"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- The Princess Bride
First song on the mp3 player this morning, an instrumental from the Braveheart soundtrack "Betrayel and Desolation".
Heh.
Oooh ok, now let's skip over Paul Simons "Something So Right", the song I made a recording of and gave my ex-girlfriend for Christmas, on to the next song "I Wish It Would Rain" by the Temptations. Much better.
So yes, my girlfriend and I broke up last night.
And now I'm trying to think of exactly how to describe it. It's...she....I....huh. She told me what I already knew, that she was depressed and stressed and "taking it out" on me by pushing me away. We talked for a while, and in the end she told me that while she wanted to be with me she couldn't garauntee that her treatment of me would change. It's so strange, I would've bet anything that in a relationship I would've been the one to treat the other person poorly. But I did my best to be supportive and understanding, even to the point of my own sanity. So she decided to break it off. Like she was doing me a favor or something.
In the end, it boiled down to this. I know what I want. Out of life, out of our relationship, out of myself. She doesn't. She's very lost in the world. I feel bad abandoning someone when they need help, but in the end it was her decision, so hopefully that will help her get her mind right. The kicker, the real kicker, is that we really do love each other. But circumstances and our own bullshit are just too much to overcome. I knew this going in, but did it anyways. Cause I'm a fucking idiot.
So I feel dead inside.
I'm going to be emo for a while, and you are all just going to have to deal with it. This is the one time in life you are allowed to be a mopey, sulky bastard, and I am going to take full advantage of it.
She tried that "we can still be friends" bullshit, though not in those exact words. I said no. I'm not going to play that. I'm not going to pretend to be friends with the person that I loved that took my heart out. What I think she wanted was to still keep me close in case her mind changes. But no. I want all or nothing at all (thank you Frank Sinatra). Call me immature but that's the way I feel. I have already begun de-Lisa'ing my life. Deleted her from my friends list in WoW, gmail, took her off the google documents I shared with her. Mailed her back the music box from her childhood she gave me for my graduation. It's probably vindictive of me, but there's a part of me that hopes when she gets that she realizes exactly what she's done. As I told her, I'm sure she can find someone better than me, it won't be hard, but finding someone that loves her more than me, that I don't know. And I've locked her pictures into a PGP file.
That paragraph makes me sound more angry than I really am. I'm not all that angry. I'm just sad. And alone.
So there it goes. My best chance for love. Yeah yeah yeah, "yeah right" you are thinking. Shall we take stock?
I'm 28 years old
I'm a virgin (still)
I'm fat
I have a grating personality
I never ask anyone out because I'm a coward
The only reason this relationship started was because she asked me out. This does not fill one with hope. I mean, I play video games, I'm 2 years and my mothers basement from being a cliche.
Well, back to my old point of view, I guess. I believe there is a balance in life. Of all things, including happiness. Each person is allotted some. But not everyone gets an equal share. So someone out there has an excess of happiness and I am taking his share of unhappiness. It's not fair, but that's ok. I'll take the bullet on this one. I feel bad for the poor bastard that had my share unhappiness for a few months there when I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.
Well, if there ever was a time to listen to the blues, I think this is it.
| Posted by Coyote @ 08/15/2007 06:57 PM PDT |  | |
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| Posted by Inga @ 08/15/2007 12:17 PM PDT | |
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