"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
- William Butler Yeats
Strange dreams last night. Bad mojo dreams. Dreams that stay with you throughout the day, haunting you when you close your eyes. Nightmares. But my nightmares are not the usual variety. No spooks, ghosts or goblins. Just intense psychological drama.
What was it, you ask? Well, I shall describe but only in a small level of detail.
It started as I was watching an episode of The Critic that I just bought on DVD. It was a great episode, very funny, but also romantic. The critic Jay Sherman, a short, fat, balding, dumpy, pathetic creature, not very much unlike myself, actually had to choose between two wonderful women that cared for him. And he went with the better choice, but more importantly the show ended ever so romantically. Amazingly so. And then I went to bed.
But the theme followed me.
So there I am in my dream, and what occurs? I am at a party, a nice casual social gathering, I think dinner was involved. The long and short of it is, there was a woman that I was in love with. And I don't mean the standard cliche "in love with", but I mean serious passion. And she loved me. But she was supposed to marry someone else. Another woman, actually, but I'm fuzzy on this and it is unimportant. But what is important is the feeling. I spent the rest of the evening, which included going to a massive concert with friends, symphony-like, wooing her. And I knew, I KNEW that if I persisted long enough I would win. And such was the feeling of anticipation, and shared emotion, and, well, love, that I felt...amazed. I was wakened without conclusion, but usually my dreams don't end anyway, so that is no surprise.
What's so bad about that, you ask? Well, two things. One, who the person was. I'm not going to say, because that doesn't bear saying. It's just that, well, it brought up an old feeling I thought had fled. It's that my subconscious showed me something that I didn't want to see. There are still things battering around in this old head of mine that I can't observe, and that is a disturbing thought. I thought that feeling was dead, this suggests that it isn't, and I'm unnerved by it.
Second. And this will sound weird. But the dream was too good. I think, if someone had given me the choice there, right before the alarm, given the oppurtunity, I would never have woken up. I could have kept on dreaming that dream forever.
That is the second or third time in my life I have ever felt something that intensely wonderful in my dreams, and I imagine that it is as close as I will ever get to having that feeling, and I imagine that it is something similar to what is felt in real life between two people. At this point, I don't know, but I can speculate. And it acts as a reminder of all the things that are missing in me at this time. If that is even a shadow of what people feel, then my existance is a waste without it.
And it's thoughts like that that follow you throughout the day. Prey on you like a puma in the corner of your eye. They never go away. They just stalk.
Bad mojo.
But the theme followed me.
So there I am in my dream, and what occurs? I am at a party, a nice casual social gathering, I think dinner was involved. The long and short of it is, there was a woman that I was in love with. And I don't mean the standard cliche "in love with", but I mean serious passion. And she loved me. But she was supposed to marry someone else. Another woman, actually, but I'm fuzzy on this and it is unimportant. But what is important is the feeling. I spent the rest of the evening, which included going to a massive concert with friends, symphony-like, wooing her. And I knew, I KNEW that if I persisted long enough I would win. And such was the feeling of anticipation, and shared emotion, and, well, love, that I felt...amazed. I was wakened without conclusion, but usually my dreams don't end anyway, so that is no surprise.
What's so bad about that, you ask? Well, two things. One, who the person was. I'm not going to say, because that doesn't bear saying. It's just that, well, it brought up an old feeling I thought had fled. It's that my subconscious showed me something that I didn't want to see. There are still things battering around in this old head of mine that I can't observe, and that is a disturbing thought. I thought that feeling was dead, this suggests that it isn't, and I'm unnerved by it.
Second. And this will sound weird. But the dream was too good. I think, if someone had given me the choice there, right before the alarm, given the oppurtunity, I would never have woken up. I could have kept on dreaming that dream forever.
That is the second or third time in my life I have ever felt something that intensely wonderful in my dreams, and I imagine that it is as close as I will ever get to having that feeling, and I imagine that it is something similar to what is felt in real life between two people. At this point, I don't know, but I can speculate. And it acts as a reminder of all the things that are missing in me at this time. If that is even a shadow of what people feel, then my existance is a waste without it.
And it's thoughts like that that follow you throughout the day. Prey on you like a puma in the corner of your eye. They never go away. They just stalk.
Bad mojo.
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