Eyeball Kid, Mr. Siegal, Tango Till They're Sore, Gun Street Girl, Heartattack and Vine

Blasphemy

2011-02-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm just talking about blas-phe-my! Blas-phe-you!
- Eddie Izzard

My favorite musician is Chris Smither. It used to be Paul Simon, but I'm pretty certain it's changed. Not only is he one of the most amazing guitarists I've ever heard, he's an insanely ingenious lyricist. A highlight was getting to shake his hand when I went to see him live.

Chris is a folk and blues musician, really straddling the in-between places. Both genres tend to be very religious. It's one of the reasons I like blues, really, as the practitioners are religious, but sin anyways. Makes them human. But that's besides the point. Point is, religiousness. Except Chris. Somehow he manages to be relatively successful while making bunches of songs that express his religious doubts. Sometimes funny, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes downright blasphemous. For example, see below, his song Origin of Species

Why do I bring this up? I have no idea really. I was just listening to one of his songs, and I started really paying attention to the lyrics, and I suddenly realized what he was talking about. The man is brilliant. The song is Call Yourself from his latest album, Time Stands Still, which everyone should own because I say so. I'm posting the lyrics below.

I got a suspicion
That the world is on a mission
To show me just how little I can do
Good times go by fast
All the bad ones seem to last
So much longer than I'd ever want them to

The way we deal with troubles
Reveals how much we know
They often make us stronger
But they lay us pretty low
Before they do

Some say they don't worry
Help is coming in a hurry
Celestial silence sounding so divine
Coming down so holy
Trailing clouds of glory
Bands of angels hustling up behind

Santa Claus is coming
The Easter Bunny too
Tinkerbell's been running late
But that ain't nothing new
She takes her time

There's just superheroes in all sizes
Coming like the sea that rises
In a tide to wash away our tears
They never show up till we need them
Not before we're bruised and bleeding
The nick-of-time is music to their ears

Dressed in ties and tails
A sight for jaded eyes
The whiteness of the suits
Sets of the blackness of the lies
We never hear

If you give them all your money
They'll say "thanks" and call you honey
Tell you silver is the way to save your soul
If you're empty deep inside
They'll take you for a ride
And charge you double just for pointing out the holes

Slick as Simple Simon
In a coat of shiny mail
An attitude of innocence
That never ever fails
To leave you cold

Oh the next time you're in trouble
When life's feeling like a bubble
Getting bigger while your mind is getting small
Skip the flash and thunder
Dial up your own number
See if you can answer your own call

Oh the conversation's brutal
It's often pretty clear
It's brief and to the point
And if you stick it in your ear
You'll hear it all
You'll hear it all

Just to reiterate

2011-02-01T09:26:00.001-08:00

I AM SO FUCKING OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD

You can never go too far

2011-01-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

You can never go too far
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The local strip club in town is a place called Night Moves. I like to drive by it because they have a road sign that has often humorous and risque quips on it, as you would expect for a strip club road sign. Well, their current one is pushing it. And by pushing it, I mean awesome.

"One dollar nose warmers inside"

Seeing it was the type of moment you wish you had been drinking so you could do a spit-take. Well done fellas. I think you set sexual equality back a few years, but it was totally worth it.

Already?

2011-01-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

A new year. Where the fuck did the old one go? I wasn't done with it yet. I had barely even started. I was supposed to be so much farther along in my career than this. The next 8 months are so are going to be crucial for my career. If I don't succeed...I don't know what will happen. Failure and depression, probably.

How about my personal life? Well, it's actually been pretty decent. My girlfriend and I are stable. While we've had our rough times, particularly toward the beginning of the year, we've...well...I don't want to say we've ironed those out, or fixed them. But we've recognized them and are working on them and we are being very patient with each other. It's a good relationship. We are solid. We've never had an argument. We've disagreed, sure, but we've never actually argued. Will we? I think it's mathematically impossible to be with someone for an extended period of time without arguing, but at this point we realize we love each other very much, so nothing is really worth getting that upset over, and we can work things out.

Anyways, that's enough of that. I must get on with my New Year's tradition: looking over last years New Year's post. And making fun of myself.

Begin working out again

Sporadically. Would work out some, then stop for a while, which does no good. I am so fat.

Go to the doctor and get myself back on medication

Success. I am on medication. It sucks that I'm dependent on it for an emotionally even life, but so it goes.

Write SOMETHING damnit

I...um...er....does story notes count? No? Fuck.

Try to publish a work of fiction

Not even close, despite my girlfriend pushing me too. I think I need more than one person to push me.

Visit my friends in North Carolina

Nope, and since December was holy fuck expensive, I'm not sure I can any time soon. This calls for a frowny face. :(

Try to see Coyote sometime

See above

Try to see Noq sometime

See double above

Finish one standalone computer game

Finished several as a matter of fact. It was great fun working through the pile. I highly recommend it.

Complete my masterwork vision in Dwarf Fortress

Petered out halfway through. Once the new version of the game came out, accomplishments in the old version lost their luster.

Try to keep my girlfriend despite my emotional closed-offness

Success. Who'd a thunkit?

Get drunk

No. It's been...god...3 years since I've been drunk? I need to tie one on.

Get funky

Only when no one is watching.

Get off

Not as often as I'd like, which is only due to side effects of my medication.

Sleep 8 hours uninterrupted

365 chances. 365 failures. How do normal people do it every night?

Clean my apartment once a month

*snort*

Go on a double date with my friend Pam and her husband

Did a few times. Quite fun. They just had a baby. That won't be happening for a while.

Sample a new scotch

A few. Of note, at my bosses Christmas party. A 35 year old cask strength. Holy fuck was that powerful.

Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail

Failure this year. I feel very guilty. Mostly about the weight and the not visiting friends.

And now this years:

Propose to my girl in a personal and creative fashion
Make more blog posts that start with movie quotes
Play the new version of Dwarf Fortress
Get my guitar out once a month
REALLY start to work on losing weight, to perhaps look good in a tux
Finish the origami page-a-day calender from last year
Succeed in doing some good science
REALLY submit a story for publication (am I repeating myself here?)
Finish the stack of books next to my bed
Take a trip with my girl
Take a chill pill
Take a number
Take a vacation before December
Take a moment
Work 8 hours without turning on my computer
Eat a balanced breakfast
Balance the books
Book a flight
Try to be happy
Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail

Survive a New Year, friends.

A post wherein I prove Coyote wrong

2010-12-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

I finished reading the book of Lovecraft stories...and I liked it. I didn't love it, but I liked it. Even at this age, it still was pretty inventive. The storytelling was good, though the stories get to be formulaic. Take one academic type person, have them discover hints at an ancient horror, have them slowly pick up a trail of clues until they finally learn the horrible truth, then have them narrowly escape and question the point of sanity in such a universe. It's a testament to Lovecraft that he was able to make this formula work well over and over. The different styles of horror were well-conceived. A demon here, a bloody religious sect here, a dark history to a bloodline there.

The forward I read made a big deal of Lovecraft's racism. Yeah it was there, but I didn't find it as overt as the forward led me to believe.

I liked the Call of Cthulhu, The Shadow over Innsmouth (I dug the twist of the ending), Nyarlathotep and The Terrible Old Man.

Anyways, you owe me two and a half minutes of exultation of my person.

Meep, meep. Hellbus.

2010-11-29T14:44:00.001-08:00

So last night me and my girlfriend were fooling around, as couples are wont to do. I'm spending an inordinate amount of time on her boobs, cause, you know, boobs. Suddenly she shudders and collapses forward. "I just came," she says breathlessly. "That's a feat, no one has done that to me before" meaning orgasm through breastical stimulation. And all I can think is: BZZING. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

I am a horrible person.

Also, if any of you reading this meet my girlfriend, don't mention I blogged about this. She'll kill me.

A post wherein I piss off Coyote

2010-11-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

A little while ago I finally finished the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov. It took me a while. Do you know why? Because, frankly, they weren't that good. It was a struggle to get through them.

And I think I know why.

Also some time ago my girlfriend and I watched a couple Marx Brothers movies. She thought they were ok, but didn't enjoy them the way I did. The reason is because she doesn't have a comprehensive knowledge of classic cinema and therefore wasn't able to play them within the context of the larger cinematic whole. As movies themselves sometimes they aren't very funny. But when you compare them to other comedies of the time, they are fucking hysterical.

I don't have a comprehensive knowledge of sci fi literature. I don't. I haven't read all the science fiction that other people that read this blog might. This was my first Asimov experience. To others, they might be great books, with extreme historical significance to the world of sci fiction literature. To me, they were books filled with decent but underdeveloped ideas, hokey names, and utterly atrocious dialog. Oh yes, his dialog was terrible.

It seemed to me that Asimov would get an idea for something, and often the idea was pretty good, and he'd run with it for a while, then he'd get bored and just drop it. So many of his stories ended abruptly. "Well, I have spent a hundred pages developing this terrorist organization, but I'm bored so I'm just going to spend five pages telling the reader how they were caught and killed". There is a reason that Foundations Edge was the best book in the series. It was the only one where Asimov actually stayed on the same plotline for the length of the book.

My girlfriend tells me that Asimov has some really great 1-2 page short stories. I can believe it. Clearly the novel format is not his strong suit.

So yeah, thoroughly unimpressed. I realize this might make me something of a pariah around here, but it's the truth.

Now, after I'm done with the Castle book (which is meh), I think I'll hit some Cthulhu stuff. Probably be disappointed again.

This just in

2010-10-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you've got a brand new key.

The day is coming

2010-10-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I am just playacting at being an adult, and at some point people will figure it out and take my job and apartment from me until I grow up.

Man....

2010-10-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and my borogroves were all mimsy, my mome raths were outgrabing and my bandersnatch was positively frumious!

On a related note

Things that piss me off: #1435

2010-09-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

What is it with people parking backwards in angled parking lots? Especially in parking garages that have unidirectional traffic flow. What the fuck is up with these douchebags. You are just making life more difficult for yourself. Park like a normal person, fucktard.

On the pressure of peers

2010-09-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Couple of days ago I went into my googledocs to send a share invite to Taco for some ideas I had so he could tell me how lame they were. Reading in between the Taco lines, they were lame. But while I was there I sent a share invite to my girlfriend so she could read my Thomas Waits story. She's read a couple other things by me, and I'm slowly meting out my stories to her. Turns out she seems to really like it. I mentioned how I submitted it for publication a couple times and it got rejected. Now she really really wants me to submit it and more stuff. To the point that we spent most of the evening at Barnes and Noble reading short fiction magazines so I could see which ones I should submit to. She made me...MADE ME...buy some of them.

This is a conspiracy, isn't it. You fuckers put her up to this, didn't you. Why do you hate me so?

(though I did see some that take novellas, which means I could submit Pebbleman....NO, THAT WAY LIES MADNESS)

Warning: Do not read if you have a weak constitution

2010-08-20T13:12:00.001-07:00

So yesterday morning I had to come in early for a meeting. 10 minutes before the meeting I have to take a shit, so I head for the good bathroom. There are two bathrooms on the floor. One is nicer and newer, but as such it gets a lot more traffic. The other bathroom is really old, tiled like a 1950's insane asylum and hardly anyone uses it. That's why I like it, because I am a primal being and I like to do my business in private. However, the stalls in the old bathroom have 1 inch gaps on either side of the doors, so privacy is pretty much nil. Therefore, when I need to take a shit I head for the new bathroom.

When I get there, someone is in the neighboring stall. Which, again, I don't like to have an audience, and this guy is clearly taking his time. He ain't moving any time soon. But I have to get my shit done in a short amount of time, because the meeting is within minutes. So I sit down thinking "buddy, you are going to hear things cause I don't have time to wait you out." So I let the symphony warm up with a "pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffft pfft pfft". Immediately after, I hear "BRUNG BRUNG BRUNG" as the guy next door manically tears at the toilet paper. There is a sense of frenzy as he finishes up and flees the bathroom.

So how am I feeling now? Am I ashamed from having drove a person from my vicinity with a bodily function? No. No, I am exultant. I am proud. My territorial display his driven an interloper from my lands. This is my territory. I am the alpha male of this bathroom.

I finish up and stride to my meeting. All beware my primal nature.

Wild and crazy times

2010-08-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

My evening last night consisted of making a fake turkey dinner for my girlfriend (Jenny-O turkey roast, instant mashed potatoes and boxed stuffing), forcing her to watch Marx Brothers movies, and concluding the evening with an impromptu and prolonged tickle-fight. We are either the lamest or coolest people around. I prefer to believe the latter.

Eight! Years!

2010-07-13T12:49:00.001-07:00

Eight! Years!
- Crow, Dreamfall: The Longest Journey

So I finished my last game before being able to play the PS3 last night. The adventure game Dreamfall: The Longest Journey. I have a lot of negative things to say about this game, which is unfortunate and misleading since I really liked it, but let's cover a little history about the game first. You know, in case anyone reads this.

