"I asked for it. 'To be heading into the inexorable...where no mother will care for us...no woman crosses our path...where only reality reigns...with cruelty and grandeur.' I was drunk with those words. Well, this is reality."
- Das Boot
It's time to face certain realities. It's time to come to grips with the fact that my life will not be the way I wanted it. That I will never have a wife. Someone to build a home with. Someone to come home to. Someone to balance my life and me balance hers. To lean on like two trees in the wind. It's time to realize I will never have a son, or a daughter. A child to care for. A child to watch grow and become a full person. A child to try and lend what knowledge I've garnered in my life. It's time to face the fact that the lonely house I come home to each night is all there will ever be. For as long as I live there will only be that empty quiet. That all the dreams I dreamed for myself are falsehoods and deceptions. And that only this stark reality remains.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
I don't have to beget a child
No, I don't have to beget a child or plant a tree but it would be rather nice coming home after a long day to feed the cat.
- Wings Over Berlin
There have been recent developments in the cat escapade, which I won't go into here. Suffice to say, I have a lovely little kitten coming to my home on Saturday. I am very excited. It is a female and I've already named her Mira. Those of you who knew about my little...ahem...obsession with KOTOR II should not find this surprising. I have pictures. I will post them sometime.
- Wings Over Berlin
There have been recent developments in the cat escapade, which I won't go into here. Suffice to say, I have a lovely little kitten coming to my home on Saturday. I am very excited. It is a female and I've already named her Mira. Those of you who knew about my little...ahem...obsession with KOTOR II should not find this surprising. I have pictures. I will post them sometime.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Chicago Diaries (again)
Friday: I drive to Chicago. Half the time I'm listening to new music I bought. The other half of the time I'm listening to the Cubs lose. Freaking Cubs and their losing. I get to Chicago and head to my mothers place. We talk about how much the Cubs suck, then we go to dinner at Red Robin, which is one of only two places I can get a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. I nom and am happy. The stomach is not. Between the burger, the fries and an order of onion rings my mother gets, I have consumed my body weight in grease. I'm exhausted. I tell my mother I'm lame and go back to her boyfriends condo where I am staying (so I don't die from allergies to my mothers cats) and pass out.
Saturday: My one non-family day. My mother has tickets to go see Niel Diamond with her boyfriend (she loves Niel Diamond in a way I'm not sure is healthy). This works out perfectly, as this is one of the nights my old friend Asim is free. So I wake up around 11, head over to my moms place and watch the Cubs lose (again) before she heads off to the concert. I kill time reading a book my mother brought from her library for me to read. It is called the Journey of Luke Skywalker. It is an analysis of themes and motifs and other things in the original Star Wars trilogy through the view of Jungian Symbolism. As much, it's mostly full of crap, but there are a few new things it makes me think about, so I wouldn't call my time reading it wasted. However, it lost me at the end when the author makes a case for the reason people don't like the Episode I is that they don't understand the symbolism. Bullshit, the movie is plain bad.
Asim calls and we make plans to hit the theater as per our tradition. We meet and head to dinner first, as I needed to nom. Oh hey, a brew pub! Fie on your religious policies Asim, there is beer to be had! I drink the sampler, which contains like 42 different beers and my toes start to tingle while I eat a steak. Mmmmm, steak. Oh yes, I forgot, I greet one of my best friends by immediately making fun of how much hair he has lost. I am not a good person. Asim and I chat, all is well. I ask about his upcoming wedding and learn more about his wife-to-be. I am excited to meet her as it sounds like we will get along. Hell, I might get along better with her than Asim. Honestly man, how can you not like Bollywood films?
We conclude the evening by watching the new X-files movie, which with both agree could have easily been made without the X-files being involved at all. In fact, I think it might have been better. Overall, I give it a meh. Asim and I say our goodbyes with the full knowledge we will see each other again in December at his wedding, which would make it shortest time between meetings since we worked at the theater together. Seriously, I hope I have some stuff to talk about by then. Oh who am I kidding, we won't be talking, he'll be in marriage ceremony hell. But WOOOOO I get to see the full weekend festivities for his wedding. I'm excited.
