"I asked for it. 'To be heading into the inexorable...where no mother will care for us...no woman crosses our path...where only reality reigns...with cruelty and grandeur.' I was drunk with those words. Well, this is reality."
- Das Boot
It's time to face certain realities. It's time to come to grips with the fact that my life will not be the way I wanted it. That I will never have a wife. Someone to build a home with. Someone to come home to. Someone to balance my life and me balance hers. To lean on like two trees in the wind. It's time to realize I will never have a son, or a daughter. A child to care for. A child to watch grow and become a full person. A child to try and lend what knowledge I've garnered in my life. It's time to face the fact that the lonely house I come home to each night is all there will ever be. For as long as I live there will only be that empty quiet. That all the dreams I dreamed for myself are falsehoods and deceptions. And that only this stark reality remains.
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11 comments:
Welcome, brother.
You know, I thought for a brief second about giving you some sort of platitude, but fuck that. Not going to use your blog to rant, so I'll just say - stupid life, you suck.
Dude, we keep tellin' ya. Move down here! They're just better down South.
Remember, Jersey girls aren't trash... trash gets picked up!
ba-dum pshhhh!
Dude, I lived in the South. 6 years. In Georgia. Same rejection, different accent.
At one point my city led the country in teen pregnancy and, less happily still, VD. This tells you that we fuck like they're taking it off the menu tomorrow. Get yourself to a REAL city. This one to be exact.
Is it my zombie fixation? Or the constant threats to drop a deuce in my boss' desk? Or the constant threats to set shit on fire at work? Or the constant threats to throw office furniture through the windows at work? Or the constant homoerotic jokes with Coyote, fett, Cyrris, Noq, Pascal, Jular, Woobie, and Emu? Or...
Oh wait... you were talking to them.
Carry on.
He worries me too. Awesome people are not allowed to feel that bad.
Is there some other way to feel? We all seem to feel pretty shitty most of the time. Is there a class we can take for this? We're pretty smart so we'd probably breeze right through.
"We all seem to feel pretty shitty most of the time."
You know, when people say they're happy most of the time, I just figure they're either lying to themselves, to me, or on drugs.
I'm on drugs. They don't help that much.
It's not like I'm depressed per se. I mean, no more than usual. I'm just bitter. When I was finishing my PhD I had to change part of my personality. I had to become a problem solver. I would be presented with a problem, be it in my research, my weight or my diabetes, and I had to figure out a way to fix it and do it myself. It's a good feeling. It made me sick of complaining, because people would complain and I wanted to tell them to quit bitching and figure out how to fix their problem instead. The issue is, my personal life is a problem, and it's something I can't fix myself. It's the one problem you can't fix yourself. I can't force anyone to want me. Therefore it's completely out of my power, and experience tells me that no one actually wants to be with me.
So I have to accept my powerlessness over the situation. I have given up. Given up hope. And with that comes a bitterness, because I dreamed dreams for myself. Dreams of a home and family. And those dreams are dead. I have accepted that, but in their place is bitterness. I don't think that is too extraordinary, to be a little bitter when your dreams go away.
Most of the time I think that's actually why we do it. If ignorance is bliss then intelligence is misery.
Also, hope is hell. That's what hell is, the hope for a better tomorrow that never comes. I'm not really helping here so I'll go over there and be quiet now.
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