So this game, from famed Norwegian game maker Ragnar Tørnquist, is the pseudo sequel to his critically beloved The Longest Journey. The Longest Journey was released in 1999, during the last sort of hey-day of adventure games (my preferred genre). So desperate was I for an adventure game at the time of decline, that I bought a copy of that game from Amazon UK, before it was even clear that the game would get a US release. And it was good. It told the story of twin universes, one the Earth 200 years in the future, dominated by science and would eventually be known by the name Stark, and it's magical twin universe of Arcadia. The protagonist was a young woman named April Ryan who had to help preserve the balance between the two worlds. It was a simple point and click style adventure game, with some very ridiculous puzzles, beautiful bitmap backgrounds, pretty ugly character models, and a story that sucked you in.

Fast forward to 2006. He releases Dreamfall: The Longest Journey, a story centered on another young woman Zoe Castillo, but with help from April and others of the first game, with further perils and adventures in Stark and Arcadia. This is perhaps one of the last good adventure games before the genre died out completely. And it did die. It's gone. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. The adventure tab in Steam has stuff like Prince of Persia, which are action games thank you very much. The adventure genre is dead, outside of the occasional loose kin that crops up, like Heavy Rain.

I have many complaints about Dreamfall. First of all, the control scheme is utter shit. Utter shit. I had to tweak and tweak and tweak the controls to get something I could work with. No excuse for a game from 2006 to have that heavy handed control scheme. Second, stupid gameplay elements were added. Such combat mechanics and stealth mechanics. I'm sorry, those do not belong in an adventure game. They don't. I shouldn't have to try and solve a puzzle while using stealth to dodge trolls or fight off rebels. That's crap. They don't belong there. Plus, they weren't any good. The combat had three controls: block, hit lightly, hit hard. It consisted of dodging out of the way when your enemy attacked and then hitting him in the butt. And the stealth involved holding the Ctrl key to sneak and then timing your hiding behind corners. They weren't fun, they sucked and took me out of the game.

But I really liked the game. Why? I'm going to use a superlative here. And I'm not going to use it just for a point. I'm going to use it because it really is the -est of the situation I have experienced in my life. Without inflation, it is the most.

This game is the most cinematic game I have played in my life. It is as close to a bastard child between game and movie I have ever seen. Ever. EVER. I'm not just talking cutscenes, though there is that. The game is divided into 14 chapters, and the last two chapters you don't even control your character, it's just cutscenes. And it's not a bad thing, because it's all about story progression and resolution. You don't go "man I wish I could take back control of this character", you go "holy crap, what is going to happen next?"

But it goes beyond that. The game is built like a movie. If you have extended dialog with a character, the camera will cut to a different angle, just like a movie. You don't stay with one character the entire time, you play from at least 3 different character perspectives, shifting back and forth over time, so that multiple narratives are interwoven, like in a movie. There is one time where you play each character and get them to arrive at the same spot at the same time for a big climax. Hell, there is one time where you actually play both sides of a conversation between two of the characters. It's like a movie, there are multiple things going and when the story calls for following a different person, you do. Along those lines, the majority of the puzzles fall directly in line with the story. Only a couple are stupid.

And the music. The game is scored like a movie. And I'm not talking just like symphonic background music, though there is that and it's very good. I'm talking when there is a montage when a character is traveling, or when a character is sitting on a bed crying, there will be an actual song, written by an actual person, SUNG by an actual person, that sounds like something you would hear on the radio, playing over it. Just like you would find in a movie. I still wonder if they licensed some Norwegian pop tunes to use or what, cause these don't sound like songs written for a game. They sound like songs someone made that got used.

If you want a game that makes the narrative paramount, this is it.

But that takes me to my final and perhaps major grief. It's only half a game. I don't mean that like KOTOR II (I'm still bitter about it). The best analogy I have is Fellowship of the Ring. While it has its own internal story arc that comes to a resolution, the major point of it is to set up a number of larger and grander and more important story arcs. And it does just that. Then it stops, and you are left without resolution to the larger issues you have come to care about. It is very clear, the game was set up to have a sequel.

Multiple sequels as a matter of fact. I did some digging and it turns out Funcom intended to release the follow up game in episodic format, called Dreamfall Chapters. That was in 2007, it was announced. Then shortly thereafter Funcom ran in to financial troubles and they lost their CFO and the head of the company said that Dreamfall Chapters was being put on the backburner. He said indefinitely, Ragnar says temporarily, but that was about 2 years ago and there has been pretty much no news since then, other than Ragnar occasionally popping up and swearing the game is still planned. Apparently there is a story written and everything, but everyone that worked on Dreamfall, that would work on Dreamfall Chapters, is currently working on another project at the moment, for a game I have never heard of. So hope in this manner is slim. It really seems like they made this game to make another game, and the latter won't see the light of day.

But what do I know? There was 7 freaking years between the first two games, maybe Ragnar isn't the type that gives up. I hope not, there is some good writing, and some really inventive ideas at play here. Plus, Ragnar is really really good at funny side characters. From Theoretically Blind Bob, to reformed evil wizard Roper Klacks, to the sidekick from both games that I consider on par with Mort and Murray as funniest sidekicks, Crow. There were a couple times in Dreamfall that I nearly laughed my ass right off my frame, and most of the time it involved Crow.

So there were are. Last of the list is done. Time to move on to the PS3. I should play Heavy Rain, seeing as I already put a couple hours into it showing my girlfriend, but I think I'm going to Red Dead Redemption it up. I'm a little adventured out and I want to kill some things.

Time to be a bad man.

Get Webster on the phone

2010-06-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I spent over an hour looking at Way to Suck That Dick. It's sort of a "horrors of amateur pornography" blog. My reactions oscillated beyond abject terror and milk-shooting laughter. Some times at the same time. Then I decided there should be a word for that, a work meaning both terrified and amused. I propose "cringesteria". I think it should be an actual word. Let's get on that.

That's one down

2010-05-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

I finished Okami last night. It was...long. Saying that first makes it sound like it was tedious. It wasn't. It's just that...there was a lot of game there, a lot more than I thought. For example, let's compare the playtime to that of the last two games I finished (all on the Wii). I finished The Force Unleashed in under 7 hours. Yeah. I actually went online to make sure I really played all of it. I did. On a side note, while I like the job the development team did on switching the control scheme for the Wii port, the graphics were UTTER SHIT. I realize that the Wii isn't a powerhouse of graphics, but the graphics quality of the game was way below what the Wii is capable of. It was insulting. Anyways, the next game I finished was Metroid Prime 3. That took 17 hours, which is about what I expect from that style of game. I finished Okami in 43 hours. Hell, it only took me 34 hours to finish Mass Effect 2. And I did all these games to the same level of completion. Complete the main story and all available side quests, without going back for the tiny nitty gritty things. Like in Metroid Prime 3 I didn't get all of the powerups, but I missed maybe 3. The game said I covered 94% of the content. In Okami, the carrot to bring you back for gameplay is collecting Stray Beads. There's 99 of them. I probably got 45. But I did every side quest. Granted I didn't play it in the most efficient manner, but I'm also a guy that makes extensive use of walkthroughs so that surely shaved off some time.

Shut up. I play games to relax, not to be frustrated by some stupid puzzle for 20 minutes. I play until I get well and truly stuck, then I check a walkthrough to get me going again. I feel no guilt for this.

Anyways, the game was really good. The cel-shaded animation style was very refreshing, the story was different than your average game and I even teared up a little at one point at the end. The combat system is really well suited for the Wii, don't believe the bitchers. It is also violently Japanese. I mean, duh, it's based on Japanese folklore, but even above and beyond that it has a Japanese feel. If you are looking for a fun, relatively family friendly (except for one part where the annoying tiny sidekick goes on and on about a woman's breasts) and very inventive game, I'd recommend it.

Now, on to the last two areas in Portal, then back to Fallout 3. I had a hard time getting into Fallout 3 the first time, I hope the layoff hasn't been too long to just jump back in.

Detritus, page 7

2010-05-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

1. I am forcing myself to make this blog post for 2 reasons. One, I haven't made a meaningful blog post in, like, forever. Not that it matters, really. It's not like I've got a quota to fill. Any meaningful event filters through GP in one fashion or another to you guys. But still. And two, I am procrastinating at work big time. I mean big time. If I could find a plausible reason, I'd go home. Seriously, I have nothing to do and I don't really want to be here anyways.

2. The girlfriend and I are taking a trip this weekend. We're going to visit her folks in St. Louis, where we have tickets to see the Young Frankenstein musical (we're apparently theatre-going folk, having just seen Avenue Q, which was freaking hilarious). It is our first overnight trip together. We've been dating 11 months. When it comes to relationship progression, I am slower than molasses on the moon. I blame not having a relationship until I was 30.

3. I've been thinking off and on about getting another cat. My girlfriend and my mother have been nudging me in that direction, but what do they know. How would that work? My cat is the cutest cat that has ever or will ever be, how could I add a second one? My love cannot be split.

4. My girlfriend took care of someones puppy this weekend (a common occurrence since she's a vet, pretty much everyone she knows has multiple pets). I am not a dog person, I really don't like them, but this puppy was pretty darn cute and a good amount of fun. But I'm thinking puppies are like children. Better rented than owned.

5. This weekend the girlfriend and I watched some movies streamed from Netflix over the Wii. Overall I'd call it a success. Occasionally there were pauses as the download had run out, and the screen resolution was pretty crappy on my 46" TV, but other than that it went well.

6. Today actually started out pretty damn well. I fixed a problem with my computer myself, which is a major victory. One of my drives wasn't getting recognized. I went in myself and found a cable that got knocked loose when the computer repair guy was installing my new graphics card. I thought I was going to have to take my computer into the shop, but now it's all good. Then I got an awesome parking spot. Sadly the good vibes didn't extend into the work day, but hey, the day started well.

7. I made a deal with myself. I am not allowed to buy a PS3 until I finish all the games in my backlog. Which is not to say that I will buy a PS3 when they are finished, but simply I am not allowed to until said condition is met. I've got to finish Okami on the Wii, finish Portal, finish Fallout 3 and it's associated DLC and then play Syberia and Dreamfall: The Longest Journey 2. Not included in these conditions are Dragon Age expansion cause I'm not sure I'm going to buy it, and the game of Fallout 2 that I got halfway through but got stuck. I love Fallout, but I'm not sure I'll ever finish that game, I don't think all the mechanics got properly transferred to the GOG version I got. That or I just suck. Probably the latter. Why a PS3 instead of an Xbox360 you ask? Well, in actuality I imagine I'll get all of them eventually, but I've got my eye on the PS3 for a couple games. One being Heavy Rain, exclusive to that platform. I wants it. Plus there's Bayonetta.

8. I've also got my eye on recently publicized Red Dead Redemption. A cowboy game? Yes plz, that genre is poorly explored. It's made by Rockstar which has me nervous, but we'll see. Plus in multiplayer you don't join a group, you join a "posse". Awesome, yeah? Of course you'd have to play multiplayer, which I sincerely doubt I'd ever do, but still, cowboy game. Which leads me to believe there should be a cowboy MMO out there. Seriously guys, think about that. A persistent western world. I would open a saloon or a whorehouse. Or maybe I'd be a roving gambler. Or a pistol-carrying preacher. The idea is rife with possibilities.

9. I may be the only honest man left in the world. My tax preparer fucked up my state taxes. Long story short, the state of Indiana gave me $2000 more dollars than they should have. In fact, they gave me a larger refund than I paid in taxes. And no one would believe me that something was wrong. The tax preparer couldn't figure out what he did wrong (the fucking moron, not using that guy again), and it took me a while on the phone with the Indiana Department of Revenue before they even figured out there was a problem, let along fixing it. I had to go through hell and high water to give back this money. Eventually it all got straightened out (the state said they wouldn't charge me a late fee amounting to $200 cause I was so honest, yo'reu damn right you won't, I ain't paying for other peoples mistakes). Seriously, the universe was shoving this money down my throat. But I wouldn't have it. Why? Simple reason, paranoia. If I had kept the money, every day I woke up I would've wondered if this was the day that the IDR goons knocked down my door and took me away in handcuffs. Plus I'm certain with that on the record I could never get elected to public office. I mean, I can't anyways due to other activities I'm sure (remember guys, I die, you are wiping my hard drive), but why make the pile any deeper. So how much is your peace of mind worth? Apparently mine is $2000.

10. I am going to cook tonight! That's right, not another hummus and bean dip dinner for tonight, there we be actual culinary processes at work in my kitchen. It's a big day.

Am I this boring?

2010-04-21T14:14:00.001-07:00

I haven't made a blog post in over two months.

Mental note:

2010-02-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

The last lines from the chorus of Moxy Fruvous' "Earthquakes" would make a good ring tone.

"Look at these tiny things bothering me"

Need to remember that if I ever get a phone I can make ringtones for.

My case in a single point

2010-02-12T08:51:00.001-08:00

Valentine's day sucks. Most rational people know this. And as it turns out, being with someone doesn't make it any better. This actually pleases me. My girlfriend hates Valentines Day and thinks it's a stupid, made-up holiday. So I feel justified ranting here.

In the school newspaper today there is a two page compilation of "love notes" that students have written for other students. I don't know if this is a yearly tradition or whatnot, but it has that feel. Most of the notes are little sappy things, talking about how much they love the other person, perhaps sharing an inside joke. But one stood out in particular.

