I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say... genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...
- Roxanne
I had a stroke of genius last night. There's been a spate of strange commercials for Capital One, all about getting customized credit cards, down the picture that's one them. One of the commercials had the punchline of an evil genius getting his card with kittens on it. That's when I thought:
"I should get one of those with a lolcat on it"
I'm a genius.
-Credit Card Cat is watching you buy porn
-Do not want high interest rate
-I can has frequent flyer miles?
Possibilities abound!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It is said
Count de Monet: it is said the people are revolting
King Louis XVI: you said it! They stink on ice!
- History of the World: Part I
(it's been a long time since I did the topical movie quote to lead off a blog entry. Bite me, I'm lazy)
So it has finally happened. It's been a long time coming, but now war is being waged. After long years of neglect my body is now in open rebellion against me. It started quietly. The first whispers of dissension began 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. But with the iron boot of exercise and medication I quelled those whispers. I should've learned from other dictators. You can stop the voices, but you cannot stop the war.
My wisdom teeth are now engaging in guerrilla warfare. The two on the left side have taken a piece of tissue from my jaw hostage and gnashing it to pieces. They are also cutting into my cheek. They lay quiescent for years, hurting only when they first came in, not bothering me since. Now they are literally trying to chew my face off from within.
So yeah, in lots of pain.
I ask around in lab and find a dentist people use. It's time for the wisdom teeth to come out. I haven't been keeping them for any particular reason, I just never found the opportunity to remove them. The opportunity has arisen. They need to be gone so I can stop with the being in pain. I call to make an appointment. The earliest they can take me is Feb. 11.
Fuck.
Alright, fine, I'll manage.
This morning I get a call from them. They've had a couple cancellations, can I come in this morning? Oh hell yes, let's get started on getting these bastards out of my head. So this morning I head to the dentist, get a cleaning and checkup and whatnot, get X-rays taken that eventually the oral surgeon will need. Get a referall to an oral surgeon, need to call them and make an appointment to get my jaw sawed off. So that's a fun morning.
What's in the afternoon you say?
How about a trip to the BMV! (Bureau of Motor Vehicles)
I've been putting off getting my new license for some time, aka 6 months. Why you ask? Cause in Indiana when you get a new license you have to retake the written test. You fucking kidding me? Ah shit, I haven't studied for a test in 4 years or so. But my insurance company currently has a bounty on me because I've been dragging my feet on this thing. They finally got ahold of my cell phone number, so they can bug me directly. Time to get this done. So I study up and head to the BMV and take the fucking test. I pass. And I laugh hysterically at the test. There are a couple tough questions, but the majority of them are so stupidly easy only a braindead moron would miss them. Then I laugh harder when I hear some 16 year old kid failed his.
While I'm there, I also register to vote, transfer the title on my car to myself, and register the car with the state. Paperwork out the ass. Plus it cost over a hundred bucks, on top of the seventy for the dental exam.
So morning at the dentist, afternoon at the BMV. I think this evening I'll get a rectal exam and call it a day.
King Louis XVI: you said it! They stink on ice!
- History of the World: Part I
(it's been a long time since I did the topical movie quote to lead off a blog entry. Bite me, I'm lazy)
So it has finally happened. It's been a long time coming, but now war is being waged. After long years of neglect my body is now in open rebellion against me. It started quietly. The first whispers of dissension began 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. But with the iron boot of exercise and medication I quelled those whispers. I should've learned from other dictators. You can stop the voices, but you cannot stop the war.
My wisdom teeth are now engaging in guerrilla warfare. The two on the left side have taken a piece of tissue from my jaw hostage and gnashing it to pieces. They are also cutting into my cheek. They lay quiescent for years, hurting only when they first came in, not bothering me since. Now they are literally trying to chew my face off from within.
So yeah, in lots of pain.
I ask around in lab and find a dentist people use. It's time for the wisdom teeth to come out. I haven't been keeping them for any particular reason, I just never found the opportunity to remove them. The opportunity has arisen. They need to be gone so I can stop with the being in pain. I call to make an appointment. The earliest they can take me is Feb. 11.
Fuck.
Alright, fine, I'll manage.
This morning I get a call from them. They've had a couple cancellations, can I come in this morning? Oh hell yes, let's get started on getting these bastards out of my head. So this morning I head to the dentist, get a cleaning and checkup and whatnot, get X-rays taken that eventually the oral surgeon will need. Get a referall to an oral surgeon, need to call them and make an appointment to get my jaw sawed off. So that's a fun morning.
What's in the afternoon you say?