Sunday: Baseball game #1. As per another tradition, my mother and I with accompanying other folks take in a Cubs game at Wrigley. Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of his head to the ballgame. The boyfriend has procured the tickets from a vendor trying to impress one of the companies he works for (the man wears many hats). Ergo, we get fucking awesome tickets. Row 14. Row fucking 14, up directly from third base, next to the home dugout. This has simultaneous effects of being awesome (great seats) and horrible (we are sitting in direct sunlight). There are all of five clouds in the sky, the sun is beating down, and I'm sweating like a motherfuck. I coat myself with suntan lotion, otherwise my Irish skin will burst into flames. Of course I miss three spots: along my sideburns, the top of my left knee and amazingly a spot on my left hand. I discover these spots later.
So I'm broiling with a nice marinade and the Cubs go down 5-0. Blech. The fourth inning arrives and so does the shade cast by the upper deck. People next to us never show, so we spread out with spacer seats between us. The shade is refreshing, and I'm starting to cool off. The Cubs heat up. "Enough of this bullshit," they say, as they pound out 9 runs on a way to a 9-6 victory. We are going nuts, life is all good.
The game ends, we take the El back to the car in Skokie, drive home. I'm tired beyond reason. I don't understand it. All I did was sit and watch a baseball game and I'm freaking exhausted. This happens every time I go to a game. I head back to the condo, shower off the sweat and lotion, and fall asleep, tired but pleased.
Monday: Visit the family day. I must making the obligitory house calls to my sisters and see them or they will never let me forget it. So we head over to one sisters and discover the other is showing up there too. Fantastic, two birds with one stone. My sisters place stinks of cat urine. This is not a surprise as they have FOUR FUCKING CATS. In addition to a dog, rabbits, and I think a sloth as well. You never know with my sister. She has an addiction.
I visit with the family and abscond before my sinuses leap out of my face. Mother and I head back to hear place to eat barbecued brisket (YUM) and watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers before heading out to watch Hellboy II. Her choice, I might add. I am pleased with the film, it is much better than the first Hellboy. We part and I go to sleep. All is well.
Tuesday: Baseball game #2, with a twist! We go to see another Cubs game. But, the thing is, the Cubs aren't at home. They are playing the Brewers in Milwaukee. Road Trip! Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of hers from work drive up to Milwaukee to see the game. Reports are that traffic getting up there is horrendous, so we leave 17 hours early. There is absolutely NO traffic and we get there with 2 hours to spare before the game. So we go to the TGIFridays there in the park and eat dinner. I begin drinking beer. Mothers boyfriend buys me an Amstel, which is nice of him, but damnit, I'm in Milwaukee! So I quickly finish that beer and get me a Leinie's Red. Traditional Wisconsin beer. I might mention I haven't each much at this point. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Dinner finishes just in time to head for our seats before the game. Seats are in the 200's (first balcony) right next to the pressbox. Nice seats. The park is like half Cubs fans that came up from Chicago, and it's a city rivalry. Much fun to be had. I have a third beer. Carlos Zambrano is on fucking fire, shutting down the Brewers in an ugly fashion. Cubs offense puts up 7 runs. Cubs beat the Brewers for a second night in a row. We are ecstatic, Cubs fans are going nuts. There is general pandemonium as we leave the park at 10:30 and do the long the drive home. I'm exhausted. My mother is about to die. She had to get up at 3 AM to drive my one sister to the airport, then be up at 6 AM for her regular golfing date, then go the game. Plus she had to drive the last hour of the drive. How she didn't pass out I'll never know. I get back to my bed at 2 AM and collapse.