Dearest Jessica-

You are so sexy, especially when intoxicated. I never thought I would fall for a hot mess, but Jesus obviously had other plans for me.

Love you long time,
Seany

Ah, college love.

Top 5: Taco of the Top 5

2010-02-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Based on one of my favorite blog posts from Taco, I present:

Top 5 songs to bellow along with the chorus:

5. "Drunken Lullabies" - Flogging Molly
Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singing drunken lullabies

4. "Mrs. Robinson" - Simon and Garfunkel
And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those that pray

3. "Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash
I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down and the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire
The ring of fire

2. "Body of an American" - The Pogues
I'm a free born man of the USA!

1. "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" - Jim Croce
Well he's Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
Baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than ole King King
Meaner than a junk yard dog

This also just in

2010-02-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

I am...so....old.

This just in

2010-01-28T14:51:00.000-08:00

I just received two text messages. Both from a Georgia phone number I don't know. They read:

1) nana you at the wrong wal mart
armani

and

2) nana you at the wrong wal mart
armani
cal house phone

Somedays, little bits of awesome get thrown at you.

Top 5: Decrescendo of the Top 5

2010-01-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

Top 5 movies to see just for the ending

5. Les Diaboliques

4. Manhattan

3. Bridges of Madison County

2. Zorba the Greek

1. Being There

Honorable mentions: Memento, Hitch (yes Hitch, damnit), Return of the King (all 18 endings)

10 years

2010-01-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

10 years come and gone so fast I might as well be dreaming.
- Paul Simon, "10 Years"

Well, the New Year has once again found us. Despite my best efforts at hiding from it. And it is the end of the decade. How did this happen? How did the decade come to a close so fast? I remember where I was when the decade started, it seems only weeks ago. And now it's past. 10 years. The decade feels lost to me.

As is my wont, when the year begins anew I reflect on the previous New Years post. What my aims were, and how I approached them. So let us revisit.

Ask Marta (the cute girl in the stockroom) out for dinner. Whatever the outcome, it must be asked.

I actually did this. And I cannot believe. I marched down there, just marched down there, out of the blue, my heart pounding, I took her aside and asked her to dinner. Just...did it. She shot me down of course. But I still can't believe I did it.

Work on and submit at least two publications for my job.

Two, no. One, yes. A review, which isn't as good as a primary research paper, but it's a massive review in a major journal, so it's nothing to snub my nose at. Took me months and nearly drove me insane. I finished it, submitted it, and just before Christmas did the the rewrites, got it back in and it was accepted. Finished. Now for the other one.

Finish my zombie story and submit it to Wierd Tales

Not even close. In fact...god....I don't think I did any writing whatsoever. Truly I am a failure.

Start at least one other story

I don't think I...no wait. I think I have a couple ideas rattling around in my head. Usually based on dreams.

Have dinner at the Irish Lion at least once a month

Not once a month, but actually a fair bit. The girlfriend really likes that place. In fact, it's sort of "our place". So we go there fairly often.

Get to know Noq better

Only a little, sadly. The vast bulk of Noq's awesomeness still remains a mystery, which I only have myself to blame.

Post a lot in the Serenity RPG

Hey, I did my level best with that. I tried to revive it on a number of occasions. Any lack of posting I blame on others.

Continue to work out at least 3 times a week

That sort of went out the window what with the review. Then the mono. Then a cold. Then out of sheer laziness.

Pay off my credit card (again)

Victory! Credit cards are paid off and I have even started saving a little dough. I am fiscally responsible!

Visit a new city

Yes, but this was a setup. I knew I was going to visit Boston when I added this to my post last year.

Blog more

I think my blogging has tapered off some.

Bitch less

You know, people tend to think I'm a sourpuss. Well, I am, but I don't bitch all that often. I may be grumpy sure, but I don't complain a lot.

Sleep evenly

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Smile in the morning

What is this "morning" you speak of?

Tell everyone I love that I love them

Nope.

Ask for forgiveness instead of permission

I didn't ask for anything.

Offer a shoulder

I do that a lot with the girlfriend.

Offer a hand

Done.

Offer a Dr. Pepper

No! My Dr. Pepper!

Be the person people know me to be instead of the person I think I am

Not. Even. Close.

Be the ball

I'm pretty sure I was sometime there.

Heed the advice of Jimmy V.

I don't cry much anymore.

Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail.

There is absolutely no guilt there. Not one bit.

And now, for the new list.

Begin working out again
Go to the doctor and get myself back on medication
Write SOMETHING damnit
Try to publish a work of fiction
Visit my friends in North Carolina
Try to see Coyote sometime
Try to see Noq sometime
Finish one standalone computer game
Complete my masterwork vision in Dwarf Fortress
Try to keep my girlfriend despite my emotional closed-offness
Get drunk
Get funky
Get off
Sleep 8 hours uninterrupted
Clean my apartment once a month
Go on a double date with my friend Pam and her husband
Sample a new scotch
Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail

May the new year give you better fortune than the last. It'd be hard to give worse.

I'm going in!

2009-12-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

So my toilet clogged yesterday. On Christmas. Happy Holidays to me. And I appear to have gotten rid of my plunger when I moved to Indiana. So I had little recourse on this one. Fortunately my apartment has a second bathroom so I was not, if you pardon the phrase, up shit creek. I simply had to bide my time until today when the stores re-opened. So today I went to Lowe's and picked up some supplies. There I am at the checkout, and the checkout lady takes a look at my haul. She looks at my plunger, two bottles of foaming pipe snake (for an unrelated pipe clog) and bottle of CLR, she looks at me and she says "good luck with that".

Yeah, that kind of made my day.

Be seeing you

2009-11-12T12:51:00.000-08:00

Be seeing you
- The Prisoner

It is upon us. This Sunday AMC's remake of the classic and iconic cult television show The Prisoner premieres. I feel a surprising amount of hatred toward this show I haven't even seen. It's a combination of factors. First, it's a remake, which automatically deducts 50 points. Second, it's a remake of a show that should not be remade. The original is certainly not for everyone, but it is very much a product of it's age. The themes and context of the original will be lost on modern audiences. That's if they are even kept. Indications indicate they will not.

I read an article about the remake, which can be found here. Okay. Okay. Let's at least try to keep an open mind. Hmmm, they've got Ian Mckellan playing Number 2, that's a good sign, he's a good actor. I like the change in venue from Wales to a playland village in Nambia. The idea of the idyllic village being surrounded by desert is actually pretty cool. And they are keeping the Rovers, though I fear not in quite the same incarnation. Patrick Mcgoohan even indicated he was interested in playing Number 2 in this series shortly before his death.

But even as my hopes were building just slightly, they crashed. First, not only will they have the same Number 2 throughout the entire series, but they are giving him a wife and a "troubled teenage son". They even hint that some people will consider him the hero! The guy they got playing Number 6 refused to watch the original series "for fear of absorbing too much of McGoohan’s bravura performance." And it turns out Ian Mckellan doesn't even like the original series. He thinks it's crap. How can you have someone in a remake that doesn't even respect the source material? They are making Number 6 part of a "love triangle"? Oh come ON, that's just cheap. And as a final crushing blow, they are changing the main message from one of individualism to one embracing "community". Taken together, these facts indicate a remake that doesn't even embrace its source material, but instead stole the gimmick to support its own cheap, bankrupt "storytelling" (read: moneymaking).

AMC has been making a name for itself with original television series of late with the critical success of Mad Men. Frankly, any station that supports Christina Hendricks and her...ahem...assetts is ok in my book. But this project doesn't look like a way of modernizing a taut psychological thriller. It's look like a project stealing a conceit, hoping to draw in viewers based on name recognition of a source material it so blatantly disregards, and substituting cheap nighttime drama plotlines (troubled teenage son?) instead of pschological questions and discussions on the nature of reality, personal will and personal morality. Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm basing my assumptions on little actual input, I admit. But all the evidence so far is less than encouraging. Time will tell. But in a world where National Treasure is considered gold while films like Children of Men are overlooked, I harbor little hope for taste in general.

Top 5: Boogie of the Top 5

2009-11-02T11:35:00.001-08:00

Top 5 songs that make me dance even though I hate dancing

5. Better Not Look Down - BB King

4. Shake a Tail Feather - Ray Charles

3. Hook, Line and Sinker - Chris Smither

2. Chicago - Ramsay Midwood

1. Superstition - Stevie Wonder

I'll be damned

2009-10-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
- Bubba Hot-ep

I like graffiti. Now, I'm not talking about your standard spray paint scrawl you see covering every surface in urban areas. I find it an eyesore. I know some people call it an art form, personally I don't. However, I realize that's just my opinion and it's clearly open for debate. No, I'm talking about writing or at least actual artistic intent. I like the graffiti they found in Pompeii. I like the art of Banksy. On a condemned building in town someone did a Banksy style graffiti, a stencil of a naked woman holding her breasts. It was really quite beautiful. This town being full of college students as it is, someone later drew a mustache on her. While I appreciate the retro aspect of that addition (how Bugs Bunny), it kind of ruined it.

I like graffiti in college bathrooms. It's so hilariously political. In a bathroom down the hall there are comments about ex-President Bush written above the urinals. There's "stop the Bush Nazi's". It was probably written by either a militant left-wing undergrad or a professor. I'm guessing professor. This type of statement doesn't sit well with the redneck physical plant guys that also use the bathroom. One tried to scratch out the statement. There's another that reads "there's a terrorist behind every Bush". I thought that was rather clever. Then one of the physical plant guys added "yeah, comes right behind him in office." You have to give credit for the comeback. I don't think I could've done as well. I'm thinking about adding "wait, Obama is a terrorist? I thought he was a communist, I better go check Foxnews." Somehow I don't think that's really in the proper graffiti style. Too long.

Murdered!

2009-10-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

Murdered! And someone's responsible!
- Plan 9 From Outer Space

Yesterday during the day kind of sucked. Yesternight during the night totally rocked. Why you ask? (ok, I know you're not asking why but if yesternight is really a word). Last night my girlfriend and I went to see a showing of Plan 9 From Outer Space. But wait, it gets better.

It was actually a Fathom Event. The event was a rebroadcast of a taping of a live Rifftrax session. I know I murdered that sentence, but the point is: Rifftrax! On August 20 of this year the Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy got together in a theater in Nashville, in front of a live audience and live broadcast to theaters around the country, and riffed over a showing of Plan 9. But it was even more than that. It was a whole goddamned show. They started with riffing on a short "Flight Stewardess". Then there was a "comedy" clip from the founder of SomethingAwful. Then Jonothan Coulton came out and sang a couple numbers. Then there was another "comedy" clip (both were pretty bad), then the boys came out and sang a song with Jonothan Coulton before finally going on to the main presentation.

Let me put it this way. I haven't laughed that hard since I was wandering around the North Carolina state fair making lolgoat jokes with a couple of people that shall go unnamed. I think I hurt something laughing. It was fucking hilarious and fucking awesome. I miss MST3K. I need to get into rifftrax.

Now just remember, sunlight is made of many atoms...

Like swallows to Capistrano

2009-10-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

I've started writing on my thumb. Again.

This is not a good sign.

You're smart. I like you.

2009-09-30T14:36:00.001-07:00

You're smart. I like you. I'll probably give you a nickname.
- Slackers

I wish I had a really cool nickname. Like "Blind Owl" or "Earthquake". I have one nickname. In WoW I was given the name "Cane". It's not the name of my character or anything, and the origin is a long and boring story. It's a serviceable nickname, but it's not first class. That's the problem with nicknames, right? You can't give yourself one. I can't start walking around demanding people refer to me as "The General". Well, I couldn't without looking like a complete douche. Nicknames have to happen spontaneously. Maybe this is just an inclination that my life is too boring. That I haven't been part of anything awesome that would spontaneously lead to a badass nickname. Maybe it's a by-product of me being the type of person that could turn the lack of a nickname into an existential crisis.

I'm not normal, right? Yeah, that makes sense.

To have stared into the face of God

2009-09-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen I have been there. I have stood upon the mountaintop and screamed into the heavens. I have stood before the burning bush and prostrated myself. I have walked on the surface of the sun and seen the glory in a grain of sand. I have strolled through the minds of artists and dreamers. I have been in the utopia of every religion. I have felt the rays of a thousand smiles of mothers seeing their newborn babes. I have tasted of divine fruits. I have sipped from fountains of gold. I have had a thousand screaming orgasms at once. I have now truly LIVED.

I have partaken of chocolate-covered bacon.

And it is good.

Ladies and gentlemen of the forum...

2009-09-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work today when I saw a sign on the side of a building proclaiming it to be the residence of some schmoe, "Attorney at Law". Then it occurred to me, that's a rather ridiculous statement. If you are an attorney, aren't you already "at law"? I mean, you can't be an attorney for other things, can you? If so, I would want to be an Attorney at Internet. To be fully trained and certified to debate the internet. I would specialize in memes.

"In the landmark case of Geekpreserve vs. 'Teh Internets' it was established that the denizens of the Geekpreserve did in fact invent lolgoats before all others, and retain all rights and gratuities derived thereof."