How about a trip to the BMV! (Bureau of Motor Vehicles)
I've been putting off getting my new license for some time, aka 6 months. Why you ask? Cause in Indiana when you get a new license you have to retake the written test. You fucking kidding me? Ah shit, I haven't studied for a test in 4 years or so. But my insurance company currently has a bounty on me because I've been dragging my feet on this thing. They finally got ahold of my cell phone number, so they can bug me directly. Time to get this done. So I study up and head to the BMV and take the fucking test. I pass. And I laugh hysterically at the test. There are a couple tough questions, but the majority of them are so stupidly easy only a braindead moron would miss them. Then I laugh harder when I hear some 16 year old kid failed his.
While I'm there, I also register to vote, transfer the title on my car to myself, and register the car with the state. Paperwork out the ass. Plus it cost over a hundred bucks, on top of the seventy for the dental exam.
So morning at the dentist, afternoon at the BMV. I think this evening I'll get a rectal exam and call it a day.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Science is small, the Internet is scary, life is cruel
I found her. I've been searching for this mystery woman for almost 6 months. Today I found her. There I was, at seminar, trying to not fall asleep for about 45 minutes. It has less to do with a boring topic and more to do with a comfortable seat, my warm coat and a drop in blood sugar. The guy finally gets to the thank-yous and puts up a picture of his lab members, as is sometimes customary.
I snap to alert faster than I have ever done so in my life. I literally, LITERALLY, felt the sleep drain from my head, down my shoulders and my spine and dissipate in my belly. There she is, in the picture! Exactly as I remember her. I even remembered her first name correctly. I am stunned. I am shocked. I am excited and scared. I've been looking for her for some time, always keeping my eyes peeled when I walked to the gym and back. Now I have more than a lead, I've got the freaking path to her door.
Science is a very small world.
I get back from the seminar and immediately look her up at the departmental website. Yup, there she is, listed as a lab manager for the guy that gave the seminar. It even has her email address! Okay....okay...okay................okay. I'll email her. I'll introduce myself, ask if she really is who I remember she to be. I am going to be daring. I am going to be adventurous. I am going to be completely not myself. I will, in fact, be a better me.
But wait a moment. Her email address isn't quite jiving with her name. Indiana University is boring in assigning email addresses. They won't let you get creative. It's always some combination of your first and last name. But her first and last name aren't matching the email address. Ok, what do I do now? What anyone would do. Google the name. I google it, I get a hit. Purdue Swing Dance club. Well hell, that right there confirms that she is the woman I remember from my undergrad days at Purdue. I read around the page. Club was founded in 2000 (my junior year) by these people. There's her first name and with a last name that matches the content of the email address. And there's the other last name....with a guys name in front of it.
Ah.
The Internet is truly scary in what you can find out about other people.
What is this I'm feeling? Oh, I remember you. It's been a while, but I do remember you. I won't call you a friend, but I will call you my companion, Crushing Loneliness. Unbeknown to me, somewhere in the back of my mind I had been constructing fantasies about this woman. I remember thinking she was cute back in my undergrad days, and she was shy, like me. To be reunited all these years later, by seeming chance. It was fate. It was kismet.
It was a lie, of course.
As if I didn't know what was going on in the back of my mind. I knew exactly what I was doing. But I won't forgive my romantic nature. It seemed all so...beautiful, even in a fantasy. But even in the fantasy, the fall is hard, and it hurts when you bounce. It doesn't help that I think I completely weirded out this woman in my lab that I found attractive (though in an innocent way). I guess it's just been a rough week in that area.
Life is cruel.
To those of you that have found someone. Some know how lucky you are. Some do not. Count your blessings like they were unhatched eggs. Number them on your fingers and toes, on the breathes you take, on the hairs on their head. Yours is the world. Hold it and count it. Then count it again. And again. And again and again until the number of the world sinks into your imagination. And the number is infinity.
I snap to alert faster than I have ever done so in my life. I literally, LITERALLY, felt the sleep drain from my head, down my shoulders and my spine and dissipate in my belly. There she is, in the picture! Exactly as I remember her. I even remembered her first name correctly. I am stunned. I am shocked. I am excited and scared. I've been looking for her for some time, always keeping my eyes peeled when I walked to the gym and back. Now I have more than a lead, I've got the freaking path to her door.
Science is a very small world.
I get back from the seminar and immediately look her up at the departmental website. Yup, there she is, listed as a lab manager for the guy that gave the seminar. It even has her email address! Okay....okay...okay................okay. I'll email her. I'll introduce myself, ask if she really is who I remember she to be. I am going to be daring. I am going to be adventurous. I am going to be completely not myself. I will, in fact, be a better me.
