"Don't let the bastards get ya down."
- Payback
Today Dawn called me a pukka. Met up as we walked to class and called me a pukka. It's better than it sounds. Pukka is one of the Jack Payne Memorial Words of the Week. I miss Jack, he was a good man. Such men should not be lost. We should have the power to say, "that guy there, he's a good guy. We want him to stay around. Him over there, not so good. Take him; leave Jack." But anyways, pukka means "genuine" or "the real deal." So she called me a pukka. I tried to say something witty, like "I should hope so, I hate to think there was another one of me around." Nonsense.
But as I think about it now, I realize I am not a pukka. I am not real. It reminds of something I wrote Emily in the explanatory email. I told her that I was not a man. That I'm not even human. I am the antithesis of a human. I am the empty space where a person should be. A photonegative. I am defined by my lack. Outlined as a shape by what I am not. This is truth.
Ultimately that thought helped. It defined for me the scope of my villian in my novel. This was a character that defied description for some time. I still don't have a story, but I have the villian now, and he is me. Or at least the me that is not a me. He is this emptiness that dwells within. And remarkably it reminds me of another story that I tried to write. This story took shape in my mind one evening about a year ago. It was the story of a coversation between a man and the Devil. But I took an entirely different bend on the Devil. Almost comical, very sorrowful. Basically I showed the Devil as a very beaten middle-aged man, pathetic really, but he was defined by his desire. Consuming desire. It was a great story in my head. I wish I had written it down then. I tried to write it later, but the dialogue was not the wit that it was at that moment. It is a great regret, that story. It was a brilliance that I let slip. If only I had written it at that moment, in that moment. It would have been fascinating.
I have no ending to this blog. I have no way to tie it to my movie quote. Hell, I have nothing to say for this movie quote other than I like it. Like most of my thoughts I will let this drift. Though I will conclude in a very traditional blog style. I will include a hyperlink. This is a site I found on the Forums. This is 2-dimensional sidewalk art, drawn in chalk. It looks entirely 3-dimensional. So much so, I can't even find the plane of its real existance.
http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm
My personal favorites are the swimming pool and the self portrait (if only for the Cubs hat).
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