Detritus, page 6

2009-08-28T11:44:00.001-07:00

1. I really don't have much to say, but it's been over a month since my past blog post, which was short anyways. Felt I should say something.

2. Taco, what the fuck man? Seriously, your anti-Hayek agenda is disturbing and wrong.

3. My girlfriends parents are coming in this weekend. As such, I'll get most of the weekend to myself, but I will be "meeting the parents". I am nervous as all hell. My girlfriend says there is no reason to be. But she is dating me, so clearly her judgment is impaired.

4. My health insurance is fucked up. Again. Of course, it gets fucked up right when I get sick and need to have insurance. It is slowly getting fixed, but too slowly. It has also forced me to go off my medication. Going off my anti-depressants makes me pissed off and grumpy, but that's not all that bad. However, going off my blood sugar medication makes me pissed off and very, very scared.

5. Taco, when do I get to read your new story? Also, I've sent a bunch of you fuckers links to new stories of mine over the past few months and I haven't heard a word. Are they that bad? They are, aren't they. I knew it. I need to finish my zombie story.

6. Let me preface this by saying that I am, under the best circumstances, a lazy fucker. That being said, this stupid mono has made me so utterly lethargic it's insane. My level of tiredness is noticeable over my usual laziness, which means it's pretty impressive. Today it is especially bad. I got into work at 12:45. I had to email the lab to tell them I'd be that late. I went to bed at 1 AM as per usual, woke up at 11:00, and all I wanted to do was fall back asleep. I laid in my bed for a half hour in this half-consciousness state, knowing that I could fall asleep at any second if I let myself. The real kicker? My sleep is no more restful than before. I still feel like I get 3 hours of sleep a night, even though I'm sleeping 11.

7. Taco, what the fuck man? Seriously, your anti-Goonies agenda is disturbing and wrong.

8. I won't go into any detail here, but I just want to say that I wish I could enjoy sex like a normal human being. I have never felt more like a flawed and broken human than I have as of late.

9. "I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the back of the theatre, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai." - Orson Welles

10. Taco, what the fuck man? Seriously, your anti-sex-with-fett agenda is disturbing and wrong.

So um...

2009-07-12T19:59:00.001-07:00

I'm kind of seeing someone. Just thought I should mention that.

It never rained

2009-05-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

"It never rained on the night of the Larrabee party, the Larrabees wouldn't have stood for it."
- Sabrina

I just got back from a picture-card wedding for picture-card people. On the drive back from Greencastle I passed through a town called Carp. I think it was a town. There was a blip on my GPS call Carp and I saw a metal pole with a small green sign proclaiming. For all I know, it's the home of a really famous fish. In any event, I decided that I need to write a story titled A Town Called Carp. It will be the story of a small backwoods Indiana town that houses an amateur mystical circus/freak show. It will be run by a 700 year-old Chinese man. Any weary traveller that should pass through will have their dreams turned to nightmares in the various attractions.

This may or may not be the plot to the Seven Faces of Dr. Lao.

Yeah, I really shouldn't be let out without adult supervision.

On a side note, tonight I feel very, very alone.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball

2009-05-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

Serving size: one fett

Contains: 77% fail, 12% mental disorders, 5% shame, 2% cholesterol, 2% procrastination, 1% potassium benzoate, 1% ibuprofen. Also contains trace amounts of: lulz, internet memes, scientific humor, Dr. Pepper and Red #5.

Does not contain: win, creativity, physical fitness, hope, pesticides or self esteem.

The Surgeon General recommends pregnant women, those with compromised immune systems and pretty much everyone to not use fett. Those that do should avoid prolonged exposure. If taken internally, consult a physician immediately.

Happy Birthday

2009-05-05T15:36:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Mira.

My kitty is 1 year old today. She gets cuter every day.

Detritus, page 5

2009-03-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

1. It occurred to me last night that there are probably entire generations of children out there that don't know the taste of a hamburger grilled over charcoal. That made me sad.

2. I'm rooting for Castle. And not because of the female lead that appeals to me in ways I can't even count. Ok, not JUST because of the female lead that appeals to me in ways I can't even count.

3. It turns out Christopher Walken's twitter isn't actually done by Christopher Walken but a group of...literaries may be the correct term? This lessens the awesomeness of it a little. But only a little. I like to imagine somewhere Christopher Walken is reading it and laughing. It helps if you read in the entries with Christopher Walken's voice in your head.

4. I'm playing Dwarf Fortress again. Not Gravelscarred though, I think that fortress has run its course. Which is sad, I have a fond affection for Momuz, Lor the Butcher and Kogan the Weapon. I started a new fortress but abadoned it after a short while. I was trying to get too cute with my stockpiles and work-flow, trying to think too much through it. That's not the way to play Dwarf Fortress. The way to play it is what I did on my next one, which is just let it rip. Start doing stuff without planning and make it all work. Then, once everything is working, build something incredibly stupid and pointless. In Gravelscarred with the Great Tower of Gravelscarred, made of smoothed microcline and clear glass. In my new fortress, Gemwild, it's fun with water. I'm pumping water up 20 stories or so into the mountain into a reservoir which with then split into three paths. One will be a canal district, a stream of water spiraling around a huge carved cavern into a pool at the bottom, and lining the canal will be shops (it's a tourist trap!). The second will be a giant five story sculpted fountain. The third is a series of a couple small waterfalls, the highest is a nice nook for your lovers to hang out. All three paths will join up to form a giant 7 story waterfall. There is absolutely no reason to do this. Which is why it's fun.

5. ........hhhhhhhhhhnn

6. I feel bad that I didn't send my compilation CD to everyone, but not bad enough to do anything about it. There is an explanation, but it's not worth going into at the moment.

7. My mothers boyfriend made a gift to me a copy of Watchmen. I'm reading it before I see the movie. I'm trying to balance the hype with realistic expectations. To be perfectly honest, I'm just not that into comic books.

8. I need a girlfriend. I won't say more than that. I shouldn't have said that to begin with, but it wouldn't be a Detritus if I didn't complain about it. Consider my duty done.

9. I'm teaching a class tomorrow and Friday. First year graduate students. I'm not nervous at all. I simply don't care. I should probably be taking it more serious than I am, but oh well. This will be my life (hopefully), no point in getting worked up about it. I really don't even have to prepare anything. No slides. Just stand up in front of them and ask them questions about papers I've chosen. It's the laziest way to run a class ever, and probably the most effective.

10. I love Spaced. So very much.

With apologies to Taco

2009-02-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

I'm stealing his COTD format. This is a snippet of conversation from Coyote trying to convince me to submit a story to some writers workshop, of which I was predictably evasive about agreeing to.

Fett: I have to go do some work, you have 15-20 minutes to convince me A) that I should submit something and B) that I should write something new for it.

Aaaaaaaand go

CoyoteExile: What's to convince? A workshop that is directed at the weirder end of the spectrum, unlike the others. With a roster of instructors that makes me want to camp outside the hotel even when they turn me down. I've talked to a few people that have gotten in and they rave about it like a life changing event

CoyoteExile: Even not getting in is a plus in that it motivates you to not only write but to write to impress

CoyoteExile: The guy that runs the thing and runs Borderlands Press besides has told me before that plugging away is critical. People will eventually remember your name from multiple submittals and start giving you more of their time, even if they say no

CoyoteExile: Plus, I'll tell Blue if you don't

Fett: the last one is probably the most critical point

CoyoteExile: Yep

Just cause it needs to be said

2009-02-14T15:18:00.001-08:00

Fuck Valentines Day. And all you people that have managed to find your special someone? You can get fucked too. I hope you die in the proverbial fire. That's right, you heard me. In the finest southern tradition I give you a "fuck all yall".

I am more bitter than man.

wimper

2009-02-01T09:32:00.001-08:00

GOD I'M SO FUCKING OLD

That's one

2009-01-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

That's one down, Kitty Carlisle
- Hudson Hawk

I asked CSG out to dinner. She's seeing someone. I am disappointed. And so it goes. Back to feeling shitty about myself.

Her real name's Ian

2009-01-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

Brian: Her real name's Ian
Tim: What do you mean "her real name's Ian"?
Brian: She's non-gender-specific
Tim: Oh what, you mean like a tranny?
Brian: More than that.
Tim: What, a big fat tranny?
- Spaced

I shall now recount my evening among the trannies.

Thurday afternoon I was flipping through the school newspaper to get to the crossword and sudoku (which I do every day) when I come across an article entitled "Tranny roadshow to stop in Bloomington". Well, if ever there is a heading that'll grab your attention, it's that one. So I read the article. Turns out the next night something called the Tranny Roadshow is appearing a local hipster bookstore. The article describes the roadshow as "six transgender performers bringing a range of talent including Dallas-Marie Spitzer, an acoustic folk-rock musician; Kit Yan, a slam poet; and Adelaide Windsome, a puppeteer who infuses politically charged viewpoints into her puppets." My curiousity is piqued.

The main purpose of the roadshow is to show and educate people about trannies. To demonstrate they have talents like everyone else. People of "unusual" sexual behavior or what-not are not uncommon in Bloomington, afterall it is the home of the/a Kinsey Institute. There is a sexual advice column in the paper called Kindsey Confidential. Whatever, if there is anything in this world I am not prudish about, it's sex.

I get on gmail chat and tell Coyote about this, something tells me this is right up his alley. Coyote tells me I have to go. I waver on it, Friday night is usually reserved from unwinding from the week, which involves eating takeout in my pajamas, not going out to a show. Coyote then berates and browbeats me. I carry on with a "maybe". Friday rolls around. I feel like I should go see the show, how often are you going to see something called the Tranny Roadshow. Starts at 8, I usually get off of work about 6 or 6:30. Now, one option I have is get my takeout and go home, eat it, and then go to the show. However, this is a bad idea. Thursday and Friday of last week were ungodly cold. Like minus digits cold. If I go home, I'm getting in the pajama's, and if I get in the pajama's there is no way I'm getting back out in the cold. So I turn to option two. Some coworkers of mine usually have dinner out on Friday nights. I'm invited sometimes, but usually I decline cause I'm an antisocial fuck. This night, however, I figure going out to dinner will be perfect. Keeps me out of home and by the time dinner is over it will be time for the show. My coworkers say they are going to a movie (Benjamin Button) after dinner and would I like to come. "No, I already have plans," I say. "Oh yeah, what?" they ask. "I'm going to see the Tranny Roadshow," I reply.

At this point in the precedings I was expecting a look of pure disdain/dismay/shock from them. Instead, a couple go "oh man, I'd rather go to that, I hate Brad Pitt." Well then. So not only am I going to the Tranny Roadshow, I'm conning coworkers into going to it with me. Well ok then.

We go to dinner at a brewhouse, which apparently means "place that serves pub fare and beer, but doesn't brew their own." I'm disappointed by the lack of homebrewed beer, but the burger is good. We sit around talking, me regaling them of tales I've Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters episodes. Suddenly it's 8:30 and we're late for the show. Fuck.

Some of walk down to the bookstore, it's only a few blocks away though apparently it's -140 degrees out. I saw an undergrad trip and shatter on the pavement. We get to the place and a guy outside with two studs in his bottom lip tells us that the place is packed, it's standing room only and any standing room has no view of performers. I'm shocked, who knew the Tranny Roadshow would be so popular. But screw that, I shall not be daunted. I didn't gear myself up for the Tranny Roadshow only to be denied this close. We push our way through the crowd at the door and get inside so we can thaw.

At this point I would like to remind you they are performing in a bookstore, not a venue usually designed for an audience. And it's not even a professional bookstore, it's a hipster bookstore. Which means old house with doors taken off the hinges and bookshelves propped against the walls. Kitchen converted into an office. The performance is going on in the main room/living room where there a couple dozen chairs. People are sitting in the chairs, standing behind the chairs, standing along the walls, standing in the foyer. We manage to squeeze through the people and get among the shelves in the front room and dining room. Cannot see anything. Even the doorway from the living room to the dining room is packed with people. The best I can do is stand beside these people and listen.

From here on out I am going to refer to all genders in quotation marks. I don't know what the genders were, sometimes I think I could tell, sometimes I could not. Truth is, I don't give a shit. That may seem callous of me given the purpose of the roadshow, but I feel the best response to an alternative lifestyle is one of apathy. Hey, you are different, I get that. More power to you. I don't give a shit. Live your life, I'll live mine. You're gay and want to move in next to me? Who fucking cares if you are gay, will you play music loudly at 3 AM? No? Fine, hello neighbor, now leave me alone. Apathy will save us all. But I'm getting away from the story. I might add it was a very interesting way to experience the tranny roadshow at the start, only being able to hear the person. I think so much of what we expect from trannies is visual, what they look like, that just being able to listen to them was very cool.

The first performer is a "woman" of apparently hispanic origin reading her poetry. The poetry is very angry, vaguely emo-ish. Yes no one understands you, I get it. I'm not terribly impressed, but it would take a lot to impress me. I've talked about it before, I don't get poetry. Almost all of it sounds like self-aggrandizing, overly-pretentious bullshit to me. But whatever, I listen, and occasionally there is a good turn of phrase.