Wednesday: Bumming around with Mom day. I wake up ungodly late and watch Batman Begins for reasons that come later. Head over to Mom's place. We plan on screwing around downtown Naperville in the afternoon. My previous trip we did that and had a great time hitting an antique shop and used bookstore where I made huge finds in both places. The bookstore has since closed. We head downtown to find that the antique store has also closed. My mother expresses general despair and disgust at the state of downtown Naperville. In order to not waste a trip, we head to the candy store. I buy Charleston Chews and 2 pounds of jellybeans. I discover the existance of Dr. Pepper jellybeans and my life is changed forever.
We pick up a metric fuckton of food from Portillo's (yet another tradition) and eat it while we watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers for a fourth night in a row. Then we go to see The Dark Knight.
The original plan had been to see it in the IMAX, but this falls through as the IMAX is sold out. Oh well, we go so it in the regular theater. We are both blown away by how awesome it is. Beyond awesome. It's....awesomenth. Go see it.
My mother and I talk in the parking lot for a half hour about the movie before retiring to our respective beds.
Thursday: Cultural Day. My mother and I share a love for the city of Chicago. We both love our city very much and are interested in its history. She's the one that told me to read Devil in the White City. Plus, she loves that when I come home I like to do tourist-y things in downtown Chi-town. The type of things you never think to do when you live there.
We get up early (seriously, earlier than I usually get up for work) and head to downtown via the Metra. Ah the train, good fun. We get there early for our first appointment, so we walk along the riverfront a dozen blocks or so. The day is generally nice, Chicago is great. To kill time we go into the Corner Bakery, which seems to be a local chain. I have a damn good club panini. Then hit our first appointment.
The architectural boat tour. It is a ferry tour up and down the Chicago river looking and learning about the architecture of the city. My mothers idea, and I love it. The tour is 90 minutes, the first thirty of which are in the sun before a front moves through the city. We get sprinkled on slightly, but the rain stays mostly away until the last 5 minutes of the tour, at which point we were just heading back to port and we scurry below deck. I love the architecture of the city. And I further learn about how fucking brilliant Daniel Burnham is. I learned about him in the Devil in the White City as he was the chief architect behind the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago, but his influence in the city goes far beyond that. He shaped the way the entire city looks, and I bet most Chicagoans don't know that. Boat tour is much fun.
Afterwards we walk around the Tribune Tower as we learned on the tour has rocks from all over the world stuck into the masonry. Rocks from all 50 states, rocks from things like the Parthenon and the Forbidden City. Obviously, not all rocks were legally obtained, but it was the early 1900's, so whatever. After this we go for lunch.
The Billy Goat Tavern. Lower Michigan avenue (underground). Greasy spoon. This is a Chicago mecca. For those of you that may have watched old SNL, the skit with John Belushi and the "CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER" thing was based on this place. It is a Chicago fixture. I have a doublecheeseburger and a root beer in the Billy Goat Tavern and watch the Cubs beat the Brewers. For those that follow baseball, you will understand how huge the four game sweep of the Brewers was. For those that don't, trust me, it was huge. And the perfect place to watch the game was in the Billy Goat Tavern. I'm in love with this place.
We wander among the shops downtown heading in the general direction of our other major appointment. The Art Institute of Chicago. I don't know much about art. I wish I did. I figure the best way to learn is to go look at art. To the Art Institute we go! Unfortunately most of the exhibits I want to see are closed. So it goes. But we have a good time, find some things we like, generally become cultural and I express my disgust at European painters in the pre-modernist period. Such depressing paintings. However, before leaving, I hit the gift shop and pick up a nice matte'd print of one of my favorite paintings, "Nighthawks" by Edward Hopper. I need to frame that and get on my wall. Next target, a nice print of Rene Magritte's "Son of Man".
We walk back to the train station, our feet killing us, and get back home tired but happy.
