I am

I am, that I am. Thou shalt say "I am" hath sent me unto you.
- The Ten Commandments

I am the most useless piece of shit to have ever whelped its way out of its mother's taint

I am a coiffed shitpile in an unkempt lawn

I am a cumstain on an abandoned mattress

I am the permanence of a fart in a hurricane

Top 5: Call-in of the Top 5

As requested, Top 5 Tom Waits film performances (admittedly, I haven't seen them all)

5. Rumble Fish "The older you get you say, "Jesus, how much I got? I got thirty-five summers left." Think about it. Thirty-five summers. "

4. Dracula (but only for a deleted scene of him in an insane asylum)

3. Mystery Men

2. The Book of Eli

1. Down by Law

Top 5: Gravel of the Top 5

I'm making this post in lieu of stupid whiny self-pitying emo bullshit

Top 5 Tom Waits songs

5. "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" - Blue Valentine

4. "Clap Hands" - Rain Dogs

3. "Jitterbug Boy" - Small Change

2. "Please Call Me Baby" - Heart of Saturday Night

1. "Eggs and Sausage" - Nighthawks at the Diner

Honorable mentions: Blue Valentine, Little Trip to Heaven, Eyeball Kid, Mr. Siegal, Tango Till They're Sore, Gun Street Girl, Heartattack and Vine