The Fear

First posted 4-13-07

"I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the fear."
- Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

In exactly one week from this moment I will know if I am to be a "doctor" or not. I use "doctor" cause I'll be a PhD. I.e. a fake doctor. For the past 4 months I have been in absolute overdrive trying to complete my PhD. And in order to accomplish this I have shut down all emotions. Good and bad. They are gone. And it's completely freaked out my boss. "You should be frantic and screaming at me by now, why aren't you?" I say that I'm too busy to be psychotic. While partly true, it's mainly because I've shut all that down.

Well, it's starting to catch up. A week to go, and I am scared SHITLESS. I have The Fear. My presentation doesn't scare me, but the 2 and a half hour grilling to follow it scares me. It's like my orals...but I studied for my orals. I'm not studying for this. I suppose I should, but yeah, that's not going to happen.

Objectively, it's very silly to get scared about this. In this field, you don't get this far, to actually doing the presentation and the defense, to fail. My boss told me that my family can make flight plans to come down for my graduation. The celebratory reception (replete with cheap champagne) is already scheduled. I've only known one person to fail and that was really a special circumstance.

But everyone where I am right now panics, and so I am panicing. It's my right, goddamnit.

I have decided where I am going for my postdoc. It's where my gut instinct is telling me to go, so I am going there. However, I have a nagging, gnawing sense of regret tucked towards the back of my skull, that I may be passing up a really good oppurtunity somewhere else just because I am following my gut. But I think I'm going to have to live with that regret. Hell, what's life without some mistakes.

But I'm listening to my Ramsay Midwood album, which makes me feel better. I can't help but dance when I listen to this album (but only when no one is watching). Fat man dancing = comedy.

Feed my monkey
Raise my rent
Lord have mercy
She was heaven sent

She had a wiggle and a giggle
A tickle in her talk
And when she come around
Alls I did was gawk

Shootout At the OK Chinese Restaurant

Which reminds me, I really need to see Black Snake Moan. I need to see a lot of movies. Including 300 again.

Last night I had my Thursday evening talk with my mother, expect this one was long. I told her about my posdoc decision and about my girlfriend for the first time. Lasted 2 hours. Things went well, she was happy about both pieces of news, but I was emotionally drained afterwards. Was nice to get that out of the way though. Sadly I have do that sort of thing again when I tell my boss what postdoc I have chosen and then make all the calls to everyone tell them I want to come there or no, I'm not coming, sorry.

Apparently I have been a commodity and didn't know it. Kind of nice.

My god, what a boring blog entry. Even the writing is boring. I'll have to do better next time, especially since now I appear to have readers. I feel a pressure to entertain.

With a hey nonny nonny and a ha cha cha.

Posted by Coyote @ 04/13/2007 06:19 PM PDT
Methinks you'll be fine. As they said, you wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't going to succeed. Me and the voices in my head have every confidence in you. I was SO jazzed to see Black Snake Moan until I learned that Justin Timberlake is in it and then my oath to never spend money in support of him bit me in the ass.