Friday: A few loose ends to tidy up before leaving. Breakfast with my mother at a nice restaurant. Eggs benedict, nom. Then out to my sisters again. She is fostering a kitten. A friend of my mothers found a 2 day old kitten in her backyard (the rest of the litter was later found, not alive) and took it to my sister (aka Dr. Doolittle). They managed to keep it alive and healthy, which is something of a miracle. Moms friend is taking care of it, but my sister who helped nurture it is looking after it for a week starting that day while Friend was out of town. I've heard so much about this kitten that I need to see it. Kitten is cute as only kittens can be, and is in full kitten mode. My own kitten cannot arrive fast enough.
I say my goodbyes to mother and promise I'll call. She loads me up with food and sends me on my way. I also pickup a ton of food from my favorite Chineese restaurant before I go. Cafe Jasmine. Best. Potstickers. Ever. And then I hit Frye's for the Spaced DVD and a few other things. Then I'm off on the road to Indiana and home. I take a different route that has less traffic but adds 30 minutes to my drive. Plus ungodly tolls. Seriously, a $2 toll? Fuck you, IDOT. I listen to the Cubs game as I drive back. They lose. Stupid Cubs and their losing.
Saturday: My one non-family day. My mother has tickets to go see Niel Diamond with her boyfriend (she loves Niel Diamond in a way I'm not sure is healthy). This works out perfectly, as this is one of the nights my old friend Asim is free. So I wake up around 11, head over to my moms place and watch the Cubs lose (again) before she heads off to the concert. I kill time reading a book my mother brought from her library for me to read. It is called the Journey of Luke Skywalker. It is an analysis of themes and motifs and other things in the original Star Wars trilogy through the view of Jungian Symbolism. As much, it's mostly full of crap, but there are a few new things it makes me think about, so I wouldn't call my time reading it wasted. However, it lost me at the end when the author makes a case for the reason people don't like the Episode I is that they don't understand the symbolism. Bullshit, the movie is plain bad.
Asim calls and we make plans to hit the theater as per our tradition. We meet and head to dinner first, as I needed to nom. Oh hey, a brew pub! Fie on your religious policies Asim, there is beer to be had! I drink the sampler, which contains like 42 different beers and my toes start to tingle while I eat a steak. Mmmmm, steak. Oh yes, I forgot, I greet one of my best friends by immediately making fun of how much hair he has lost. I am not a good person. Asim and I chat, all is well. I ask about his upcoming wedding and learn more about his wife-to-be. I am excited to meet her as it sounds like we will get along. Hell, I might get along better with her than Asim. Honestly man, how can you not like Bollywood films?
We conclude the evening by watching the new X-files movie, which with both agree could have easily been made without the X-files being involved at all. In fact, I think it might have been better. Overall, I give it a meh. Asim and I say our goodbyes with the full knowledge we will see each other again in December at his wedding, which would make it shortest time between meetings since we worked at the theater together. Seriously, I hope I have some stuff to talk about by then. Oh who am I kidding, we won't be talking, he'll be in marriage ceremony hell. But WOOOOO I get to see the full weekend festivities for his wedding. I'm excited.
Sunday: Baseball game #1. As per another tradition, my mother and I with accompanying other folks take in a Cubs game at Wrigley. Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of his head to the ballgame. The boyfriend has procured the tickets from a vendor trying to impress one of the companies he works for (the man wears many hats). Ergo, we get fucking awesome tickets. Row 14. Row fucking 14, up directly from third base, next to the home dugout. This has simultaneous effects of being awesome (great seats) and horrible (we are sitting in direct sunlight). There are all of five clouds in the sky, the sun is beating down, and I'm sweating like a motherfuck. I coat myself with suntan lotion, otherwise my Irish skin will burst into flames. Of course I miss three spots: along my sideburns, the top of my left knee and amazingly a spot on my left hand. I discover these spots later.