The next performer comes on, introduced as the founder of the Roadshow, a fiddler from Maine. Fiddler? Awesome, bring it on, loves me some fiddle music. Person (sounds like a man) says "I'm going to do a spoken word piece for you." What? Awwwwwwww. Oh well. This person then goes on to tell a story partially involving a camping trip to Georgia with their "partner" that gets invaded by some drunken frat boys. Comedy ensues. And interesting message in the story is that masculinity seems to be tied to three things: power tools, alcohol, and penises. It's thought provoking; what exactly defines masculinity? The story is entertaining enough.

The third performer is a magician, who turns out her luggage was lost flying in from Iowa, so it'll be a short show, only the stuff she had in carry on. I'm ok with this as I can't see a damn thing, the magic show loses some appeal. About halfway through my friends decide to leave because they can't see anything. Frankly I'm impressed they lasted that long. They didn't have the same curiousity I did. But they tell me that I should come around to the foyer as I may be able to see something. The crowd there had thinned out a little and I'm taller than everyone, so I'm able to watch the rest of the roadshow from that vantage. The magician is doing really simple kids birthday party tricks. I'm serious, there was a chain of handkercheifs tied together being pulled out of a box. And you know what? It was killing! People were laughing and clapping. It's amazing how such simple tricks can still wow people. Something about magic.

The next performer comes on, the aforementioned Kit Yan, one half of the Good Asian Drivers, going to do some more spoken word. More spoken word? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaarg. Kit then performs the first piece, the majority of which can be seen here.

I'm blown away.

This "guy" is fucking awesome. "He's" funny and engaging and performs extremely well. "He then does another piece about penis standardization and government issued strap-ons, something I can get behind. As a person less than impressive in the penis area, I'm all in favor of standardization. Oh yeah, if you in any way squeamish about the word penis, the Tranny Roadshow is not for you. Anyways, Kit is awesome.

Then the last performer comes on, a "woman" strumming an out of tune guitar with a peace sticker on the body. "She" starts off saying "Ok people, what do you want to hear, come on, you've had all day to think about this." Starting off a set with this attitude is not a good approach I think. "She" sings one song, then does a spoken word piece (again with the spoken word, apparently being a Tranny Roadshow performer is carte blanche to reading your bad high school poetry) though it does start off with a great line: "I grew a beard because I couldn't grow tits." "She" then butchers a few more songs, screwing up each one at least once, usually a few times, having to pause to change keys or remember lyrics or answer "her" cell phone. I'm not at all impressed. "She" finishes up with a decent version of "Wagonwheel".

And that's it, the end of the Tranny Roadshow. I snag a free Good Asian Drivers stick from the merch table on the way out, walk through the sub-arctic temperatures to my car and go home. After all that writing, I guess it's sort of a let down of a story. You start off with promises of a Tranny Roadshow, you expect there to be something wild and crazy and out of the ordinary. Fraid not. But I went, so there we are.

He wasn't a number

2009-01-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

In a sad follow up to my previous post, it appears that Patrick McGoohan has died. Perhaps this should go in my other blog, but I want to put it here. Patrick McGoohan was the star of The Prisoner television series which is perhaps his most famous role. However, we shouldn't overlook some of the other major roles he had. He played King William the Longshanks in Braveheart, the lead in the famous British spy series Danger Man, the villian Roger Devereau in the little known but excellent Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor comedy Silver Streak, and the spy David Jones in Ice Station Zebra, a film perhaps best known for being the object of obsession of Howard Hughes after he went batshit insane. It is an excellent cold war paranoia film.

For those interested, all 17 episodes of The Prisoner can be viewed here, legally and for free.

Patrick McGoohan had style. He had his own sensibilities and stuck to them. If producers or directors or what have you wanted him to compromise, he told them to piss off. I have nothing but respect for Patrick McGoohan. The world will miss you, sir.

I didn't know my friends were so poetic

2009-01-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

I've been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine in Georgia, still toiling away in grad school. We normally trade emails every few months, but the past couple days she's been bugging me. I mentioned that I have a crush on the cute stockroom girl, and my friend is goading me into asking her out. She asked me if I had asked CSG out yet, and I reply that it took me 3 months to ask her name. I need time to work up to asking out. My friend replies, and I'm quoting here:

"C'mon man! Rip off the band-aid, pull your nuts out of your taint, and ask her to join you for lunch or something!"

Pull your nuts out of your taint. You really have to love that line. It has the perfect combination of medieval stylized properness and blunt vulgarity.

Additionally, I googled that phrase to see if she had pulled it from somewhere (she didn't) and it returned quite a few interesting results. Such as "what's the perfect way to wipe your ass?" and "shaving your balls is harder than most other body parts".

Yeah, I didn't know my afternoon was going to go there either.

Let us....let us reflect

2008-12-31T21:20:00.000-08:00

The ball has dropped, the champagne is going flat, the new year is upon and barely a few minutes old. I spent the passing over outside drinking cheap champagne (I shouldn't have gotten a brut, but like anything you buy at Kroger is going to be vintage) and smoking a cigar. I knew the new year was upon us by the yelling of drunkards and the pop of local fireworks. As the old year closes like the last page of a book, we reflect on the last sentence and the paragraphs before. The year brought me beginnings and endings. Gains and losses. It found me dabbling my hand at dating and the subsequent failure. It found me dabbling my hand at publishing and the subsequent failure. It found me far from the presence but close in the spirit of my good friends all over the country. I hope I brought them a tenth of the pleasure they brought me. It brought a new warmth into my life in the form of my kitty, whom I love and loves me. It brought the loss of relatives, whose kindness I am grateful for.

Last year at this time I posted a list of new years resolutions. Let's have a look, shall we?

Pay off my credit card debt before buying a new recliner (as mine just broke), a new computer screen, or a new computer mouse.

Mission accomplished there. I paid off my credit card, then bought a new recliner, new monitor, new mouse and new cat. Then I went to Vegas and got myself in a completely new and uncharted level of credit card debt. However, outside of the monetary loss, I am suffering that trip in no other way.

Go on at least 6 dates, one before the end of February.

I did not go out on a date before February, though I did one soon after. In total I had 4 dates with 3 women. The results of that issue have already been discussed on this blog in length.

Allow my mancrush for Mike Rowe to proceed unchecked.

Done and done.

Finish Pebbleman and actually look into publishing it.

I did finish Pebbleman, and though I can't ever like what I write, I can reach a certain level of satisfaction. I did not look into publishing that, though I attempted to publish something else which was rejected twice (I found out on Christmas day that Thomas Waits had been rejected by Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet, merry Christmas to me)

Attend TacoCon '08, attempt to remember as much of it as I can.

There was no TacoCon '08, for which I blame myself. This year, folks.

Launch my military coup of Zebulon.

The plan is in progress. Sooooooooon.

Attain my first major weight point in my weight loss arc.

Not even close. Are we surprised? No.

Become at least 15% more awesome.

I believe I lost 12.2% of my awesomeness.

Say at least one thing that makes people double over laughing.

That may have happened somewhere in the year, I am unsure.

Say at least one thing that makes people give me that look of "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Once a week at least.

Get drunk.

I....think I did that.

Embarrass myself publicly.

Many many times.

Keep my houseplant alive.

It made it to December before it died. My mother and I cooperated to kill it.

Smoke my Meerschaum more than once.

Didn't smoke it at all. I need some new pipe tobacco.

Keep my apartment clean (HAHAHAHAHAHA).

Uh....sure....

Live.

Still trucking.

Love.

Too much. Or not enough. One of the two.

Laugh.

Every day.

Dance like a fool.

A TON. Often at work. Often getting caught.

Weep like a child.

There were tears, but not weeping tears.

Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail.

That...that I'd say was a success.

So what are the resolutions for this next year? What is to come?

Ask Marta (the cute girl in the stockroom) out for dinner. Whatever the outcome, it must be asked.
Work on and submit at least two publications for my job.
Finish my zombie story and submit it to Wierd Tales
Start at least one other story
Have dinner at the Irish Lion at least once a month
Get to know Noq better
Post a lot in the Serenity RPG
Continue to work out at least 3 times a week
Pay off my credit card (again)
Visit a new city
Blog more
Bitch less
Sleep evenly
Smile in the morning
Tell everyone I love that I love them
Ask for forgiveness instead of permission
Offer a shoulder
Offer a hand
Offer a Dr. Pepper
Be the person people know me to be instead of the person I think I am
Be the ball
Heed the advice of Jimmy V.
Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail.

Happy New Year, friends. Happy New Year, my dear dear friends.

I am not a number

2008-12-01T13:57:00.000-08:00

"I am Number 2."
"Who is Number 1?"
"You are Number 6."
"I am not a number, I am a free man!"
- The Prisoner

Sweet zombie Jesus they are remaking The Prisoner. They are...remaking...The Prisoner. And there may even be a movie in the works.

Well I guess it's true.

God is dead.

Calling in favors

2008-11-19T14:21:00.001-08:00

I need all of you to send out your thoughts and prayers for my buddy Asim. He'll need them right now.

:(

I'm sorry, Asim. Better fortune.

He's done a great job on you, you know

2008-11-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

"He's done a great job on you, y'know. Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's."
- Manhattan

I don't have self esteem issues. I don't have any self esteem, so how could it be an issue?

...what? What's that look for?

Just a parting shot

2008-11-06T14:13:00.001-08:00

On one last note about politics, I give you the lyrics to Chuck Brodsky's song "He Came To Our Town", the greatest song about politics ever. It sums up the whole thing perfectly. It's only half as awesome without the music, but it'll have to do.

He Came To Our Town

He came to our town for maybe an hour
The streets they got swept and they planted some flowers
Babies he kissed and to the people he waved
And he stopped at a Civil War general's grave

He struck just the right pose, he hit just the right chord
When he spoke of the family, and then of the Lord
He addressed the concerns of the common man
And he spoke of the glory of this mighty land

He had just the right color and his smile was fixed
His wardrobe assembled from a bagful of tricks
And he had gobs of make-up that were caked on his face
Starch in his collar, every hair was in place

His wife stood beside him, his daughter did too
Behind them, a flag with the red, white, and blue
Balloons from the rafters they fell to the floor
Oh, happy days were gonna be here once more

He said all the right words, he quoted Bob Dylan songs
He sounded hip even though he quoted them wrong
His closets were cleaned and his history revised
So his record would be spotless in most people's eyes

He could sell you a war and he could revoke your rights
And still come off as your friend in the camera lights
And he'll run negative ads if he has to to win
He'll go back on his word and he will shed his old skin

I was not touched by this guy in the least
He was no savior nor was he the beast
But I have to admit that they staged a good show
It was all reminiscent of four years ago

When he came to our town for maybe an hour
The streets they got swept and they planted some flowers
Babies he kissed and to the people he waved
And he stopped at a Civil War general's grave

After an hour they whisked him away
Things went back to normal, it took two or three days
The homeless returned to living outside
And the flowers that they planted they all wilted and died

He came to our town for maybe an hour
The streets they got swept and they planted some flowers

Let's take him out back

2008-11-04T11:01:00.000-08:00

[Sydney is unaware the President is listening]
Sydney Ellen Wade: Your boss is the chief executive of fantasy land!
President Andrew Shepherd: Well, let's take him out back and beat the shit out of him!
- The American President

Well, the election is upon us. I shall try to avoid partisanship (*cough*GO OBAMA*cough*), but I hope everyone got out there and voted. I'm curious to see what the voter turnout will be. I voted this morning. I've been looking forward to it, even avoiding early voting because I want to be part of the event. I'm proudly wearing the sticker. It's amazing the power a sticker can have. I've become more and more interested in politics as I've gotten older. Part of it is the natural sense of civic duty that comes from aging. Part of it comes from the fact that my source of income is dependent on federal funding. I'm not above my wallet. Less wars, more sciences please.

A rotator in my lab is hosting an election returns party tonight (a Dip for Obama party...). I'm not going. For one, I'm not particularly fond of this person. She comes off as very girly girl, very flibbertigibbet, and I don't like that personality type. I could be wrong. This is once again me avoiding a possibility of meeting new people. Shut up, I don't want to hear it. And for two, my mother is going to call tonight to discuss the results, which I can't really do at a party. Plus it would cut into my WoW time.

So I'm going to follow my election night tradition (at least I'm making it my tradition). I'm going to watch the election results while drinking Jim Beam rye whiskey (that stuff'll put hair on your chest) until I get bored and play WoW with the election results in the background. There is only so much fun I can have with this. It just won't be the same without James, Matt and Tasha. Some of the best fun of my life hanging with them watching election results and debates.

I miss you guys. I really miss you guys.

Besides, we won't know the results for sure until tomorrow morning. And, in the end, whoever wins president, it won't really matter. And that's a good thing. Those founding fathers were really damn smart. While some of the specifics may need to change, the underlying principle behind our system of government is built to make sure that no single person can really screw up this country that much. Division of power, checks and balances. Sure the president is the single most powerful person in the country (ok, outside of Bill Gates. And Tom Brady. And Alan Greenspan. But you get my meaning) but he/she isn't all powerful. I love this country.

