Science is small, the Internet is scary, life is cruel

I found her. I've been searching for this mystery woman for almost 6 months. Today I found her. There I was, at seminar, trying to not fall asleep for about 45 minutes. It has less to do with a boring topic and more to do with a comfortable seat, my warm coat and a drop in blood sugar. The guy finally gets to the thank-yous and puts up a picture of his lab members, as is sometimes customary.

I snap to alert faster than I have ever done so in my life. I literally, LITERALLY, felt the sleep drain from my head, down my shoulders and my spine and dissipate in my belly. There she is, in the picture! Exactly as I remember her. I even remembered her first name correctly. I am stunned. I am shocked. I am excited and scared. I've been looking for her for some time, always keeping my eyes peeled when I walked to the gym and back. Now I have more than a lead, I've got the freaking path to her door.

Science is a very small world.

I get back from the seminar and immediately look her up at the departmental website. Yup, there she is, listed as a lab manager for the guy that gave the seminar. It even has her email address! Okay....okay...okay................okay. I'll email her. I'll introduce myself, ask if she really is who I remember she to be. I am going to be daring. I am going to be adventurous. I am going to be completely not myself. I will, in fact, be a better me.

But wait a moment. Her email address isn't quite jiving with her name. Indiana University is boring in assigning email addresses. They won't let you get creative. It's always some combination of your first and last name. But her first and last name aren't matching the email address. Ok, what do I do now? What anyone would do. Google the name. I google it, I get a hit. Purdue Swing Dance club. Well hell, that right there confirms that she is the woman I remember from my undergrad days at Purdue. I read around the page. Club was founded in 2000 (my junior year) by these people. There's her first name and with a last name that matches the content of the email address. And there's the other last name....with a guys name in front of it.

Ah.

The Internet is truly scary in what you can find out about other people.

What is this I'm feeling? Oh, I remember you. It's been a while, but I do remember you. I won't call you a friend, but I will call you my companion, Crushing Loneliness. Unbeknown to me, somewhere in the back of my mind I had been constructing fantasies about this woman. I remember thinking she was cute back in my undergrad days, and she was shy, like me. To be reunited all these years later, by seeming chance. It was fate. It was kismet.

It was a lie, of course.

As if I didn't know what was going on in the back of my mind. I knew exactly what I was doing. But I won't forgive my romantic nature. It seemed all so...beautiful, even in a fantasy. But even in the fantasy, the fall is hard, and it hurts when you bounce. It doesn't help that I think I completely weirded out this woman in my lab that I found attractive (though in an innocent way). I guess it's just been a rough week in that area.

Life is cruel.

To those of you that have found someone. Some know how lucky you are. Some do not. Count your blessings like they were unhatched eggs. Number them on your fingers and toes, on the breathes you take, on the hairs on their head. Yours is the world. Hold it and count it. Then count it again. And again. And again and again until the number of the world sinks into your imagination. And the number is infinity.