So I'm broiling with a nice marinade and the Cubs go down 5-0. Blech. The fourth inning arrives and so does the shade cast by the upper deck. People next to us never show, so we spread out with spacer seats between us. The shade is refreshing, and I'm starting to cool off. The Cubs heat up. "Enough of this bullshit," they say, as they pound out 9 runs on a way to a 9-6 victory. We are going nuts, life is all good.
The game ends, we take the El back to the car in Skokie, drive home. I'm tired beyond reason. I don't understand it. All I did was sit and watch a baseball game and I'm freaking exhausted. This happens every time I go to a game. I head back to the condo, shower off the sweat and lotion, and fall asleep, tired but pleased.
Monday: Visit the family day. I must making the obligitory house calls to my sisters and see them or they will never let me forget it. So we head over to one sisters and discover the other is showing up there too. Fantastic, two birds with one stone. My sisters place stinks of cat urine. This is not a surprise as they have FOUR FUCKING CATS. In addition to a dog, rabbits, and I think a sloth as well. You never know with my sister. She has an addiction.
I visit with the family and abscond before my sinuses leap out of my face. Mother and I head back to hear place to eat barbecued brisket (YUM) and watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers before heading out to watch Hellboy II. Her choice, I might add. I am pleased with the film, it is much better than the first Hellboy. We part and I go to sleep. All is well.
Tuesday: Baseball game #2, with a twist! We go to see another Cubs game. But, the thing is, the Cubs aren't at home. They are playing the Brewers in Milwaukee. Road Trip! Myself, my mother, her boyfriend and a friend of hers from work drive up to Milwaukee to see the game. Reports are that traffic getting up there is horrendous, so we leave 17 hours early. There is absolutely NO traffic and we get there with 2 hours to spare before the game. So we go to the TGIFridays there in the park and eat dinner. I begin drinking beer. Mothers boyfriend buys me an Amstel, which is nice of him, but damnit, I'm in Milwaukee! So I quickly finish that beer and get me a Leinie's Red. Traditional Wisconsin beer. I might mention I haven't each much at this point. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Dinner finishes just in time to head for our seats before the game. Seats are in the 200's (first balcony) right next to the pressbox. Nice seats. The park is like half Cubs fans that came up from Chicago, and it's a city rivalry. Much fun to be had. I have a third beer. Carlos Zambrano is on fucking fire, shutting down the Brewers in an ugly fashion. Cubs offense puts up 7 runs. Cubs beat the Brewers for a second night in a row. We are ecstatic, Cubs fans are going nuts. There is general pandemonium as we leave the park at 10:30 and do the long the drive home. I'm exhausted. My mother is about to die. She had to get up at 3 AM to drive my one sister to the airport, then be up at 6 AM for her regular golfing date, then go the game. Plus she had to drive the last hour of the drive. How she didn't pass out I'll never know. I get back to my bed at 2 AM and collapse.
Wednesday: Bumming around with Mom day. I wake up ungodly late and watch Batman Begins for reasons that come later. Head over to Mom's place. We plan on screwing around downtown Naperville in the afternoon. My previous trip we did that and had a great time hitting an antique shop and used bookstore where I made huge finds in both places. The bookstore has since closed. We head downtown to find that the antique store has also closed. My mother expresses general despair and disgust at the state of downtown Naperville. In order to not waste a trip, we head to the candy store. I buy Charleston Chews and 2 pounds of jellybeans. I discover the existance of Dr. Pepper jellybeans and my life is changed forever.
We pick up a metric fuckton of food from Portillo's (yet another tradition) and eat it while we watch the Cubs beat up on the Brewers for a fourth night in a row. Then we go to see The Dark Knight.
The original plan had been to see it in the IMAX, but this falls through as the IMAX is sold out. Oh well, we go so it in the regular theater. We are both blown away by how awesome it is. Beyond awesome. It's....awesomenth. Go see it.
My mother and I talk in the parking lot for a half hour about the movie before retiring to our respective beds.