Oh, and Blue/Kev, just to prove I'm not completely a partisan, I didn't vote democrat down the line. I voted for the libertarian gubernatorial candidate and a couple republican local offices. A judicial seat, the coroner, couple other places.

*walks away humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic*

Sometimes you don't want all the bells and whistles

2008-10-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

The benchtop microfuge (small centrifuge) I use broke last week. Sort of. See, most of the microfuges we have in the lab are old and look as if they had been made in someones garage out of spare parts from a 54 Chevy, but they work fine. I'm not that vain. Well, the person that shares my lab bay used some of her excess fellowship money to buy a new one, an ultrafancy one, the one we both use, the one that broke. I was spinning a plasmid prep, the rotor was spinning down when an error came up on the display "Tacho - Error". A tachometer error, fine, whatever. But no amount of shutting off/on or unplugging could get it to reset. I had to use the emergency "fuck you" release to get my samples out. I screwed around with it a little, said forget it, and emailed our lab manager. The microfuge was back today and working. My lab manager sent me an email containing the email she got from the tech support. Now, I want you to bear in mind, this is a brand new, less than one month old, ultra fancy high tech piece of sophisticated lab equipment. How do we get it to reset? I quote:

"open the lid
turn power off
spin the rotor by hand in a counter-clockwise direction
while the rotor is spinning, turn the power on.
You should see the RPMs counting down in the display. If you can do so without hurting
your hand, go ahead and halt the rotor from spinning. You should now get the operating
display."

....the fuck? The way to fix a high end machine is to manually spin the rotor? Why don't they just write in the manual "if you get an error message, pound the machine firmly with your fist until it corrects itself."

But wait, there's more. How did this error happen you ask? Well the tech support guy speculates:

"A Tacho 1 error occurs when a mis-count of the rotor recognition pulses generated
under the rotor occurs. This is kind of a soft error, and I can't really account for
why it happens. Usually something like a power sag or Radio Frequency interferrence
may cause it to happen."

Um, what? Radio frequency interferrence? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Most microfuges I've worked with are so old that I'd be lucky to have any kind of LCD display. Most just have knobs on springs. This damn thing is so fancy that moving too fast past it with my cell phone in my pocket can screw it up. Honestly, that's too much. I find it too fucking hilarious. I'm fighting the urge to make the machine its own personal tinfoil hat and sending an email to the lab letting them know how the foil is there to keep out them pesky alien signals. Seriously, is this thing equipped with Bluetooth? If I start getting text messages from my microfuge at 3 in the morning telling me how lonely it is, we are going to have a "talk". With a sledgehammer.

Well, what do YOU want?

2008-10-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Cause I know what I want. I want the cute girl in the stockroom. I....want...her.

Just sayin'. Want.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

2008-10-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

Mission accomplished

Top 5: Night of the Living Top 5

2008-10-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Top 5 people I'd like to have over for a dinner party

5. Robert Osborne

4. Socrates

3. Martin Scorsese

2. Jesus

1. Roger Ebert

Honorable mentions: David Hume, Abraham Lincoln, Nikola Tesla, Martin Luther, Alfred Hitchcock, Winston Churchill, Charlie Chaplin, Eleanor Roosevelt, Maggie Gyllenhall (ok, so it'd be a big dinner party)

Top 5: Marriage of Top 5

2008-10-02T09:14:00.001-07:00

Top 5 songs that aren't played at weddings but probably should be.

5. "Coming Down" - Anders Osborne

4. "Blues On A Holiday" - Susan Tedeschi

3. "Fall Too Fast" - The Wood Brothers

2. "Baby Your Love (Is All I Need) - Eugene "Hideaway" Bridges

1. "Don't Tell Me" - Taj Mahal

Honorable mentions: "Loving in my Baby's Eyes" by Taj Mahal (Eric Bibb version also acceptable, "Please Call Me, Baby" by Tom Waits, "Little Trip To Heaven" by Tom Waits, "The Staunton Lick" by Lemon Jelly, "That's What Angels Can Do" by The Wood Brothers, "Lola" by The Kinks, "Couch Potato" by Weird Al Yankovic

Detritus, page 4

2008-09-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

1. So talking to my mother last night I was informed that my grandmother died. My paternal grandmother. Aka, my father's mother. As such, I haven't spoken with her in about...oh....15 years. Not that I had anything against her. In fact, I probably got along with her better than any of my other grandparents. But when things soured with my father I understandably lost contact with that side of the family. My father was wheelchair-ridden due to diabetes and for the past 10 years has been living with his mother with assisted-living people assisting their living. Or so I'm told. Like I said, I don't contact that side of the family. But I am sad my grandmother passed on. According to my mother, she was 93. She was, as my father once put it, a tough old bird. And she really was. Her maiden named was Drake (how awesome a name is that?) and my mother always tells me she thinks I got my genes from that particular branch of the family tree. The Drakes were large people. Tall and wide, big bones, big frames, not fat per se, just big people. I'm built like that. Underneath the fat, there is a large frame and I'm obviously pretty dang tall. As my mother described it last night, we are built like trees. I like to think that makes a more direct connection between me and the one redeemable branch of my paternal family tree (the Drakes). Rest in peace, Grandma. Life handed you a speeding bullet of shit, you took it on the chin, and never complained one day. You were a lady made of steel. Time for your rest.

2. In other death related news, Paul Newman passed away. I already covered my feelings on this in other places.

3. I shared this with Taco, but I might as well share it with the rest of you. Don't worry Taco, you're still special, baby. Anyways, people have been doing the google analytics thang, so I decided to give it a shot. Since I just set it up I don't quite have the list of search hits that other people have, but I did have 4 hits through Google search engine that I thought were pretty funny taken as a whole. The first three were fairly intelligent. 1. Do not confuse the pointing finger with the moon. Ok, the zen warning I posted before. That's pretty smart. 2. Edward Scissorhands Ethics Conversation. Hey, that sounds like someone I'd like to chat with, right on. 3. Les Barker Occasional Table. Alright, another Les Barker fan! Spread the word of Englands greatest comedic point. What's the fourth hit you ask? Adultfungirls.com. That pretty much sums me up, I think. A veneer of intelligence over a core of smuttiness. How that search came to my site, I haven't a clue. But right on.

4. I have a crush on the cute girl in the stockroom. Shut up, Blue. I still have no hope. Nothing will happen. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

5. I took my cat to the vet last week. Nothing is wrong, just time for her 3rd round of booster shots. The vet opened the door to her cat carrier and she stepped out and started sniffing around, checking things out. The vet said, "my, you're a confident little girl, aren't you." And then I realized, hey, she really is. She didn't hide in her carrier. She was presented with a new situation and a new person and she immediately started exploring. I...I'm not sure how I feel about having a cat more emotionally balanced than I am. I would've been at the back of the carrier hiding. I also am pretty certain she is smarter than I am too. Maybe if I'm lucky she'll start bringing in a paycheck and I can retire.

6. I've pretty much stopped using my elliptical runner, which means I'm only working out three days a week. But you know what? This semester the Monday and Friday classes are taught by Crazy Devil Woman. Ms. Hey Let's Do Squats And Lunges The First 25 Minutes Of Class. My quads have stopped working.

7. Coyote, if you haven't watched The Tao of Steve, you really should. I'm just going to assume you have.

8. This past weekend was AV weekend in WoW, and I got the last piece of pvp gear for my mage. I started this odyssey the last AV weekend, so that's 5 weeks. In 5 weeks I upgraded every gear slot for my mage with pvp gear except one (one of the trinket slots, I got the brewfest spell damage trinket and it's not worth grinding honor to upgrade with the pvp trinket. 30k honor for 3 more spell damage? I don't think so). I also spent a day and a half in AV with my shaman getting an upgrade for his MH weapon. I used badges to buy the OH fist weapon and then the Kara group he was running with collapses so he was left with a kickass OH weapon and a shit MH weapon. That has been remedied. So I'm done with pvping. That's it. It's over. No more. One of my guildmates was happy. He said he much preferred my Cranky self (normal mind set) over my Homicidal self (pvping mind set). Pvping really is like swinging two bags of retarded children together. And if you don't play WoW this probably doesn't make any sense. And you should be playing WoW.

9. For those of you that play Spore, the Grox are not to be fucked with. They own every system around the center of the galaxy. Getting to said center is the "goal" of the game. I tried twice to get there. Once I quarter-assed it, the other time I half-assed it. Both times ended poorly. The only way I'm getting there is using my full ass. The systematic destruction of the Grox. Which could take YEARS.

10. We have a departmental email listserv. No shock, pretty much every department everywhere has one. People occasionally abuse this listserv to their own personal gain. For example, advertising a local roller derby match (which I totally have to see) or selling some of their shit. We have a person who washes the glassware for the lab and a couple other labs. She's a middle aged woman, about 5 feet tall with bushy red hair, named Rhonda. Last week she sent an email to the listserv trying to sell a couple musical instruments. A large keyboard and a viola. Today she sent another email to the listserv. This time she's selling a suit of chain mail and a helmet. This is also the woman that walked up to one of the people in the lab one time and proclaimed, "so my ex-husband gave me herpes." Rhonda....Rhonda scares me a little.

The mass of men

2008-09-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau (a huge prat)

I was walking along the street one day when I thought about what might happen if you could hear other peoples thoughts. Then I felt sorry for the person that could hear my thoughts. They would hear only a single, continuous scream.

Also walking along the street I overheard a woman talking on her cell phone say, "and then she fell asleep in the laundry basket." I now wish I stopped her and found out the rest of the story. If it weren't for my horse....

I asked for it

2008-08-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

"I asked for it. 'To be heading into the inexorable...where no mother will care for us...no woman crosses our path...where only reality reigns...with cruelty and grandeur.' I was drunk with those words. Well, this is reality."
- Das Boot

It's time to face certain realities. It's time to come to grips with the fact that my life will not be the way I wanted it. That I will never have a wife. Someone to build a home with. Someone to come home to. Someone to balance my life and me balance hers. To lean on like two trees in the wind. It's time to realize I will never have a son, or a daughter. A child to care for. A child to watch grow and become a full person. A child to try and lend what knowledge I've garnered in my life. It's time to face the fact that the lonely house I come home to each night is all there will ever be. For as long as I live there will only be that empty quiet. That all the dreams I dreamed for myself are falsehoods and deceptions. And that only this stark reality remains.

I can has lolcat?

2008-08-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

In other news, I canceled my match.com subscription. I have officially given up.

I don't have to beget a child

2008-08-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

No, I don't have to beget a child or plant a tree but it would be rather nice coming home after a long day to feed the cat.
- Wings Over Berlin

There have been recent developments in the cat escapade, which I won't go into here. Suffice to say, I have a lovely little kitten coming to my home on Saturday. I am very excited. It is a female and I've already named her Mira. Those of you who knew about my little...ahem...obsession with KOTOR II should not find this surprising. I have pictures. I will post them sometime.

The Chicago Diaries (again)

2008-08-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Friday: I drive to Chicago. Half the time I'm listening to new music I bought. The other half of the time I'm listening to the Cubs lose. Freaking Cubs and their losing. I get to Chicago and head to my mothers place. We talk about how much the Cubs suck, then we go to dinner at Red Robin, which is one of only two places I can get a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. I nom and am happy. The stomach is not. Between the burger, the fries and an order of onion rings my mother gets, I have consumed my body weight in grease. I'm exhausted. I tell my mother I'm lame and go back to her boyfriends condo where I am staying (so I don't die from allergies to my mothers cats) and pass out.

Saturday: My one non-family day. My mother has tickets to go see Niel Diamond with her boyfriend (she loves Niel Diamond in a way I'm not sure is healthy). This works out perfectly, as this is one of the nights my old friend Asim is free. So I wake up around 11, head over to my moms place and watch the Cubs lose (again) before she heads off to the concert. I kill time reading a book my mother brought from her library for me to read. It is called the Journey of Luke Skywalker. It is an analysis of themes and motifs and other things in the original Star Wars trilogy through the view of Jungian Symbolism. As much, it's mostly full of crap, but there are a few new things it makes me think about, so I wouldn't call my time reading it wasted. However, it lost me at the end when the author makes a case for the reason people don't like the Episode I is that they don't understand the symbolism. Bullshit, the movie is plain bad.

Asim calls and we make plans to hit the theater as per our tradition. We meet and head to dinner first, as I needed to nom. Oh hey, a brew pub! Fie on your religious policies Asim, there is beer to be had! I drink the sampler, which contains like 42 different beers and my toes start to tingle while I eat a steak. Mmmmm, steak. Oh yes, I forgot, I greet one of my best friends by immediately making fun of how much hair he has lost. I am not a good person. Asim and I chat, all is well. I ask about his upcoming wedding and learn more about his wife-to-be. I am excited to meet her as it sounds like we will get along. Hell, I might get along better with her than Asim. Honestly man, how can you not like Bollywood films?

