"In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side."
- Ghost Dog, The Way of the Samurai
Today I made the official leap. I called and confirmed my post doc position at Indiana. I had been ancy all day over it. I didn't want to tell anyone until I had officially confirmed it, and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible as I had made the decision last week and just wanted it over with. But my future boss was out of town and though I got his cell phone number, I had been unable to get ahold of him. I emailed him and he said he was travelling all day today and that he'd try to call me sometime between two of his three flights. So all day I had been waiting for him to call. Getting nervous and wrapped up and tight like rope under tension. Finally he called and we chatted and got things ironed out. After which I didn't feel a sense of relief per se, but a churning of adrenaline in my insides.
Then I phoned one of the positions I was turning down, the other major competitor for me. I wasn't sure what to expect but I didn't expect how nice she was about it. She was disappointed but happy I was going someplace good and reassured me. And after talking with her I had an immediate sense of regret like I had really blown something big, that going to Texas was the right thing to do. I was sullen for about 5 minutes there.
Then I chastised myself. I can't remember what person told me this, but they had to me "people end up where they are supposed to end up". Which is a really really stupid thing to say. It is. But it also may be true. I remember once hearing a line from a television show when I was kid that "life is a series of associated coincidences". I don't believe that. I believe life is a series of associated decisions. I believe life, continuity and everything (including the univserse, please don't sue me the estate of Douglas Adams) is based upon decisions we make. Small ones, large ones, all decisions change the face of the universe. But a persons decisions are based upon a myriad of factors, some concious, some unconcious. When we make a decision it is always the right one, because based on whatever factors in ourselves, it is the one we made. Somewhere inside us must've been a reason for it, and therefore we had a reason and made the right decision. I am going to Indiana, I have made the right decision. And it is decided. I think it will turn out for the best.
Then I chastised myself some more. The way I have been acting lately makes it seem that this decision holds hundreds, nay thousands, of lives in the balance. It doesn't. It is insignificant. The only life in the balance is mine and it is cheap (lives of Patrick on sale at your local Walmart, $9.99). At the end of the day, it really...doesn't...matter. I think having people sort of compete over me has given me an inflated sense of self importance (which is the third time in the past week I have used that phrase, I'm starting to love it). I'm not that important. I'm just a guy getting a new job.
| Posted by Coyote @ 04/17/2007 07:53 PM PDT |  |
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