Thursday: Cultural Day. My mother and I share a love for the city of Chicago. We both love our city very much and are interested in its history. She's the one that told me to read Devil in the White City. Plus, she loves that when I come home I like to do tourist-y things in downtown Chi-town. The type of things you never think to do when you live there.
We get up early (seriously, earlier than I usually get up for work) and head to downtown via the Metra. Ah the train, good fun. We get there early for our first appointment, so we walk along the riverfront a dozen blocks or so. The day is generally nice, Chicago is great. To kill time we go into the Corner Bakery, which seems to be a local chain. I have a damn good club panini. Then hit our first appointment.
The architectural boat tour. It is a ferry tour up and down the Chicago river looking and learning about the architecture of the city. My mothers idea, and I love it. The tour is 90 minutes, the first thirty of which are in the sun before a front moves through the city. We get sprinkled on slightly, but the rain stays mostly away until the last 5 minutes of the tour, at which point we were just heading back to port and we scurry below deck. I love the architecture of the city. And I further learn about how fucking brilliant Daniel Burnham is. I learned about him in the Devil in the White City as he was the chief architect behind the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago, but his influence in the city goes far beyond that. He shaped the way the entire city looks, and I bet most Chicagoans don't know that. Boat tour is much fun.
Afterwards we walk around the Tribune Tower as we learned on the tour has rocks from all over the world stuck into the masonry. Rocks from all 50 states, rocks from things like the Parthenon and the Forbidden City. Obviously, not all rocks were legally obtained, but it was the early 1900's, so whatever. After this we go for lunch.
The Billy Goat Tavern. Lower Michigan avenue (underground). Greasy spoon. This is a Chicago mecca. For those of you that may have watched old SNL, the skit with John Belushi and the "CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER CHEESEBURGER" thing was based on this place. It is a Chicago fixture. I have a doublecheeseburger and a root beer in the Billy Goat Tavern and watch the Cubs beat the Brewers. For those that follow baseball, you will understand how huge the four game sweep of the Brewers was. For those that don't, trust me, it was huge. And the perfect place to watch the game was in the Billy Goat Tavern. I'm in love with this place.
We wander among the shops downtown heading in the general direction of our other major appointment. The Art Institute of Chicago. I don't know much about art. I wish I did. I figure the best way to learn is to go look at art. To the Art Institute we go! Unfortunately most of the exhibits I want to see are closed. So it goes. But we have a good time, find some things we like, generally become cultural and I express my disgust at European painters in the pre-modernist period. Such depressing paintings. However, before leaving, I hit the gift shop and pick up a nice matte'd print of one of my favorite paintings, "Nighthawks" by Edward Hopper. I need to frame that and get on my wall. Next target, a nice print of Rene Magritte's "Son of Man".
We walk back to the train station, our feet killing us, and get back home tired but happy.
Friday: A few loose ends to tidy up before leaving. Breakfast with my mother at a nice restaurant. Eggs benedict, nom. Then out to my sisters again. She is fostering a kitten. A friend of my mothers found a 2 day old kitten in her backyard (the rest of the litter was later found, not alive) and took it to my sister (aka Dr. Doolittle). They managed to keep it alive and healthy, which is something of a miracle. Moms friend is taking care of it, but my sister who helped nurture it is looking after it for a week starting that day while Friend was out of town. I've heard so much about this kitten that I need to see it. Kitten is cute as only kittens can be, and is in full kitten mode. My own kitten cannot arrive fast enough.
I say my goodbyes to mother and promise I'll call. She loads me up with food and sends me on my way. I also pickup a ton of food from my favorite Chineese restaurant before I go. Cafe Jasmine. Best. Potstickers. Ever. And then I hit Frye's for the Spaced DVD and a few other things. Then I'm off on the road to Indiana and home. I take a different route that has less traffic but adds 30 minutes to my drive. Plus ungodly tolls. Seriously, a $2 toll? Fuck you, IDOT. I listen to the Cubs game as I drive back. They lose. Stupid Cubs and their losing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
