Rant incoming

First posted 7-23-07

Fuck Harry Potter.

That's right, you heard me. Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck him and/with the broomstick he rode in on. I hope his hemorrhoids get splinters. Fuck his jumper-wearing, lorry-riding, lift-taking ass.

Everywhere you go now it's Harry Potter-this and Harry Potter-that. It's an awful lot of attention being paid to someone with a name that sounds like a euphamism for my dick. "Hey baby, want to see my Hairy Potter?" *wink*

Now, I'm no doctor...oh wait, I am...but I'd swear this thing is a disease. Two things are called epidemics. One is crazy, fucked-up fans denying human reason and acting like love-starved weiner dogs at the mere mention of Quiddich. Know what the other is? The fucking PLAGUE. There are symptoms. Test your loved ones, they may be Harry Pottered. Do they have the shakes? Probably from waiting for hours in line in order to secure their chance to WAIT IN ANOTHER FUCKING LINE. I'm not shitting you. There are people in my lab, they waited in line for 45 minutes in order to get a colored bracelet that meant they could wait in line at a bookstore at midnight for the chance at a copy of the fucking book. This isn't...NORMAL.

Are your loved ones withdrawn? Gaunt looking? Barely coherent short of some mumbling? Either they've turned into zombies or they holed themselves up in their rooms and read Harry Potter until their eyes bled. Which is the SAME FUCKING THING. I know people that not only bought the fucking book at midnight, but then proceeded to read it entirely THAT NIGHT. The only book I read in one night is Bruce Campbells autobiography If Chins Could Kill, and I didn't exactly stand in line to get it.

Even talking to my mother last night was no escape. She started talking about Harry Potter. At this point, I'm convinced I'm the only person who has never read it or seen the damn movies. You know how on old episodes of the Twilight Zone there were body snatchers? And slowly people would be taken over and replaced with aliens who looked just like them except only this one guy could tell, and eventually there was only the one guy left? I may be making this episode up, but it feels EXACTLY LIKE THAT. People whom I consider intelligent, responsible individuals have turned into meth addicts. All I hear is scar-this and Snape-that. Snape? What the fuck is that? It sounds like either some kind of vermin and/or a regional dish made from entrails. "Try the snape, it's been fermenting in a burlap bag all week."

And now it's not even about Harry Potter. It's about the response. The discussion is less about the book and more about if it was spoiled for them. And how much they will hurt you if you say even a goddamn word beginning with the letter H. Ever try to say a sentence without using a word starting in H? It's ha....more difficult than you'd think.

The whole white world has gone completely batshit crazy, and I'm watching the inmates. Part of me wants to give in, go crazy with the rest of them and start writing erotic fanfiction about Hermione, but every time I think of Hermione I think of Hermione Gingold of The Music Man and Gigi fame.



I see her and my erection dies...a little.

So fuck Harry Potter, Hermione, Snape, Dumbledore, Bramblefuck, Kunta Kinte, Sally the Fistulated Cow and whoever else is in this fucking books. I hope they go to a particlarly boring English hell and rot there in a tea-filled nightmare.

Fucking tossers. I'm going to go listen to Mr. Siegal by Tom Waits again.

	Posted by Inga @ 08/07/2007 10:08 PM PDT
	May I just say... THANK YOU FOR RAILING AGAINST HARRY POTTER FOR A LITTLE WHILE! I was starting to think EVERYONE had turned their back on all that was good and decent in the world (Coyote), but now I see that there is one last person besides me hanging onto a tree root for dear life. (That's a things falling off the world image, I'm not sure where I was goig with that, just stay with me here for two more seconds.) So thank you. I feel better about one more thing now. "I said GODDAMN! Goddamn..." -Okay four more seconds- And if I hear someone try to refer to those IRRITATING British kids as "sexy" one more time I swear to the Powers that Remain I am closing my eyes and SELF-INDUCING A RAGE BLACKOUT AND GOING BERSERKER ON ALL Y'ALLS ASSES! K this time I'm done for real.

	Posted by Coyote @ 07/24/2007 06:50 PM PDT
	I just got around to reading them last month so I don't think I'm infected. I'd like for the doctor to test me with his SPECIAL DOCTOR ROD! Also, Bramblefuck is gold.