But wait a moment. Her email address isn't quite jiving with her name. Indiana University is boring in assigning email addresses. They won't let you get creative. It's always some combination of your first and last name. But her first and last name aren't matching the email address. Ok, what do I do now? What anyone would do. Google the name. I google it, I get a hit. Purdue Swing Dance club. Well hell, that right there confirms that she is the woman I remember from my undergrad days at Purdue. I read around the page. Club was founded in 2000 (my junior year) by these people. There's her first name and with a last name that matches the content of the email address. And there's the other last name....with a guys name in front of it.
Ah.
The Internet is truly scary in what you can find out about other people.
What is this I'm feeling? Oh, I remember you. It's been a while, but I do remember you. I won't call you a friend, but I will call you my companion, Crushing Loneliness. Unbeknown to me, somewhere in the back of my mind I had been constructing fantasies about this woman. I remember thinking she was cute back in my undergrad days, and she was shy, like me. To be reunited all these years later, by seeming chance. It was fate. It was kismet.
It was a lie, of course.
As if I didn't know what was going on in the back of my mind. I knew exactly what I was doing. But I won't forgive my romantic nature. It seemed all so...beautiful, even in a fantasy. But even in the fantasy, the fall is hard, and it hurts when you bounce. It doesn't help that I think I completely weirded out this woman in my lab that I found attractive (though in an innocent way). I guess it's just been a rough week in that area.
Life is cruel.
To those of you that have found someone. Some know how lucky you are. Some do not. Count your blessings like they were unhatched eggs. Number them on your fingers and toes, on the breathes you take, on the hairs on their head. Yours is the world. Hold it and count it. Then count it again. And again. And again and again until the number of the world sinks into your imagination. And the number is infinity.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Revenge of the Top 5
5 Reasons I'm Happy to be Back Living in the Midwest
5. Increase in proximity to my beloved Chicago.
4. Decrease (by percentage) in the number of billboards telling me to get Jesus.
3. Attractive women in winter wearing boots. I've got thing for women in boots. I've got a lot of things.
2. Seasons.
1. Hamburger Helper Cheesy Hash Browns (not available in the South).
5. Increase in proximity to my beloved Chicago.
4. Decrease (by percentage) in the number of billboards telling me to get Jesus.
3. Attractive women in winter wearing boots. I've got thing for women in boots. I've got a lot of things.
2. Seasons.
1. Hamburger Helper Cheesy Hash Browns (not available in the South).
Monday, January 7, 2008
And then there are times when my faith in humanity is restored
The user poll on the imdb a few days ago was pretty good. It was "what genre of movies would you most like to live in?" I was thinking to myself going into it, "hey, that's interesting. Film noir would be pretty cool. Maybe sci fi." And there I am, scrolling down the list and I see the perfect answer, beats all other ideas. I vote, and am rewarded with the fact that this is most popular answer of all.
The genre of choice?
Adult.
God I love people sometimes.
Also, I must resist putting together a best of list ala Coyote cause, damn, stealing from him twice in two posts would be lame. But it's such a cool idea. So at this point I'll just post three musicians I've discovered in the past year that you should be listening to.
Ramsay Midwood
Frank Morey
Anders Osborne
Go. Listen. To. Them.
NOW.
The genre of choice?
Adult.
God I love people sometimes.
Also, I must resist putting together a best of list ala Coyote cause, damn, stealing from him twice in two posts would be lame. But it's such a cool idea. So at this point I'll just post three musicians I've discovered in the past year that you should be listening to.
Ramsay Midwood
Frank Morey
Anders Osborne
Go. Listen. To. Them.
NOW.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year, Same Stupidity
So it is New Years Day. In my attempt to stave off working for as long as possible, I stayed home today. I am also staying home tomorrow. So it will be a two day work week. Yay there.
What to do during my day off? I had planned to clean the apartment and do laundry. In actuality I spent the day playing WoW and watching TV. Now, the majority of TV options involves college football bowl games, which I can marginally muster interest in the best of times. This is not the best of times. Other options? All day Dirty Jobs marathon on Discovery. Damn straight. My mancrush for Mike Rowe progresses unabated.
During the course of the day I see two commercials that stand out in memory, very....very strong.
One is for these detoxifying foot pads. They use (and I think I've forgotten the exact term, but this is close) Kojima technology. A similar product can be found here. The principle is that you put these pads on the bottom of your feet when you sleep, and the pads soak up and draw out "heave metals, metabolic wastes, toxins, microscopic parasites, mucous, chemicals, cellulite and much more." Not only that, but the pads help cleanse using the power of IONS. Specifically, "tourmaline (the negative ion and far infrared producing mineral)."
