Even the fat

First posted 9-3-04

"Even the fat and the ugly think that love makes them beautiful."
- Love is a Many Splendored Thing

No real reason for the quote other than I liked it and wanted to get it down. I think that's how it goes. You get the general idea. The movie sucked but it two good lines. That one, and "let us now drink tea and speak of absurdities." Good line that.

So, weird thoughts going through my head these days. Just general random thoughts, like bursts of static on a television. But that metaphor is a bit dated. Not many kids nowindays know what it's like to have a burst of static on their television, they've all grown up with cable. I think the most temporally relevent metaphor would be a temporary loss of buffering on a transmission streamed over the internet. Good lord, how the world is changing.

I keep repeating this line in my head. "The heart aches and the body breaks." It doesn't mean anything. I made it up myself. I just like the sound of it in my head. Is it applicable to me lately? Got me. Nothing specific. Maybe I'm just frail lately and it speaks to my frailty. My heart can ache and my body may break. I could go at any minute.

Dana and Theresa were up here not too long ago. Trying to convince me to go Dana's party tonight. And I acted very much like a stubborn braying ass. Resolute and unpleasant. Dana's like, "what's wrong?" And I say nothing and she doesn't believe me. I don't know. Nothing is particularly wrong with me. Nothing specific. I don't know, I think it's because I had a relatively shitty weekend last time and I don't want to be around people. Especially Theresa. She is not fun to be around when she's drunk. She has a tendency to say not nice things to me. And I know she means most of them in jest, but she doesn't get that I don't like to be teased. I don't take it well. That, and she gets belligerent. Hell, drunk or sober, we argue. And goddamnit, I don't like to argue. Everything is a challenge to her. I have to watch what I say to make sure I don't say anything controversial or otherwise inflammatory to her nature. And I don't like to have to do that. I have to do that with a lot of people lately, hence I don't like going out. And too tired and too lazy and too meek to do that. Like I've said many times before, it's work. And why should I go out when it amounts to work when I can stay home and enjoy myself. I only like hanging out with people that don't make me work.

I saw Kate the other day (no transition, but who the fuck cares). Kate was one of the few students in my first class that liked me. She's just gorgeous and has fantastic long curly black hair. When she wears it down it's like... I can't even describe it. It's the type of hair you'd like to get lost in for a week. Like how people used to think of the jungles of Africa, as dark and mysterious and lush and exciting. What's that line, from Bombshell, "I'd like to run barefoot through your hair." Fucking hell, had to look that one up. Really oddball fucking movie for such a good line. But it's just weird, like she'll just show up in my thoughts for no apparent reason. Just there.

Bursts of static.
Kate's hair
The heart aches and the body breaks
Bursts of static
Today's gray skies, tomorrow's rain, you'll have to wait till yesterday's here
The heart aches and the body breaks
To trust is to bust, and bust is hell
Bursts of static
Expert in calculated insanity
Interesting interpretation of masculinity
Kate's hair
Pink moon
Bursts of static
Splinters of time stuck under my fingernails here
The heart aches and the body breaks
Where's my Easy Rider gone, why do you hesitate

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Schizophrenia. Population: Me.

Meh, it's what makes me interesting. Can't be truly creative unless you are truly crazy. And I'm only half creative, so I must only be half crazy. The math works like that.

Internal monologues abound.