You know, for a mild man you sound vicious

First posted 9-18-04


"Didn't you know? All mild men are vicious. They hate themselves for being mild and they hate the windy extroverts whose violence seems to have a strange attraction for nice girls who should know better."
- A Face In the Crowd

I'm bored, and I thought I'd ramble a bit.

I had to go to a PGF function last night, a "cookout" at the ex-deans house. Cookout my ass, the thing was catered with food that I didn't even know what it was (though there was some beef there that was damn good, and an open bar with free Bass (I only had two)). In addition to Gordie (as I call him) there was current Dean of the Graduate School, who is actually supposed to be running the program once Gordie left the dean post, but that hasn't really happened, and low-and-behond President of the University. He chatted with us. Seems like a decent guy, I tried to turn on the Social Patrick, we chatted and I was friendly. Don't want to make an enemy of the guy, though for some reason when he turned away from me I had the uncontrollable-yet-unmotivated flash desire to kick him in the butt. But whatever. Since the Micro department is so well-represented in the Fellowship it isn't too bad for us, we all sort of banded together to ward off the strange and disturbing "others". Being people from other departments like English, Political Science, Education, etc. James you would have loved it. The chance to meet and mingle with not only University elite but also students of varying disciplines. For most of us it was an exercise in tedium, though like I said, there were four other Micro people besides me, so it wasn't as mind-rendering as it could have been.

Why do I write this? Well, Sarah was there. Sarah, first year. Ellen's REU student last summer. Sarah wrecks me, every time. She is amazing. She is gorgeous to a level that could make ice to melt. She has that softness that I wrote on before. It's like her face has no sharp edges, just curves and softness. A face best smiling, and you could study it for hours. Softness. And she is fun, intelligent, and bitter. In best summation, this is not a woman you date, this is a woman you love. This is the type of woman you marry and spend the rest of your life happy with, because life will always be exciting. I am struck by this every time I meet her. Every time.

Don't get me wrong. I have no affection/affliction/desire of/with/for her. Christ, EVERYONE knows of her dating someone she met during REU. And I have long given up any thought of dating. That mind is gone from me. It's just that I wish there were more women like her in the world. More of the type; it is a rare mold.

Oh, I suppose I should speak about writing. My opinins on my writing have switched recently. But I best start from the beginning.

The Arena Thread.

What the hell is an Arena Thread, you ask? Well, the Arena Thread is a game played on the forums I visit. It's basically a thread where people compete in armed combat. In text. They write stories about fighting each other. The location is set and people go to town. The whole point of it is to be the best Arena fighter, meaning you try to kill others/yourself in the most creative and humorous fashion possible. Anything goes really. There are few rules, but it's mostly to prevent people from being assholes.

Arena threads are proscribed. Meaning the mods close them down when people start them. This is mostly because forum games are stupid and Arena threads go on forever without much creativity. But people had been complaining that the forum was getting boring, so the mods actually started one. Only the third official Arena Thread in the history of the forum. It was awesome. One night I actually didn't watch the movie I had planned and just stayed on the computer, competing on the Arena Thread. Over the course of a week, it had over 750 posts. It was a blast! In the beginning I just had fun with it like everyone else, simple little fights and what-not. But about halfway into it I decided to get a little more in depth. I turned to my creative writing talent and started writing mini-stories. Mainly squaring me off against two mods. They got into it and we had sort of a plot going. This is where the Arena thread becomes awesome, because a few people do this, so it's like a novel composed my many authors. Consider it an open source plot (you should like that James). There is a major plot line carried by some, other minor plot lines carried by other and some random background action. It's really cool to follow it.

Anyways, like I said, I got into the story aspect of it and did some minor writing. At the end of the week, the Mods closed the thread for "judging". This means that all the moderators of the forum read the entire thread and voted for who was the best (and worst) Arena fighter. Like I said, most people just do little stuff, but there are a few people who got into it like me and tried to make multi-part stories. Long story (sort of) short, I won. I was awarded the prize, the Platinum Wang (remember, these are gamers) for best Arena fighter. Okay, I was competing mostly against 17 and 18 year olds, but still, I won. In essence, I was considered the best writer. It was cool. I actually felt a little good about my writing skill because of it. Just a little.

Well, that's changed.

Again, from the forum. Sometimes people post stories on the forum to read, comment and what-not. Mostly they are derivative drivel, or amateurish at best. But that's ok, they play to a certain audience.

And NO I did not post my story on the forum. Those kids would not appreciate good writing, writing that isn't standard sci-fi fare, i.e. pulp. But there was a rash of story posting which put me in the mood of writing for a bit. So I went back to my short story to read and edit it again, for the umpteenth time.

I had left that story feeling pretty good about it. I didn't think it was Shakespeare, but I felt a certain level of satsifaction on its progress, and I thought it was pretty good. Well, I read it again. This time I felt so disgusted by my product that I just put it away without so much thought as ever taking it out again. It's so superficial and pointless. I'd have to write for pages upon pages to actually lend the characters any depth of purpose.

Not only do I now think this story is crap, but I now realize I'm not a very good writer. All I have is a flare for language. That's it. I can describe things creatively, I can turn an occasionaly phrase. But actually craft a story people would want to read? Pfffft, hardly. I should really give up the dream of publishing this story in my spare time. I can't imagine anyone picking it up. It's the best thing I ever wrote, and it's just not that good.

Ah well, another dream for the pipe.