This is, of course, absolute bullshit. It's snake oil. Hokey pokey nonsense. You toss around terms like "Japan" and "ions" and "arsenic" and gullible people are sold this crap. I was astounded that this actually made it onto a commercial for national television. I was completely blown away...
....until I saw a commercial for Zero Smoke. Zero Smoke is a method for quitting smoking. It uses "Auricular Therapy", which involves wearing two small 24 karat gold plated magnets on your left earlobe for 2-4 hours a day. They are BIOMAGNETS! This helps you quit smoking, by stimulating neurotransmitter production in the brain that reduces tobacco craving and nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
I was flabbergasted. This is worse than the foot pads. I mean, I could see some vague scientific basis bound and gagged in the corner of the foot pad platform. But I thought biomagnets were outed as quackery about the same time as phrenology. The fact that both of these commercials appeared on the Discovery Channel, a channel designed to spread scientific exploits and knowledge to the masses, made the stupidity even sweeter. If anything, the combined events of this holiday season has not weakened, but shaken, my faith in humanity.
So anyways, yeah, New Years. I am, once again, going to pretend that I am an intelligent and creative person by completely stealing from Coyote's blog. Here is a list of my New Years resolutions that I will, by hell or high-water, stick to*.
(*note: may not actually stick to these resolutions)
What to do during my day off? I had planned to clean the apartment and do laundry. In actuality I spent the day playing WoW and watching TV. Now, the majority of TV options involves college football bowl games, which I can marginally muster interest in the best of times. This is not the best of times. Other options? All day Dirty Jobs marathon on Discovery. Damn straight. My mancrush for Mike Rowe progresses unabated.
During the course of the day I see two commercials that stand out in memory, very....very strong.
One is for these detoxifying foot pads. They use (and I think I've forgotten the exact term, but this is close) Kojima technology. A similar product can be found here. The principle is that you put these pads on the bottom of your feet when you sleep, and the pads soak up and draw out "heave metals, metabolic wastes, toxins, microscopic parasites, mucous, chemicals, cellulite and much more." Not only that, but the pads help cleanse using the power of IONS. Specifically, "tourmaline (the negative ion and far infrared producing mineral)."
This is, of course, absolute bullshit. It's snake oil. Hokey pokey nonsense. You toss around terms like "Japan" and "ions" and "arsenic" and gullible people are sold this crap. I was astounded that this actually made it onto a commercial for national television. I was completely blown away...
....until I saw a commercial for Zero Smoke. Zero Smoke is a method for quitting smoking. It uses "Auricular Therapy", which involves wearing two small 24 karat gold plated magnets on your left earlobe for 2-4 hours a day. They are BIOMAGNETS! This helps you quit smoking, by stimulating neurotransmitter production in the brain that reduces tobacco craving and nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
I was flabbergasted. This is worse than the foot pads. I mean, I could see some vague scientific basis bound and gagged in the corner of the foot pad platform. But I thought biomagnets were outed as quackery about the same time as phrenology. The fact that both of these commercials appeared on the Discovery Channel, a channel designed to spread scientific exploits and knowledge to the masses, made the stupidity even sweeter. If anything, the combined events of this holiday season has not weakened, but shaken, my faith in humanity.
So anyways, yeah, New Years. I am, once again, going to pretend that I am an intelligent and creative person by completely stealing from Coyote's blog. Here is a list of my New Years resolutions that I will, by hell or high-water, stick to*.
(*note: may not actually stick to these resolutions)
- Pay off my credit card debt before buying a new recliner (as mine just broke), a new computer screen, or a new computer mouse.
- Go on at least 6 dates, one before the end of February.
- Allow my mancrush for Mike Rowe to proceed unchecked.
- Finish Pebbleman and actually look into publishing it.
- Attend TacoCon '08, attempt to remember as much of it as I can.
- Launch my military coup of Zebulon.
- Attain my first major weight point in my weight loss arc.
- Become at least 15% more awesome.
- Say at least one thing that makes people double over laughing.
- Say at least one thing that makes people give me that look of "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Get drunk.
- Embarrass myself publicly.
- Keep my houseplant alive.
- Smoke my Meerschaum more than once.
- Keep my apartment clean (HAHAHAHAHAHA).
- Live.
- Love.
- Laugh.
- Dance like a fool.
- Weep like a child.
- Hold myself to my New Years resolutions only so much as I want, and not feel guilty if I fail.
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