We conclude the evening by watching the new X-files movie, which with both agree could have easily been made without the X-files being involved at all. In fact, I think it might have been better. Overall, I give it a meh. Asim and I say our goodbyes with the full knowledge we will see each other again in December at his wedding, which would make it shortest time between meetings since we worked at the theater together. Seriously, I hope I have some stuff to talk about by then. Oh who am I kidding, we won't be talking, he'll be in marriage ceremony hell. But WOOOOO I get to see the full weekend festivities for his wedding. I'm excited.

Sunday: Baseball game #1. As per another tradition, my mother and I with accompanying other folks take in a Cubs game at Wrigley. Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of his head to the ballgame. The boyfriend has procured the tickets from a vendor trying to impress one of the companies he works for (the man wears many hats). Ergo, we get fucking awesome tickets. Row 14. Row fucking 14, up directly from third base, next to the home dugout. This has simultaneous effects of being awesome (great seats) and horrible (we are sitting in direct sunlight). There are all of five clouds in the sky, the sun is beating down, and I'm sweating like a motherfuck. I coat myself with suntan lotion, otherwise my Irish skin will burst into flames. Of course I miss three spots: along my sideburns, the top of my left knee and amazingly a spot on my left hand. I discover these spots later.

So I'm broiling with a nice marinade and the Cubs go down 5-0. Blech. The fourth inning arrives and so does the shade cast by the upper deck. People next to us never show, so we spread out with spacer seats between us. The shade is refreshing, and I'm starting to cool off. The Cubs heat up. "Enough of this bullshit," they say, as they pound out 9 runs on a way to a 9-6 victory. We are going nuts, life is all good.

The game ends, we take the El back to the car in Skokie, drive home. I'm tired beyond reason. I don't understand it. All I did was sit and watch a baseball game and I'm freaking exhausted. This happens every time I go to a game. I head back to the condo, shower off the sweat and lotion, and fall asleep, tired but pleased.

Monday: Visit the family day. I must making the obligitory house calls to my sisters and see them or they will never let me forget it. So we head over to one sisters and discover the other is showing up there too. Fantastic, two birds with one stone. My sisters place stinks of cat urine. This is not a surprise as they have FOUR FUCKING CATS. In addition to a dog, rabbits, and I think a sloth as well. You never know with my sister. She has an addiction.

I visit with the family and abscond before my sinuses leap out of my face. Mother and I head back to hear place to eat barbecued brisket (YUM) and watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers before heading out to watch Hellboy II. Her choice, I might add. I am pleased with the film, it is much better than the first Hellboy. We part and I go to sleep. All is well.

Tuesday: Baseball game #2, with a twist! We go to see another Cubs game. But, the thing is, the Cubs aren't at home. They are playing the Brewers in Milwaukee. Road Trip! Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of hers from work drive up to Milwaukee to see the game. Reports are that traffic getting up there is horrendous, so we leave 17 hours early. There is absolutely NO traffic and we get there with 2 hours to spare before the game. So we go to the TGIFridays there in the park and eat dinner. I begin drinking beer. Mothers boyfriend buys me an Amstel, which is nice of him, but damnit, I'm in Milwaukee! So I quickly finish that beer and get me a Leinie's Red. Traditional Wisconsin beer. I might mention I haven't each much at this point. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dinner finishes just in time to head for our seats before the game. Seats are in the 200's (first balcony) right next to the pressbox. Nice seats. The park is like half Cubs fans that came up from Chicago, and it's a city rivalry. Much fun to be had. I have a third beer. Carlos Zambrano is on fucking fire, shutting down the Brewers in an ugly fashion. Cubs offense puts up 7 runs. Cubs beat the Brewers for a second night in a row. We are ecstatic, Cubs fans are going nuts. There is general pandemonium as we leave the park at 10:30 and do the long the drive home. I'm exhausted. My mother is about to die. She had to get up at 3 AM to drive my one sister to the airport, then be up at 6 AM for her regular golfing date, then go the game. Plus she had to drive the last hour of the drive. How she didn't pass out I'll never know. I get back to my bed at 2 AM and collapse.

Wednesday: Bumming around with Mom day. I wake up ungodly late and watch Batman Begins for reasons that come later. Head over to Mom's place. We plan on screwing around downtown Naperville in the afternoon. My previous trip we did that and had a great time hitting an antique shop and used bookstore where I made huge finds in both places. The bookstore has since closed. We head downtown to find that the antique store has also closed. My mother expresses general despair and disgust at the state of downtown Naperville. In order to not waste a trip, we head to the candy store. I buy Charleston Chews and 2 pounds of jellybeans. I discover the existance of Dr. Pepper jellybeans and my life is changed forever.

We pick up a metric fuckton of food from Portillo's (yet another tradition) and eat it while we watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers for a fourth night in a row. Then we go to see The Dark Knight.

The original plan had been to see it in the IMAX, but this falls through as the IMAX is sold out. Oh well, we go so it in the regular theater. We are both blown away by how awesome it is. Beyond awesome. It's....awesomenth. Go see it.

My mother and I talk in the parking lot for a half hour about the movie before retiring to our respective beds.

Thursday: Cultural Day. My mother and I share a love for the city of Chicago. We both love our city very much and are interested in its history. She's the one that told me to read Devil in the White City. Plus, she loves that when I come home I like to do tourist-y things in downtown Chi-town. The type of things you never think to do when you live there.

We get up early (seriously, earlier than I usually get up for work) and head to downtown via the Metra. Ah the train, good fun. We get there early for our first appointment, so we walk along the riverfront a dozen blocks or so. The day is generally nice, Chicago is great. To kill time we go into the Corner Bakery, which seems to be a local chain. I have a damn good club panini. Then hit our first appointment.

The architectural boat tour. It is a ferry tour up and down the Chicago river looking and learning about the architecture of the city. My mothers idea, and I love it. The tour is 90 minutes, the first thirty of which are in the sun before a front moves through the city. We get sprinkled on slightly, but the rain stays mostly away until the last 5 minutes of the tour, at which point we were just heading back to port and we scurry below deck. I love the architecture of the city. And I further learn about how fucking brilliant Daniel Burnham is. I learned about him in the Devil in the White City as he was the chief architect behind the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago, but his influence in the city goes far beyond that. He shaped the way the entire city looks, and I bet most Chicagoans don't know that. Boat tour is much fun.

Afterwards we walk around the Tribune Tower as we learned on the tour has rocks from all over the world stuck into the masonry. Rocks from all 50 states, rocks from things like the Parthenon and the Forbidden City. Obviously, not all rocks were legally obtained, but it was the early 1900's, so whatever. After this we go for lunch.

The Billy Goat Tavern. Lower Michigan avenue (underground). Greasy spoon. This is a Chicago mecca. For those of you that may have watched old SNL, the skit with John Belushi and the "CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER" thing was based on this place. It is a Chicago fixture. I have a doublecheeseburger and a root beer in the Billy Goat Tavern and watch the Cubs beat the Brewers. For those that follow baseball, you will understand how huge the four game sweep of the Brewers was. For those that don't, trust me, it was huge. And the perfect place to watch the game was in the Billy Goat Tavern. I'm in love with this place.

We wander among the shops downtown heading in the general direction of our other major appointment. The Art Institute of Chicago. I don't know much about art. I wish I did. I figure the best way to learn is to go look at art. To the Art Institute we go! Unfortunately most of the exhibits I want to see are closed. So it goes. But we have a good time, find some things we like, generally become cultural and I express my disgust at European painters in the pre-modernist period. Such depressing paintings. However, before leaving, I hit the gift shop and pick up a nice matte'd print of one of my favorite paintings, "Nighthawks" by Edward Hopper. I need to frame that and get on my wall. Next target, a nice print of Rene Magritte's "Son of Man".

We walk back to the train station, our feet killing us, and get back home tired but happy.

Friday: A few loose ends to tidy up before leaving. Breakfast with my mother at a nice restaurant. Eggs benedict, nom. Then out to my sisters again. She is fostering a kitten. A friend of my mothers found a 2 day old kitten in her backyard (the rest of the litter was later found, not alive) and took it to my sister (aka Dr. Doolittle). They managed to keep it alive and healthy, which is something of a miracle. Moms friend is taking care of it, but my sister who helped nurture it is looking after it for a week starting that day while Friend was out of town. I've heard so much about this kitten that I need to see it. Kitten is cute as only kittens can be, and is in full kitten mode. My own kitten cannot arrive fast enough.

I say my goodbyes to mother and promise I'll call. She loads me up with food and sends me on my way. I also pickup a ton of food from my favorite Chineese restaurant before I go. Cafe Jasmine. Best. Potstickers. Ever. And then I hit Frye's for the Spaced DVD and a few other things. Then I'm off on the road to Indiana and home. I take a different route that has less traffic but adds 30 minutes to my drive. Plus ungodly tolls. Seriously, a $2 toll? Fuck you, IDOT. I listen to the Cubs game as I drive back. They lose. Stupid Cubs and their losing.

Detritus, page three

2008-07-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

1. My vacation can't get here fast enough. Seriously. Neither can mai kitten. Whom I've seriously considered naming "Lol". I am a sick, sick man.

2. I had a fairly decent Saturday actually. I slept in. And although my WoW raid got canceled I spent the afternoon watching old episodes of Farscape and playing Tiger Woods on the Wii. Then I went in to work. I spent an hour at work taking care of a couple things, it was no big deal. Then afterwards I went out to dinner. By myself. I went to my favorite restaurant, The Irish Lion. I got all the food I love. Blarny Puffballs (deep fried balls of mashed potatoes, garlic and cheese) and mutton pie with coddle. I could eat coddle every meal every day and never grow tired of it. I drank two glasses of mead. The Irish Lion has the best mead. It's got just the right sweetness, not too dry, not too sweet. In between courses/drinks I jotted down notes for the opening chapter of my Pebbleman novel. Not any actual writing per se, but at least an idea. All in all, quite the pleasant way to pass a meal.

3. I'm so alone. So very alone.

4. I want to get some writing done over my vacation. Sounds very relaxing. Just need to remember to download what I have from the googledoc as where I'm going won't have internet access. I'd like to get the zombie story finished. I could get it completed, whereas the Pebbleman novel would only get the most minor of starts. Shoot for low hanging fruit, that's what I say.

5. I've now managed to scare off four women in a row. Four women now that I've had email conversations with and they just stop responding (well, five if you count the one woman that was seeing someone but wanted to make new friends, but I don't count that one). And it pisses me off. You know, if I grow uninterested in someone, at least I have the goddamn decency to tell them, not just run away. But yeah, my love life is a disaster. I just got an email last night from a woman, but I'm pretty certain she's psychotic. I need to stop. Before I get injured.

6. So very....very alone.

7. Wardenclyffe Tower. Wardenclyffe Tower. I need to do something with that. Yeah.

8. I've been depressed for about a couple weeks. Coincidently, I've been off my medication for about a week during that time (back on it now, was problems with zee doctor). Talked with my doctor about possibly upping the prescription. I'm telling you, Brave New World is severely underrated. Better living through chemistry!

9. I've been doing research. Sometime in early October I think I will be taking a trip to Nevada. To have sex with a prostitute. A high class one. I'm a scientist, when I see a problem I find the simplest and most direct method to fix it.

10. Spaced DVD comes out today. I need to remember to pick that up. I think I'll do that in Chicago, when I make my yearly mecca to the Frye's near my moms place. I have love for The Frye's, I wish it was closer to me. Just as I wish my damn friends lived closer to me. You people need to move. Near me.

Is there a doctor in the house?

2008-07-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

Actually, now there's two. My friend James, my dear closest friend in the entire world, has successfully defended his dissertation and joins the ranks of us "doctors". Congratulations buddy, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. I'll call you soon, after you've caught up on your sleep.

So, I was in a metafictional mood tonight. I first watched Stranger Than Fiction, then I watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. I had never quite "gotten" the latter film before. But this time I went and read some comments at the imdb and I think I finally have a handle on what the film is about (goes to show all of you what an idiot I am, I had to turn to the cretins that comment on imdb for help).

The film is, or at least partly about, fate and the futility of the limitations of human intelligence. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are the subjects of fate. They are at the whims of a larger story, of which they only get small glimpses at. The fate of that story is that they are going to die. The question the film posits is: if Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were able to figure out the entire story, see the big picture, would they be able to change their fate? What the film shows is that they simply cannot fathom the full story. From playing games at questioning that never produce and answer, from having the script of their lives shown to the them by the tragedians, from having the pages of their fate LITERALLY float by them and they unable to read or comprehend what is written there, they simply cannot understand the big picture. By extrapolation, humans are limited in that we cannot comprehend the larger aspects of the universe, and in particular death. The film is very obsessed with death, I think because that is the be all end all of human existence. Literally. Perhaps if we understood the universe, we could understand death (death being fate), but we can't so we don't. We can only stumble along, getting small glimpses at the overall design and accidentally create beautiful things (ala the steam engine, the airplane, the theory of gravity as shown in the film) just to casually discard them.

The thing I can't quite figure out is the purpose of the tragedians. What purpose do they serve? Do the serve the same purpose in the original Hamlet, as a mirror to reality, a mechanism to show us that which is around us that we ignore? In part perhaps, but one gets the feeling that they are more. They are sort of omniscient, hinting at knowing the things we don't know, for example the whole "love, blood and rhetoric" speech, or always having people die in the plays they perform. There is also the famous line by the player: "the audience knows what to expect, and that is all they are prepared to believe". That speaks something close to the limits of human knowledge. But I don't think I see the entire purpose of the tragedians. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Oh, and if you haven't seen the movie, go see the movie. Also, looking up the movie on imdb I found this. I don't....I don't know what to think.

I am the King of Rejection-land

2008-07-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

No this is not about my love life. I mean, it could be, nothing's changed there, but it isn't. No, this is about a different and completely new form of rejection for me.

I finally heard back from the Weird Tales people (only took 6 weeks when they said it would be 2-4, but waddayagonnado). They rejected my story. Short, curt note saying it wasn't what they were looking for but to keep them in mind for future submissions. They also said not to submit anything new for 2 weeks as they are backlogged, so that explains that. Of course I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Par for the course, eh? Chances of getting my very first submitted story published? Yeah right. Well, it was nice to dream.

I think I'll make that sort of a life goal. To get one of my stories published before I die. That'd be nice. I wonder if Weird Tales would like my zombie story.....

I have been the victim of a drive-by punning

2008-06-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

First I need to refer you to point 6 of this previous post. The "paradigm shifting" has become an inside joke in the lab. It's officially my job now, I am lab paradigm-shifter. So in order to propagate the joke, I made a sign and hung it above my desk. It's just a printout that has "CAUTION" in an octagon, and underneath it says, "PARADIGMS SHIFTING, watch your step". Well, this morning I came in to find someone had added to my sign. Someone, and I don't know exactly who, made a photocopy of two coins, two dimes to be exact, and taped it to my sign. Yes, they added a "pair of dimes."

I don't know what's worse, the pun, or the fact that it took me like an hour to get it.

Also, Larry, you should've told me you were visiting Indiana.

In other news, I am getting a kitten. Eventually. Sometime in September. I'm getting a purebred Siberian. In a sense, I feel a little guilty about it. What with the pet overpopulation problem in this country, it'd probably be more...ethical? eco-conscious? to go down to the animal shelter and pick up a kitten there for $75 instead of spending over $1000 on a purebred. But you know what, that kitten was going to be born anyways. Plus, I have my reasons for getting this specific breed. For one, I want a cat that's more on the cuddly-side, one that likes being picked up and held. Certain breeds do better with that than others, and the Siberian is one of those. Of course, individual results may vary, these are cats after all. But with a stray it's just a crapshoot. The second reason, and while not most important it may end up being just as critical, is that Siberians are considered hypoallergenic. They produce a lot less of the cat allergen protein FelD1 than pretty much any other breed. People that have asthmatic allergies to cats can own a Siberian with no problems. I am allergic to cats. This wasn't going to deter me, I had just planned on buying cases of Claritan, but if I can get away without it, then hey, so much the better. In addition, the purebred lines have been checked and cleared of genetic disorders, which means hopefully less problems down the road. Plus they are so friggen CUTE. The kittens are just adorable little fluffballs, and the cats look just how a cat should look.

Out of curiousity, I looked into the supposed "real hypoallergenic cat". These things start at $10,000 and go upwards of $30,000. The company is noticeably vague when it comes to describing exactly what they did, but with my scientist instincts I was able to get a general idea of what they did, and it's total crap. All they did was genetic screening and a deliberate breeding program, which is crap. If I had the money to breed cats, I could do it myself. The end result is not any better than the Siberian breed, really. It's not like they actually made a transgenic cat, deleting out the felD1 gene. That might warrant the price, not what they actually did. Sometimes it's good to be a scientist.

Anyways, this morningI made a deposit this morning for a kitten with this very nice couple in New Jersey. They are from Russia, though the fact they breed Siberian cats may be just a coincidence. They are also scientists; developmental biology and biochemistry. So they are actually 'colleagues' of mine, which is just super cool. They understand the lifestyle of the scientist, and it's just awesome to deal with a kindred spirit. The queen gave birth to her litter just last night to six kittens. I'm third on the reservation list (of 5 people now, Siberians are very rare, only coming to this country in 1990, and are incredibly in-demand), so I'll get my pick from 4 kittens. They are ready to go to their new homes at 10-12 weeks, so sometime in September my little sweetheart will be coming to me. I am so excited I can't even describe it. I just have to get all the equipment and get the place ready now.

I almost got a Somali, 'cause damn, how can you not love a cat that looks like a little fox. It's the tail, it's all in the tail. If I ever get a second cat, it'll be one of those.

Don't say that!

2008-06-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
- Shaun of the Dead

You bastards have corrupted me once again. I'm working on an idea for a zombie story. I hate you all, I really do. Can't you leave my mind alone? I don't even really LIKE zombies. But no, after watching a couple movies and talking with Coyote, I've got an idea and am starting to flesh it out. Perhaps rotting flesh it out. I hate you Larry.

James is a big fucker and should call me.

2008-06-04T08:02:00.001-07:00

James, you are a big fucker. And you should call me.

In other news, I am now out of debt. I finally got my "extra paycheck" this month. It's not really extra. Under my old source of income I was getting paid on the last day of the month, but now that I moved to my fellowship I'm getting paid on the first of the month, so this month I got two paychecks. In three years when I go off the fellowship there will be a two month period where I don't get paid, so I better have some money saved up by that point. I had a significant portion of my credit card debt paid off by now, but with the huge surge of money, everything is paid off in full. Plus I got my "economic stimulus oh fuck the economy is tanking" check yesterday, and I had a couple messed up charges on a credit card reversed, so I am positively rolling in dough at the moment (that is, until I have to pay off my quarterly estimated taxes).

So now that I am out of debt, what do I do? GO BACK INTO DEBT, OF COURSE. Not really, but sort of. I have been putting off buying a couple of things until I got my credit cards paid off, time to take care of that. Plus, I've been feeling pretty shitty about myself lately (I won't go into that). Time to go to Best Buy, which I did last night. I've needed a new monitor for my computer for about 3 years. This is the second monitor I've had that didn't crap out but went inordinately dim, so much so that I have to crank up the brightness on everything just to see what the hell is going on. Granted, the monitor is 10 years old at this point, so it really doesn't owe anybody anything. So I bought a new monitor, a 22" widescreen LCD from LG. Probably spent too much, but I DON'T FUCKING CARE. It's a nice monitor, I am pleased. I also bought the Complete Lego Star Wars for the Wii, which may just be the best thing ever. I contemplated buying Legend of Zelda, but I decided to wait. I almost bought Guitar Hero III, but I want to try it out on someone elses machine before I decide to buy it. I also bought some blank DVD's FOR COMPLETELY LEGAL PURPOSES I assure you. All in all, pretty good trip.

Next item to buy, a new recliner. For the past 6 months the only functional chair in my apartment has been my office chair, which will probably need to be replaced sometime soon since it's gotten overworked. I'm going to buy a nice recliner. Possibly leather.

Even with all these expenditures, I'll still be playing with mostly house money. So, for once, my money situation is pretty good. Now if I could get the rest of my life figured out....

What do you want?

2008-05-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ezekiel Stone: What do you want?
The Devil: Your every waking moment consumed with holding up your end of our bargain.
- Brimstone (another awesome show prematurely canceled by Fox)

Alright, I held up my end. Today I submitted "Thomas Waits for Gai Man" for publication in Weird Tales. That means your ass is on the line, Coyote. If you don't submit for the workshop, you will forever be my subordinate, or, more appropriately, my "bitch".

Also, you fuckers need to post more comments on my other blog. I REQUIRE GRATIFICATION BY MY PEERS DAMNIT.

(I've been so bitter lately, and I have no idea why)

Eh, fuck it

2008-05-19T19:31:00.001-07:00

I give up. Now let us never speak of this ever again. Ever.

Third time, perhaps it will be the charm

2008-05-14T12:51:00.001-07:00

I got another date tomorrow night. This will be the third person I've gone out with from this internet dating "bidness". We'll see how it goes. We're just going out to see Iron Man.

This is the geek girl. I'm not exactly sure of her geek credentials, but they seem about as legit as mine. She likes Star Trek and Star Wars, collects figures of Captain Kirk, reads David Eddings and Neil Gaiman. Plus, as a benefit, she knows about old movies. She was able to, without provocation, mention the little known Cary Grant/Irene Dunne movie My Favorite Wife, which I love. I was impressed.

So this one has some potential. I say that because I think this woman is a little smitten with me. We've talked on the phone twice now. For 3 hours each time. She seems into me. Me, I'm being more reserved. Once bitten, twice shy, all that. We'll see. I'm playing it slow. I hope she's as pretty as her picture.

There is one thing that...well...it doesn't bother me, but I find it really odd. She never went to college. Got out of high school, got a job. She doesn't seem to be a loser. She's worked at the same place for 9 years, gotten promotions and what not. Just never went to college. It's not a bad thing. It's just...I never EVER would've guessed I'd become involved with someone that didn't go to college. I mean, those are the circles I travel in. I work at colleges, in college towns. I had automatically assumed that anyone I ended up with would have at least some connection to some university some where. I just find it odd. The only real problem it presents is a slight lack of common ground. She won't know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about my college or grad school days. Not worried about it, just thought I'd mention it.

My perversion knows no bounds

2008-05-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

So there I was in my Core class, working out, this afternoon. We were on all fours, doing hamstring exercises. I think you can see where I am going with this. We're in between exercises, and I look up. What do I see? I see the letters PUR-DUE staring back at me, plastered across the ass of the woman next to me. The finely toned ass of the woman next to me. See, we have a new instructor, a guy who I think hasn't taught before, so the previous instructor, a grad student named Natalie, has been around the past couple classes just to make sure he was doing ok. I would like to point out, again, that this was a 20-something year old aerobics instructor. On all fours. In front of me. With her ass in the air. Her incredibly toned and shapely ass.

Needless to say, my thoughts turned naughty.

And then she lifted her leg in the air for the hamstring exercise and on my god is that her underwear yes that's her underwear and it's a bikini-style bottom.

*cough*

I had a good afternoon.

I went up to her afterwards and said, "I have to ask, did you go to Purdue?"
She said, "yeah, why, oh did you read on my-"
"I ALSO SAW YOU HAD A HARRY'S (a bar at Purdue) SHIRT AT ONE TIME." (aka, I wasn't staring at your ass, I swear. That delicious red apple ass of...I need a shower)
"Yeah I did."
"I did my undergrad at Purdue."
"Oh, how nice."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

In other words, my afternoon was both hilarious and uplifting!

On an unrelated note, I need to give a shoutout to my friend Asim who may or may not begin reading this blog. Asim is my oldest friend (in time known, not total age). Asim just got engaged. Congrats buddy, I knew it was just a matter of time. But you're not getting out of our trip to get Russian brides that easily.

One step forward, two steps back

2008-04-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend I went out on a second date with the woman from last weekend. It was nice, we went to a local winery, tasted some, then went to lunch. At the end of the date she asked for a kiss, I kissed her VERY POORLY, but so it goes. Then this weekend she sends me an email telling me she's not looking for anything serious and I have to realize that. Well, I am looking for something serious, so that's off. Can't say I'm surprised, but I'm still sad. That was the best yet, and I'm becoming dissatisfied with the internet dating, but I have no clue how to go about dating without it. Part of me just wants to give up, part of me wants to keep trying.

So, blech. Just........blech.

This Day

Again, and again

I cannot hide what I am

Tink, tink, tink

Where I skate upon the thin edge of my sanity

Enough

Son of a fucking bitch

Pointless waste of time

CotD: Bloodthirst edition

On the dread of night

This just in

Guh-wa?

Grasping at straws

Don't it drag on

Top 5: Bronzing of the Top 5

The Numbers

What the hell is wrong with me, part II

Dreams feel real while we're in them

Double quote time

You think I don't watch

Don't read anything into this

Top 5: Delusion of the Top 5

I am

Top 5: Call-in of the Top 5

Top 5: Gravel of the Top 5

Blasphemy

Just to reiterate

You can never go too far

Already?

A post wherein I prove Coyote wrong

Meep, meep. Hellbus.

A post wherein I piss off Coyote

This just in

The day is coming

Man....

Things that piss me off: #1435

On the pressure of peers

Warning: Do not read if you have a weak constitution

Wild and crazy times

Eight! Years!

Get Webster on the phone

That's one down

Detritus, page 7

Am I this boring?

Mental note:

My case in a single point

Top 5: Taco of the Top 5

This also just in

This just in

Top 5: Decrescendo of the Top 5

10 years

I'm going in!

Be seeing you

Top 5: Boogie of the Top 5

I'll be damned

Murdered!

Like swallows to Capistrano

You're smart. I like you.

To have stared into the face of God

Ladies and gentlemen of the forum...

Detritus, page 6

So um...

It never rained

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball

Happy Birthday

Detritus, page 5

With apologies to Taco

Just cause it needs to be said

*wimper*

That's one

Her real name's Ian

He wasn't a number

I didn't know my friends were so poetic

Let us....let us reflect

I am not a number

Calling in favors

He's done a great job on you, you know

Just a parting shot

Let's take him out back

Sometimes you don't want all the bells and whistles

wimper